Ohio Death Row Inmate

Moving to Myspace

2006-09-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

From now on all of Dukes new blogs will be on his new myspace. This site will be an archive and will be kept for people to read and help them find his new site. He felt myspace would give him more exposure so please come visit and join his my friends to keep updated on Duke. You can also see me and my family there. Click link below:

http://www.myspace.com/dukepalmer

Hope to see you there!!

Thanks, Deb

Dreams

2006-09-27T14:43:00.000-07:00

August 14th, 2006
Monday (12:14 p.m.)

Didn't wake up until they opened my cell door for lunch. Told the guard to let all the other guys out first and come back and get me last. Had to get dressed and wash my face etc.

I was dreaming, and I didn't want to get up. Can't remember what I was dreaming about, but I was enjoying whatever life it was I was living in it. I know I wasn't in prison, and was enjoying the company in my dream.

It's strange that I can still dream about riding in a car, sitting in a restaurant, or being in a house. After 17 years of prison cells, steel and concrete, you'd think I'd forget how to dream about such things, but I often find myself in a childhood home with my mother, or at my uncle's house in Columbus, Ohio. I dream about my mother, my sister, and Jeffrey (my son) just as often as I do my living family. I even dream about my cousin, John, though we haven't spoken since 1989.

...................

August 13th, 2006
Sunday (8:11 p.m.)

I'm watching the Cincinnati Bengals (at home) against the Washington Redskins. I took the Bengals head-up for a stamp (embossed envelope= .42 cents), even though the starting quarterback, Carson Palmer, won't be playing. The home team wins about 66% of the time in pre-season games, so I took Cincinnati. Something to cheer about and make the game more fun. Besides, I've been right about every game so far this year.

Had a visit Friday. Prudence ("Death Row Ministry") came to see before she leaves the area for a year or so. Had a good time. I hope she makes it back here every now and again.

(11:13 p.m.)

Cincinnati beat Washington 19-3. Now I can tease Smitty for awhile when he comes out for rec.

I fell asleep at halftime and woke up with 3 minutes left in the game. It was 12-3 at halftime, so I didn't miss a whole lot.

....................

August 7th, 2006
Monday (11:51 a.m.)

A new phone system goes into effect today. It'll take 48 hours before "APPROVED PHONE NUMBERS" go into the system. This is such bullshit! I can no longer call up friends or cousins once a year to say "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas" unless they happen to be one of the 15 people entered into my "APPROVED LIST". One more freedom taken away. Hell, it takes 48 hours just to get a phone number into the system.

This comes on the heels of not being able to get through to Debbie last night, and the earliest I'll get through to her (according to the system) will be 48 hours from the time I dial her phone number today.

Home

2006-08-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

Wednesday (10:47 p.m)
July 26th, 2006

I just got myself out of bed at 10:15 a.m. I had to buy a new fan because my last one burnt up (motor), and I finally received it yesterday. I had the fan blowing on me all night, with the jazz station playing softly, and I slept better than I have in over 2 months.

I watched a couple of deer grazing in the field outside the perimeter fence last night for a little while before I went to bed.

I like being able to see the kind of woods that are like the ones where I'm from. It is probably due to the fact that I'm only 2 counties north of Seven Lake Hollow. So close, yet so far away! Almost 2 decades removed.

Debbie lives "up the holler", and she knows what it means to "come home". It's the smell, the hills, and the laid back attitude of the community. I'd be just as comfortable where she lives as she would be at Seven Lake Hollow.

It's strange to sit here and know that I will probably never see "home" again, yet allow myself to entertain such thoughts. I want to feel the bark of a tree, grass beneath my barefeet, moss on a stone, and smell the earth. It's a primal need in me, and I feel like something less than "living" without it. It's very hurtful to my soul. There's a REASON why we find the sounds of nature to be soothing; ocean surf and seagulls, babbling brooks, crickets/toads/frogs chriping, birds singing, rain and thunder...these are the things we take quiet notice of as participants of life, and being separated from these things for 17 years is a punishment that leaves me feeling less than alive.

(10:07 p.m)

Getting ready to send this out to Debbie. She's headed to South Carolina for a week at the beach, so I need to get this out. She's sending me $20.00 so I can order some real food from the fund drive/food sale for charity. Chili-cheese fries, onion rings and shrimp. It'll be delivered on August 16th...Jeffrey's birthday, and the one year anniversary of his death.

I remember saying that I wished a year would pass so I could be removed from all that pain last year. I feel I've moved on, and I'm doing well, but I still carry the scars, and I know I always will...but, I'll be okay.

'nite!

Helping others

2006-08-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Tuesday (12:09 p.m)
July 18th, 2006

I just came from lunch (fish, pasta, green beans, tangerines). I'm listening to the jazz station, but it's barely coming in. I really wish it'd come in clear...their kind of music relaxes me and helps me to concentrate.
Debbie was here to see me Sunday. I really needed the time with her. I can be who I really am with her, instead of "being an inmate". I think that's what I fear most about being alone in prison; losing the part of myself what loves, and needs to be loved.

Society has thrown me away, and has decided that I'm unfit for life. Then, I find someone who says "I think you're great, and the world is wrong about you", and find it redeemingly powerful. It moves my spirit, and testifies to how beautiful love is.

She renews my spirit, and gives me the hope and courage I need to face another day. She doesn't even know how much I need her.

Anyway, I had a nice time with her. Wish I could crawl through the 6" x 18" opening to be with her! (smile!)
I sent 3 more paintings home with her. Hoping another one sells soon.

Speaking of being alone in prison, and painting, etc., there are two guys in the pod who don't have anone to care for them. One guy lost his girl back around February (I think), and is living on $16.00 a month. I see the haunted look and hurt in his face, and I know what he feels; laone, tired, hopelessness and thinking about ending his appeals. He needs to find someone to show him that he matters. It'd be great to see him find someone to send him $10.00-$20.00 a month, maybe visit him once in awhile. If you've interested in making a difference in his life, please write to him at;

Lawrence Reynolds #A296-121
878 Coitsville-Hubbard Rd.
Youngstown, Ohio 44505
USA

He goes by "Larry".

The second guy hasn't had anyone since he's been in prison. He has a few penpals, but he never asks for money, or lets them know he needs any! He's lost penpals simply because he couldn't afford to write to them. These 2 guys never get mail! The second guy's name is Steve Smith, but we call him "Smitty". He comes to my cell door when I'm painting and reminds me of a kid looking in the window of a toy store. He draws, and wishes he had paints, or better supplies to draw with. Anyone can order his supplies by doing so on-line, but only from a list of pre-approved items,. and only form www.dickblick.com. Anyone interested in ordering Steve some are supplies may do so by asking Debbie to email you the list of supplies and your order them online with a credit card and have it shipped directly to;

Steve Smith #A369-054
878 Coitsville-Hubbard Rd.
Youngstown, Ohio 44505
USA

The order will be approximately $50.00.
Steve could also use a friend to write, visit and/or send him $10.00 or $20.00 a month.
Anyone who pays for Steve's art order may have their pick from my paintings (that Debbie is selling) as my gift for their kindness.

Please make a difference in the lives of these two men. Show them that they matter.
On that note; "Thank you, Debbie... for making a difference in my life".

Duke

Glasses

2006-08-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday (11:39 p.m)
July 9th, 2006

I'm listening to WKSU once again. I like alot of the music they're playing tonight. If you would like to hear some of this music you can find it at folkalley.com, and you can look up WKSU.org to find lists of songs aired on the weekends to see what I'm listening to. But, for tonight, I'd like you to look up a song titled "ZIPPY" by Michael Smith at folkalley.com. It really made me laugh. I'm glad I'm sober now.

Talked to Debbie a couple of times today. Her first grandchild arrived on June 29th, and she has been with her daughter and grandchild ever since! (smile!) I pick on her and call her "Granny" or "Mamaw". It's fun... and I'm just an ass sometimes! Anyways, she is going to come visit next weekend and bring me a catalog so I can order a pair of frames for my next pair of eyeglasses. Finally, I get to get out from under these ugly glasses! I'm going to be SO freaking happy! If I were a free man, the first thing I'd do is have laser surgery on my eyes! I put my old glasses over top of the ones I wear now, and I can see perfectly. I can see butterflies and flowers in the field beyond the perimeter fence, and details in the trees I havent been able to see for years. The world is beautiful when you can actually see it.
Well, the folk music went off (midnight on Sunday nights), so WRMU (91.1 fm) should have jazz on now. Time to put jazz on, nice and low, and go to bed. My dreams have background music, like the movies! (smile!)

Goodnight, ya'll!
Sleep with angels!
Duke

Reflection

2006-06-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

May 2nd, 2006
Tuesday, 7:45 a.m.

What's going through Joe's mind right now? Is he praying? Is he crying? Is he aware that we're all thinking of him this morning? Is it as beautiful a morning in Lucasville as it is here? Did they let him smoke while he was there?

I believe executions are carried out around 10 a.m. My guts are twisted up inside of me, and I could cry if I allowed myself. If it weren't my day to clean the showers. I wouldn't even go out for rec, but I'll do my share.
I love you, Joe. God Speed.

11:00 p.m.

The execution was delayed for about an hour because Joe's vein collapsed. An hour more of extreme anxiety.

With lethal injection being scrutinized for the drugs being used, how they're used, and whether or not the person is being tortured before death, I have other issues for the courts to consider; #1) The person who inserts the needle and/or administers the drugs must, by law, be licensed by the state to practice medicine. #2) Any person who inserts the needle to be used to put another person to his/her death violates the Hippocratic oath to...do no harm...and should be reported to the American Medical Association to have their license revoked. #3) Anyone who inserts the needle or administers drugs WITHOUT a medical license is guilty of practicing medicine without a licence, and punishable by law (for which the penalty is much higher if such actions lead to a fatality).

The test of "cruel and unusual" has been hampered by the word "and" because a showing of Both, CRUEL and UNUSUAL must be shown. In the past "UNUSUAL" never stands because it is NOT unusual in the U.S. to execute those convicted and sentenced to death. But, "UNUSUAL" would stand if it were applied to global standards! The U.S. flies in the face of the world's democracies, and holds itself above the world view of human rights.
Self-righteous, arrogant, spiteful America! I love my country...but I hate my government and our uneducated society.

May 8th, 2006
Monday, 10:00 p.m.

Seventeen years ago, today, my reactions destroyed four families; The Sponhaltz family, the Vargo/Stone family, the Hill/Nogy family, and my own family. No one really knows how sorry I really am. I was extremely sorry even before I was arrested. As I watched my kids grow up without a father, I got to see some of the stuff Mr. Sponhaltz's and Mr. Vargo's children must have gone through. I thought of Mr. Sponholtz's children every year in May, because he was returning chairs borrowed for his child's birthday on May 8th, 1989. I am so, so really sorry. That child grew-up with birthdays reminding him of his father's death. That child's mother trying to be strong for the child every May. Mr. Vargo's son was waiting to be taken to baseball practice.

I've always wanted to say "I'm sorry" to their families. Knowing it'll never be enough, but wishing to say it anyway. I never wanted to cause them MORE pain by writing to them.

I see my kids struggling to make their way through life without me. I can only hope Mr. Sponhaltz's and Mr. Vargo's children will find their way without THEIR fathers.

I would trade my life to undo the past. I'll end up giving my life for revenge. But, maybe my execution is necessary in order for the Sponhaltz and Vargo/Stone families to understand that hating me isn't the answer, nor the way to find peace. Maybe they'll figure that out once there's no one to hate anymore.

I never set out to kill Mr. Sponhaltz and Mr. Vargo. I never meant to kill anyone. But, I can't undo May 8th, 1989. I can only believe I am forgiven by God and go forward in my life. This is the 17th year I've felt all of this, and have thought of, and prayed for, both families. May God continue to bless them, and send His peace and comfort to each and everyone of them.

"Duke"

May 15th, 2006
Monday, 9:00 a.m.

I've just had a great weekend! I visited with Debbie for 3 hours on Sat. and 6 hours on Sunday (yesterday). I feel like I'm 11-12 years old again! She makes me nervous, and I actually find myself stammering...and I smile almost continuously throughout the visits.

In alot of ways, she makes me feel comfortable, in other ways, I get nervous because I'm conscious of everything I'm doing and saying. I hear myself stammer and, inside, I'm thinking, "Oh! Yeah! You're just SO cool! Bonehead! What? Are you 12?" (smile!) And when we kiss, I feel the blood rushing to my face (among other parts of my anatomy) and I really feel like a kid again. It was like learning to kiss all over again, and the physical reactions suddenly remembered, and shocked that I had forgotten the sensation! 17 years is a long, long time. I had my last kiss when I was 24...I'm 41 now...and kissing makes me feel like I'm 12 again. I've been givin back just this one little part of life about 15 years too late. I spent the past 10 years under the most cruel visiting policy Ohio's death row has ever seen, and it created stressful visits, and put people off of visiting us. We lost our close bonds with family, and those 10 years have done permanant damage to our relationships. My kids are 21 and (soon to be) 23...they'll never be 11 and 13 again, or any of the ages in between. Now, it's too late. They have adult lives to live.

I LOVE that I get to hold hands and kiss, and eat with my visitors. And, while I've done my best to stay in my children's lives, I wish I could've kept them close to me and stayed involved in their lives. They deserved to have a father. The visiting policy made it next to impossible. While I know that my kids love me, I also know they've learned to get along without me.

Now, with this new-relationship on the horizon, I'll make the best of what I have left. Could be that my best days are yet to come. In any case, she sure makes me hope so!

"Duke"

May 22nd, 2006
Monday, 10:15 p.m.
I've received numberous articles about Joe Clark from "Canton". They botched the execution BADLY.

In letters from his family to Freddy, I've learned there was an autopsy, and an investigation by the family's attorney is under way. Joe had over 30 needle punctures according the the autopsy. At one point Joe asked if there was something he could take orally to "finish this".

"Duke"

May 29th, 2006
Monday, 12:02 p.m.
Just came back to my cell after eating lunch. While most people are barbecuing in the backyard, or having a picnic somewhere with family and friends, I'm eating mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, bread and a banana. The gravy had some shredded meat in it, but not enough to call that a meal!

It's 90 degrees (F) outside, so it's a good day for the pools to open for the summer.

Tomorrow is Brian's birthday. He'll be 23 years old. He was about to turn 6 when I was arrested. I was only a year older then Brain, 24. I've DONE a life sentence. These past 17 years have taken away who I "wanted" to be, and have forced me to give up everything I loved. It's very had to understand how all these years of heartache, and having my life emptied of everything and everyone I've ever known, just isn't punishment enough. By the time they execute me, I know that a very big part of me will just want to be released from this existence...while another part of me will be sad that I was never given a second chance in this life.

It hurts to have overcome drugs and alcohol, and to have the understanding and respect I have for life now, and still be considered "unfit to live". Yet, I still strive to be a better person in spite of it all.

I hope Brian is ten times the person I've become. I hope honor and pride drive his motives, love and compassion rule his heart, wisdom and fairness rule his mind, and that he sees life's beauty, both; in its triumphs as well as its tragedies. Most of all, I hope he loves completely, and finds someone to love him in that "forever" kind of way. (Hi, Nikki!)

"Duke"

Mouthfuls

2006-06-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

April 30th, 2006
Sunday, 11:39 p.m.

I had my first kiss, in over 16 years, today. From Joe leaving the pod, to my first kiss in ages...I live with extreme ups and downs. My friend being executed and the beginning of a new relationship. When I taste life it's in huge mouthfuls! But, even in these circumstances, life still has magic in it...it is a wonderous thing.

I've had my feelings hurt recently, by two very close friends, and my promise to write (in/for) my blog was broken because I didn't want to complain about life. At least I'll be here to live...it just seems petty in comparsion. And, now, I just want to move on without the drama of confrontation.

As for "HER", she is exploring reconcillation with her youngest child's father, and I wish her well...especially for the child's sake. That little girl loves her father, and needs him in her life. I'd rather see the child happy. But, all in all, I'm just glad time passes and the hurt goes away. I have someone new who seems to understand my circumstances, and still wants to walk along side with me. That's all I EVER wanted, someone to accept me as I am, to belong to someone's heart. I think I've sound what I've been looking for. In any case, I've found a place to begin anew.

A toast;

"To huge mouthfuls!"

"Duke"

Joe Clark

2006-06-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

Joe and his nephew.

April 24th, 2006
Monday, 11:39 p.m.

Joe went out to the main visiting room today and spent about 8 hours with over 20 family members. They took 2 rolls of film (photos). He got to run around the place, spar with his nephew, hug his mother, etc.

When he came back he was in a good mood. I said, "I bet it was really good to hug your mom!" And, just for an instant I got a look at Joe Clark as a kid. His answer was in an expression, and I turned away before we both started crying. My heart leaped into my throat because of Joe's expression, and the thought of my own mother and the fact that I'll never get to hug her again.

Anyway, Joe's family read scripture, and said their goodbyes, and Joe looks to be calm considering the week ahead of him.

As for me, I tremble inside like a child, knowing how wrong it is to kill this man. He's not the man that committed those crimes two decades ago. He is my friend and I've spent the past 17 years with him. This is just so wrong.

Duke

April 28th, 2006
Friday, 11:21 p.m.

Last night, around 9:30 p.m., I gave Joe Clark a hug. As the other 3 guys lined up to do the same, I made a beeline for my cell so no one could see me cry.

I woke up at 5 0'clock this morning as Dave went out to get his insulin shot, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I was up, singing with the radio on. At 7:35, they came to get Joe to take him to the isolation cell until it's time to take him to Lucasville (S.O.C.F.).

He made 3 trips up and down the stairs, and on his last trip he stopped at Dave's cell, then Freddy D's, then mine. By the time he got to my cell we were all crying.

How's THAT for a picture of "THE WORST OHIO HAS TO OFFER"?

Want to know what torture is? Torture is taking everything a man loves away from him, forcing him to live with strangers under a death sentence, watching him befriend the others in the same situation, spend 15-25 years in close quarters with those people until they are closer to them than blood-relations, and then taking them away to be murdered, one by one, as your turn closes in.

Joe left me some stuff before he left, 3 t-shirts, 2 towels, a blanket, plastic trashcan, plastic bowl, poker chips, etc. etc... and I'll have most of it until it's my turn to give it away, probably. But, today at 3 p.m., after my shower, I put on one of the shirts he left me, and it smelled like him.

This is a nightmare that I can't wake up from. The world looks retarded from this viewpoint. Is it really compassionate than the majority of a society that supports this madness? Wake up, America!!! PLEASE tell me I'm leaving my children to a better world than THIS!

Those of you who live in Ohio and support the death penalty are personally responsible for the murder of Joseph L. Clark, with prior calculation and premeditation, to take place on the morning of May 2nd,2006. Those of you who do not support the death penalty, but do not vote in elections, are guilty of standing by and watching it happen! Because, it is on behalf of Ohio citizens that the State of Ohio murders human beings. The power is in your hands to change laws! The blood is on your hands until you do.

Shame on you.

Doctors don't belong on execution team

2006-06-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

Doctors don't belong on execution teamBy JONATHAN I. GRONER
A PROCEDURE that should have taken less than 15 minutes - administering a death sentence by lethal injection to convicted killer Joseph Clark of Toledo - instead took the State of Ohio almost an hour and a half.
Although the execution team struggled to place an intravenous catheter (commonly called an "IV") in a vein in Clark's arm, it was Clark himself who first noticed that something was terribly wrong. Three to four minutes into his May 2 execution, Clark felt pain in his arm as the lethal drugs collected under his skin instead of flowing into his vein.
Several times he raised his head and said, "It don't work. It don't work." Prison officials then halted the execution and closed the curtains of the death chamber. The execution team inserted needles at multiple locations on Clark's body in attempts to secure a new IV.
During this 40-minute interval witnesses heard "moaning, crying out, and guttural noises," and Clark even requested an oral dose of poison to end his misery. Finally, a suitable vein was found, a new IV was inserted, and Clark was executed again, this time successfully.
Clark's problems were not unique. Despite assertions that lethal injection is as easy as "just going to sleep," many lethal injection executions have gone awry. Several inmates have been subjected to the same "needle torture" as Clark, and a few have reacted violently to the lethal drugs.
Others have faced "technical problems," including an IV inserted backwards in one case, and the IV tubing coming apart in another.
There is at least one case where an inmate was cut in the groin and ankle - and bled profusely - during an attempt by poorly trained technicians to place an IV through a surgical incision, a procedure known as a "cutdown" in medical terms.
The reason for these complications is that lethal injection uses medical procedures without medical professionals.
Furthermore, Clark's troubles were entirely predictable. Any doctor who has encountered intravenous drug abusers knows that former heroin addicts like Clark, who probably gave himself thousands of injections during his life, often have scarring in all their visible veins and may require the skills of a physician (and sometimes a surgeon) for the simple task of starting an IV.
In fact, in an execution in Georgia in 2000, nurses worked for 45 minutes without success to place an IV in a former heroin addict.
Ultimately, a doctor stepped in to place a "central venous line" (a specialized IV inserted into a large vein that drains directly to the heart) in order to carry out the lethal injection.
So why is it wrong to bring physicians into the death chamber?
That question is being debated in many states, including California, Missouri, and North Carolina.
The American Medical Association has long opposed physician participation in capital punishment, stating that a physician shall not perform "an action which would assist, supervise, or contribute to the ability of another individual to directly cause the death of the condemned."
The AMA also prohibits "monitoring vital signs on site or remotely (including monitoring electrocardiograms)" at an execution.
Furthermore, the AMA specifically addresses lethal injection, forbidding "selecting injection sites; starting intravenous lines as a port for a lethal injection device; prescribing, preparing, administering, or supervising injection drugs or their doses or types; inspecting, testing, or maintaining lethal injection devices; and consulting with or supervising lethal injection personnel."
The AMA's guidelines are derived from a fundamental tenet of medical ethics: physicians, because of their training in the healing arts, wield enormous power over their fellow human beings.
Therefore, physicians have a social contract with society to use their unique knowledge and skills only for good and never to cause harm.
This concept, often cited as "first, do no harm," has long been a cornerstone of medicine, and has directed the medical profession to work for the benefit of society. Even when a single physician violates these ethical rules, the status of the medical profession is degraded.
During the early years of my surgery career, I thought little about the role of physicians in capital punishment.
That changed in 1997, when Arkansas executed three men on the same night.
Reading about the triple lethal injection, where each inmate lay down on a gurney, had IVs placed in each arm and heart monitor leads on his chest, and was then sent off to eternal sleep with large doses of anesthetic drugs, I was struck by how the proceedings seemed eerily similar to a typical day in the operating room.
In fact, with a little research, I found that virtually all the equipment used in lethal injection, from the heart monitor and stretcher all the way down to the alcohol wipes and medical tape, are the same items I used in the hospital. In fact, an "execution protocol" reads like a medical procedure manual.
Lethal injection, I discovered, turned the instruments that I used to save lives into instruments of death.
When I was a surgery resident, I heard a lecture about Robert Jay Lifton, who studied the corruption of physicians in Nazi Germany. Mr. Lifton described how physicians were recruited by the government to kill physically and mentally disabled patients, including the "criminally insane."
In this program, which predated the death camps, the killing facilities were designed on a medical model, and the killing, whether by poison gas, lethal drugs, or other methods, was supervised by doctors. The euthanasia program's chief administrator often stated, "The syringe belongs in the hand of a physician."
Today, at executions in the United States, doctors are increasingly being asked to hold the lethal syringe.
In Connecticut, for example, a "licensed and practicing physician" must certify the qualifications of the person starting the IV and infusing the drugs; in Missouri, a board-certified surgeon places a central venous line into each inmate before execution, and in California, a judge recently asked that two anesthesiologists monitor the inmate during the lethal injection.
Finally, in numerous states, physicians monitor vital signs or electrocardiograms at executions, even though this is also forbidden by the AMA's ethical guidelines.
Thus, Joseph Clark's execution demonstrates the terrible dilemma of lethal injection as medical charade.
On the one hand, this "medicalized" killing procedure, which uses IV tubing, anesthetic drugs, and other medical equipment, becomes torture in the hands of unqualified individuals.
On the other hand, the involvement of medical professionals such as physicians and nurses in executions violates the fundamental ethics of these professions. When medical professionals forsake their ethics, as the Nazi physicians demonstrated, the results for society can be disastrous.
Accounts of Clark's tortuous execution have appeared in newspapers and other media outlets all over the world.
Surely, there will be calls to bring doctors into the death chamber in Lucasville in order to make executions more "humane."
Do Ohioans really want to choose between torturing inmates to death or putting executions in the hands of doctors? This dilemma is inherent in lethal injection, because it puts killing in the hands of healers.
The only way for Ohioans to avoid this untenable choice is to call for a moratorium on executions until capital punishment can be re-examined.
Jonathan I. Groner is a pediatric surgeon and associate professor of surgery at the Ohio State University College of Medicine and Public Health.

DEBBIE

2006-06-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

Debbie I have no other way of contacting you. I spoke to Duke email me at karen@kennyrichey.org please

CLemency for Jeff Hill Please sign

2006-04-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

http://www.petitiononline.com/jeffhill/petition.html

Please pass around

We, the undersigned, urge you, Governor Taft to commute the sentence of Mr. Jeffrey Hill. Mr. Hill is scheduled to be executed on June 15, 2006. In 1991, while under the severe influence of drugs, Jeffrey tragically killed his mother, Emma Hill. The moment he realized the events of his mother's death, Jeffrey expressed and continues to express deep remorse. The families of Jeffrey Hill and the late Emma Hill have requested that the sentence of Jeffrey Hill be commuted. THIS FAMILY HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH – PLEASE GRANT JEFF CLEMENCY! Let our voice be heard, another death in our family will only add more suffering and grief to the burdens we have already borne.
ACTION PETITIONED FOR: We, the undersigned, urge you, Governor Taft, to act now to commute the death sentence of Jeffrey Hill.

Kim Smith

2006-04-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

FOR SALE! Please contact Duke at duke215600@yahoo.com! (Note! Any mail to this address is being printed off and sent to Duke. He has no access to the internet, and therefore response time might be very long. Don't forget to include an address for him to reach you personally.)

Get your own photograph drawn by sending a copy directly to Duke at:

Donald Palmer

#A215-600

Ohio State Penitentiary

878 Coitsville-Hubbard Road

Youngstown, Ohio

44505 USA

Big News

2006-03-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

March 14th, 2006
Tuesday, 11.07 am

I’ve decided to begin writing for this site at least once a week. With the 5 hours I spend out of my cell every day (on average) I’ve found that I don’t have as much time as I once did. I also wash all of my own clothes now… so, I spend 3-4 days a week washing clothes by hand. I do it so often so I only have a few things to put on my clothes line at a time.
Where do I begin?

I’ll begin with the biggest news; The magistrate judge, to whom my case was passed down to by my federal district judge, has recommended to the distr. judge that my petition (appeal) be denied on each and every issue. And, since I can’t find just ONE attorney to hear me, or to do as I wish, I’m going to SHOW those of you who read this why the verdict on death penalties are completely unreliable. I’m just waiting to die now! I expect the Distr. judge to "rubber stamp" (accept the recommendation) of the magistrate judge… and I expect the 6th Circuit to CONTINUE to "presume the state rulings are correct" (which they’re not), and for the federal judges to use the SAME fake evidence to CONTINUE to deny my attempt to find ANY justice!
So, since I’ve resigned myself to my fate, I’ve decided to put theWHOLE truth on this site for everyone to see. I will show you how they have lied right from the beginning, and how those lies have become "presumed" to be correct "facts". I’ll show you how one of those lies CONTINUE to be used to support my conviction, and PROVE to you that the prosecutor and everyone else KNEW they were putting on fake evidence and lying to the jury and the judge.

My second biggest news; Shyla (my daughter) is getting married in spring ’07. She’s the baby, and suddenly I see another life-event has passed me by. Her fiancé’s name is Jason, and they’ve been dating since she was 15… she’s 21, now.

And, perhaps the BIGGEST news to those of you who read this; "SHE" will be here to visit me soon. I received a letter from her ex. I wrote to him, and to her, in reply. She went to see him. His name is Chuck Craft, and he is in prison until November 2006.

Chuck Craft # A474-150
2500 S. Avon Beldon Road
Grafton, OH 44044
(He asked me for a penpal… said I’d let people know.)

She asked why he wrote to me and why he told me what she had written to him in confidence. She wrote to me and asked for help. Said I was the only one who cared about her as a person. And if anyone COULD help her it’d be me.
She left "HIM", and was here on March 1st to (supposedly) tell "HIM" that she was sorry for hurting "HIM" and using "HIM" to make me go away. She wrote to me on the 7th saying she "told him everything". Part of me feels really bad for "HIM" because he must feel like I did… at least, to some extent.
As for "HER"… I guess I just care too much to turn my back on her… but, I could never trust her with my heart again! She finally gets to see what I meant when I told her "Ohio" was just a friend. Besides, I have "someone new"that I want to pursue. I think I will find honesty in this one, and that is the most important thing for me. I am headed into the last court, and I don’t want to live and love with doubt and suspicion. I need peace of mind in these last few months of my life. (Could be years, but I could be gone in 12-18 months.)
I just want to paint, visit with people I care about, and enjoy the life God gave me (which I threw away). I’m hoping my new friend, who does prison ministry, comes to see me soon. I need someone to talk to about God, faith, and life. I need someone to keep me grounded, and ACT in accordance with the love I have for God. It was this same friend who made me aware of how vulgar my vocabulary has become, and I said I’d try to be more intelligent and eloquent. So, it’s not the ruling that’s coming that has me trying to be a better person… it’s just what’s "RIGHT" to do!!! But, if I find something humorous about "my penis" for example, I’m definetly going to be rude, crude and funny!

Another piece of news; my friend Joe Clark has an execution date for May 2nd. I’ve been friends with him for 15-16 years, and now he’s at the end of hope. They allowed him to move over here in my pod, on my range, until his time comes. I see him lost in thought, while his other friends go about daily life, and I wonder what sadness is on his mind, and if it has anytihng to do with his friends’ indifference to his plight at times. It’s on MY mind constantly, and probably not ½ as much as it is on HI! Ya know?

So, as you see, my life is full of events which a normal person would consider too much at once! Friends being executed, my own execution impending, dealing with the pain of "HER" while trying to help her AND move on at the same time, with my baby’s wedding a year away… and hoping my ex-best-friend is coping well, even if I don’t want to talk to him anymore.
My life is so strange. I like writing about everything, and having the rest of you see it as an observer… because I feel like I have absolutely no control over what happens to me, and I’M just an observer, TOO! (smile) I’ve even had to chance HOW I control my weight, because I can’t run anymore, and have cut caloric intake to make up for what I used to burn while running. I had to pop my right knee back into place last night (AGAIN) and it’s swollen today (AGAIN). The left foot feels like it’s healing; the tendons under the foot. But, I’ll continue to workout, watch what I eat, and stay as healthy as possible… until things are falling off!
(smile)
"Duke"

March 18th, 2006
Saturday, 11.39 am

Talked to Karen this morning! Poor baby is sick! Sounds miserable!
I’m in between the 2 morning recs., so I’m in my cell until they do "count" (head count) and feed the bottom range, then WE’LL come back out to eat, and stay out for the second ½ of rec. until 3.45 am.

March 19th, 2006
Sunday, 10.13 am

I’m having an allergic reaction to something, and my arms are covered in hives. I tried to soothe it with aloe lotion... big mistake! Washed it off and put baby powder on it… much better, but still itches + stings.
Friday, they told us our laundry burnt up in the laundry room. They sent me a new laundry bag with 2 prison-issue towels inside. The one that burnt up had two navy blue towels and a pair of sweat pants (dark green) in it. So, anyway, I used one of the new towels and it hadn’t been washed yet, so I’m guessing I’m allergic to a chemical in tje new towels. I’ll have to send them out to be washed. If it’s NOT the new towels, I am going to be miserable until I figure out what it is!
I’ll be staying in from rec. this evening so I can get all of my mail out.
I’ll write more later today, after I’ve gotten some letters done.

"Duke"

March 20th, 2006
Monday, 10.00 pm

I just found "Sweden Med Stu’s" letter that I wrote to her on March 11th!!! (smile) Do you know what THAT letter said? It said I forgot to put her birthday card in the last envelope I sent to her. I left it under a book, as I was making sure it dried flat because I MADE the card. (It’s THIS reason I really HATE this cell! I had a cabinet that held all my paperwork!)
I’ll get all of this together oneday. (smile)

I talked to my new friend in West Virginia today. Her accent reminds me of my cousins… makes me feel comfortable. She said "I don’t WANT to have an accent", and it sounded so cute. Very disarming.

My rash is covered in hydrocortisone… and I’ve used 2 tubes of it already! The rash is on my arms, chest, stomach and legs. It itches a lot, but the hydrocortisone cream helps a lot. I’m almost out of it, and I’ll have to pay $3,00 to see a doctor to get more of it. I’ve had to get tubes of it from other inmates just to get through the weekend. It looks like it’s starting to heal, but it’s a slow progress!

I’m listening to Guns N’ Roses "Live era 87 – 93". This is what I was listening to when I was arrested in ’89. In fact, my last concert was in G-n-R and Aerosmith at Buckeye Lake in late summer/early autumn of ’88. Well, my last "REAL" rock concert! I went to bars with live bands, etc… even sang on New Years in a bar on Columbus; "Lying Eyes" by the Eagles… my mother was there with me.

Health issues

2006-02-28T16:01:00.000-08:00

February 12th 2006
Sunday 9.23 am
The snow is really coming down outside. Everything is covered in white.
I stayed in from rec today… well, this morning. I may stay out for a while after lunch. I wanted to sleep-in this morning, and rest my knee. Friday morning, I was cleaning the shower downstairs and my knee popped out of joint. I got it to pop back in, but it was a little sore. Then, last night, it popped ALL the way out, and it’s back in, but it’s swollen. I’ve had problems with my left foot for 3 or 4 years, and it began to bother me again about 2 weeks ago. I’ve only run once in the past 10 days, and I think my knee is a casualty of not stretching or doing leg exercises. Now, I have to wait until my knee heals… and, I have to see the foot doctor to see if I have a bone-spur and/or if I can get a cortisone shot in it. (I KNOW what is wrong! The arch is collapsed, and the bones in the ankle are all misplaced, and there is undue stress on the tendon that runs form my big toe to the heel. It’s a painful nuisance.)
So, other than my knee injury, my 41st birthday passed uneventfully.
I wrote to some penpals and told them about a card I received from a woman who has a brother in need of a kidney. I can’t remember if I wrote about it in my blog or not… only that I wrote it to at least ONE of my penpals. In any case, I wrote and told the woman I would donate a kidney to her brother, and all she needed to do was sending me a phone number so we could speak. I’ve heard from my penpal about what I wrote to HER about it, but not from the woman!
Now that I think about it, I DID write about this! I remember because of her name and the reference to the "Brady Bunch"!
Anyway, why would someone make such a request and then not answer? Perhaps she did a "mass-mailing" and has hundreds or responses to read through… or, perhaps someone else has offered to help that is more accessible than I am. I don’t know, but I DO wish I knew SOMETHING!
Well, it’s time to eat lunch. I’ve decided that I’ll take a shower and return to my cell. I want to spend the whole day answering mail. My friend in Cincinnati sent me 15 embossed envelopes and $40.00 for art supplies. I need to get as many letters answered as I’m able, while I have the means to do so.

Letter regarding full contact visits for Ohio's Death Row

2006-02-20T02:51:00.000-08:00

To family and friends of Ohio Death Row Inmates,

There is currently a law suit pending regarding full-contact visitation for death row inmates. One obstacle the law suit faces is the fact that not very many inmates receive visits. If you have family or friends that either do not visit because of the restrictions placed on contact, or would visit more frequently if the restrictions on contact were removed, please have them send a letter to this address:

Current Resident
P.O. Box 127
Galloway, OH 43119

They could also send an e-mail to:

deathrowvisits@hotmail.com

In the letter they should be sure to include their name, the inmate’s name that they would visit, their relationship with this inmate and the fact that they would visit OR visit more frequently if there wee no restrictions on contact.

As much support as possible is needed for this suit to be successful. So everyone’s contribution is important.

Thank you.

Getting Fit

2006-02-12T12:03:00.000-08:00

January 18th , 2006
Wednesday, 9.43 am

I’m listening to ”Win, Lose or Draw” by the Allman Brothers band. This song could be the theme song of the majority of the days in my cell.
”Stormy Monday” is on now… kind of fitting, it’s snowing really hard, and the sky is dark.
I went to rec. this morning; played a game of ”Scrabble” with Brett Hartman, then I took a shower and locked back up in my cell. I came back in to write to ”Sweden Med Stu” (I have 110 pages to answer!), but wanted to write a little in here first since I haven’t in a while.
I’m still working out almost every day. I’m losing a lot of weight, and I’ve lost another pant size: I’m down to a 36 inch waist, and headed for 34. I wish I could eat only tuna and veggies for 6 weeks… I’d get rid of all the fat! But, I’m doing good! Very few 40 year old men (41 in Feb) can run for over an hour straight, and do the workouts that I do! I’m PROUD of that! NO ONE in this pod can keep up with me when I run, and they’re jealous. I’m down to 205 lbs, and I have no intention of quitting. I’ll get to 190 lbs, then try to get to 205 lbs by adding 15 lbs of muscle.
Well, they’ve started moving guys to the ”Extended Privilege” block… and I probably won’t be included (EVER!). If I can’t be around my friends (L.L. and M.W.), I don’t want to go anyway. Once Brett and Freddy-”D” leave for the Ext. Priv. block, I’ll keep to myself. I’ll work out, shower and lock back up in my cell. I want to withdraw from the rest of the inmates, and be alone from now on. I’ll never seek another friend on death row (in prison) or offer my friendship. People only USE one another, and I won’t trust anyone in that way EVER again while I’m in prison. I’ll seek friends on the outside, and create my own world in which I’ll live; in my mind and in letters.
I have to run for an hour before lunch, so I’ll end here for now. I’ll write more later today if I’m not too worn out!
Later!

7.51 pm
I’m tired, but it’s a relaxed tired. Freddy-D worked out with me, and that gave me more time to rest between sets, so I’m not ”worn out”.
I received 36 more pages from ”Sweden Med Stu” today! Think I’ll EVER get it all answered? (SHEESH!) But, I like all the attention! I just wish we could talk once in a while and not have SO MUCH to convey in letters. But, one 15 minute phone call is seventy dollars (U.S.)!!! That’s just absurd! Most people’s MONTHLY phone bill is less than THAT! It’s friggin robbery!
Anyway, I also received a short note from ”Baston” today… so it was a good day for me. The only thing I received yesterday was the receipts (cash slips) for postage for the letter and painting I sent to my friend in Cincinnati, Ohio. ($ 2.70) Once that $ 2.70 was taken from my account, I was left with $ 4.28… just enough to buy 10 embossed envelopes, plus 10 two cent stamps for the postage hike, plus 2 more two cent stamps for the embossed envelopes I ALREADY had. 5 of them go to Brett, because I borrowed 10 and still owed him 5, and have 7 for myself. I have .04 cents left in my account until I get February’s prison pay ($17.00) in 3 weeks.
Speaking of envelopes and mail, I need to answer ”Sweden Med Stu”’s letters! I’m on page 3 of 146! Only 143 more to go! (Smile… sigh… smile some more)

Jan 24th, 2006
Tuesday, 11.43 pm

Fifty-six more pages! (*smile*) I’ve spent 2 hours reading all 3 letters. It’s nice to lie back and read about her world though. I just mailed out a letter to her (10 pages), which is all I can send per envelope. I added 2 extra pages (song lyrics + web printed page) and hoping it’ll be overlooked by the post office.
Well, I’m hearing comments on my weight loss! I make sure to run as often as I can. I ran 6 of 7 days this week, and I ran TWICE on Sunday! Today, I did pull-ups, dips, and push-ups from 8.30 am until 10 am… then, I ran 100 laps from 1.15 pm until 2.09 pm during the 2nd half of rec. Tomorrow, I’ll do curls, push-ups and backarm extensions in my cell after lunch, then I’ll do crunches during pm rec. (which I do EVERY Wed. + Sun.) and run 100 to 120 laps, and then do squats and lunges until I CAN’T anymore.
All I drink is orange juice and 8 oz. of milk for breakfast… then I drink only water all day long. I eat cereal (hot or cold), eggs, and/or peanut butter for breakfast. If peanut butter is served with hot cereal (oats/grits/cream of wheat) I just put it in the cereal and skip the bread. If not, I’ll put the 2 oz. of peanut butter on ONE piece of bread and eat it. Otherwise, I never eat the bread… nor the pancakes or waffles! (I CAN’T pass up the french toast! But, we only have that rarely!) I NEVER eat more than 2 pieces of bread in a day! I trade my deserts (cookies/cake/brownie etc) for fruits (apples/oranges/bananas etc). But, I eat all the meat I can get my hands on! I eat all of my veggies and anyone else’s when offered (almost daily).
Brett received a four book set of the Stephen King ”Dark Tower” series. I never had the opportunity to read the the first book: ”The Gunslinger”, so I refused to read the others out of turn. Now, I have ”The Gunslinger” sitting here on my desk. The really cool part? It’s revised and expanded, just like he did with ”The Stand”, so I’M not one of many people who will ”HAVE TO” re-read it! (*GRINS*) Brett’s getting a seven book set, also, so I’m hoping to buy the 4 book set for Sweden Med Stu; an avid King fan, also.
Well, it’s past my bedtime. Lots to do tomorrow… need my sleep!
’nite ya’ll
”Duke”

January 29th, 2006
Sunday, 10.02 pm

I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy. I need a break for a while. But, I have to get this in the mail to ”Sweden Med Stu” by 10.30 pm… I just wanted to write for a moment.
I have to see a doctor. My foot is beginning to hurt like it used to do, I’ll ask for a cortisone shot… and I need ibuprofen for my spine and joints, and a backbrace for my lower back. I SHOULD have the bones fused in my lower back, but I’d rather have the disks replaced. This is prison, and being a death row inmate, they would rather do it the cheapest way possible.
Well, I’m out of time!
Later!

Donating a Kidney

2006-02-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

Jan. 31st, 2006
Tuesday, 2.24 am

Ripples

I received a card with a painting in watercolours of a sunset. This is what was written inside of the card;

Donald,
I am writing to you in hopes
my prayer will be answered.
My brother needs a kidney.
He has two young boys. He is
frail & can’t write on his
own behalf. Please spread
the word & if anyone can help
us, please write back
(signed by his sister)

I don’t know if a kidney donor has to ”match” some specifics (i.e. blood type etc) or what, but I’ve already decided that I WILL donate my kidney IF physically possible… AND if the State of Ohio allows me to do it. If I’m an acceptable donor, I’ll ask the Governor for his approval.
I’ve already written a short letter to her, and asked ”specifics”.
You may ask; ”Does he know her/him?” The answer is ”NO”. I’ve never heard of this person, but she has the name of one of the Brady Bunch girls (FULL, ”REAL”, NAME). (Found it odd that I would KNOW that! But there’s a REASON I know her name, she was the one I was in love with!)
So, why would a death row inmate donate a kidney to a perfect stranger? Well… #1) I owe some lives… #2)practice what you preach about love… #3) because it’s the RIGHT THING TO DO… and #4) it all comes back to leaving behind those ”good ripples” once again (maybe those kids get a needed ”moment with Dad” that makes the difference in their lives).
I don’t have to be what society EXPECTS me to be, and I choose to exercise the unconditional love in my heart. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know the person… only that I answer to the call of God’s love.

Jan. 31st, 2006
Tuesday, 11.45 am

I was supposed to be out for lunch at 11.30 am but they RARELY ever get us out on time.
I’m listening to an oldies station… they’re playing Jan + Dean. Got to love beach music!

11.55 am… 25 minutes late. We lose time “out of cell” like this on a regular basis.

12.25 pm
Baked fish, egg noodles, lima beans and peaches. I like the fish here because they do not “bread” it! Just a light seasoning.
I wish I could eat fish (tuna, mackerel, salmon, kippered herring, sardines etc) everyday! It’s sold on the commissary… but um… yeah. RIGHT!!! It’d cost 60-70 dollars to do that per month.
Speaking of this, I might as well give you all some dieting advice;

Eat no more than 2 pieces of bread per day, and make it some type of whole grain (high in fiber).
Eat fish, turkey, BAKED chicken instead of red meats.
Wrap lettuce around stuff for a sandwich instead of bread.
Eat only the egg white, and not the yolks.
Use mustard, hot sauce and/or salsa instead of mayonnaise or ketchup.
Use vinegar and olive oil instead of salad dressings high in fat and cholesterols.
And eat 4 to 6 times a day (smaller amounts), instead of 3 heavy meals. This will increase your metabolism.
Eat fruits and drink lot of water between meals.

If you can do THAT, and run for ½ hour each day (or walk 1 hour), you will see 2 things happen at the start of the 2nd week; you’ll have more energy and THINK more clearly (fish fats are brain-healthy foods). By the fourth week you’ll need new pants! At this point, you’ll want to exercise more! Because you’ll feel SO GOOD about yourself !
I feel REAL GOOD about MYSELF! I’m 41 years old in 11 days, and I’ve rebuilt my body once again. Those who are about my age understand how good I must feel to have muscles, energy, and to be as limber + flexible as I am! I want to LIVE the rest of my life AS BEST AS I CAN! All I have to do I trade my bad habits for good ones. It all comes down to self-discipline!

2.18 pm
Freddy “D” asked if I needed anything from commissary. I asked for some stamps (embossed envelopes). I know he meant food, so I won’t go hungry at night, as we ALL get on somedays… but, I need stamps… I only have one left.
Another inmate is buying two .02 cents stamps for two embossed envelope (that need the extra postage [for the postage hike]) that someone sent to me.
I’ll get the $17.00 statepay next week. I already owe out $2.00 of it.
They’ve made it so I can receive U.S. money orders from ANYONE, instead of only those on my visiting list, and there’s no one left who cares. Ironic, huh?
I had friends who used to send money to my mother, and then she’d send it to me. When she died, I had friends who forged a name to send money to me. All those friends are gone… and NOW they change the rules! Gee… THANKS! (smile :)
They make visiting BETTER and EASIER… but, now, my kids are grown, one’s gone… my mom, sister and aunts are all gone… and I’m left with an empty life. Sometimes, my sorrows are completely suffocating! Sometimes, I find a reason to smile.

10.07 pm
I came in from rec. at 9.45 pm, and just finished ironing my pants. Everyone else turned their pants into the laundry, but they have sweatpants and shorts and extra pairs of prison pants. I have one pair of pants, and one pair of shorts, and I can’t go 48 hours with only my shorts to wear! So, I washed my pants in a bucket, hung them on my fan to dry, and ironed them. My pants are clean and pressed, and ready to wear… everyone else will wait 48 hours to get their pants back!
Well, I have to get this ready to mail out by 10.30 pm.
‘nite, ya’ll!
God Bless!
“Duke”

Christmas 2005

2006-01-13T00:28:00.000-08:00

Dec. 23rd, 2005
Friday, 9.59 am

I’ve written maybe a dozen entries since I’ve been here at O.S.P.. I won’t post them on this site. I’ve gone through MAJOR bouts of depression since I’ve been here… and the past few days have been f-ing incredible!
At this moment I am sitting at the desk in my cell with a bloody sock on my left foot. ”SHE” is parked in the parking lot, and is, right now, visiting with ”HIM” on the OTHER side of the prison (”She” was here on Dec 4th and Dec 11th also.) And, I’m writing on my last 3 sheets of paper, until I borrow more from another inmate.
First of all, my brother FINALLY made it here to visit me on Dec 18th (which, ironically, is my mother’s birthday). His flight back to Heathrow in London departed at 5 pm! While he was taking off for home, I was being led away to the hole (segregation).
Another inmate got into an argument with two of the C.O.’s (Singleton and Reyes) about having his hotpot (cooking appliance) outside of his cell. In retaliation, those 2 C.O.’s searched his cell, looking for ANY reason to send him to the hole. They came out of his cell with a pencil sharpener and a cup with unauthorized medication in it (ibuprofen). So, they took him away, and they let the rest of us get back to whatever we were doing. About 20 minutes later, they came back in and locked 6 of us into an exercise room, and searched ALL of our cells. When they were done they let us all back out of the exercise room. This was before 11 am… and we went about our day. At 4.30 pm we came out for supper, and when I was almost finished eating they told me I was going to the hole. So, I went to ”D-block” (where ”HE” lives… and where they keep the hole for d.r. inmates), and I was put ”under investigation” because I only had ONE blade in a TWO blade pencil sharpener. Well, that was a common thing in Mansfield! We were allowed to have loose razor blades, steel scissors, and blades from our pencil sharpener to use for cutting art materials, etc.
Earlier in these blogs is mention of the idiot who just didn’t know better to leave me alone, and I went to the hole for threatening to defend myself against him. Well, he was picking on another inmate, a stroke victim who can hardly walk, and THIS time he got his throat cut. The inmate (stroke victim) LIED about how it all happened, and he’s in the hole under a ”SUPERMAX” secutiry level. The shit-starter is enjoing ”GENERAL POPULATION” status… and this place is treating him like a ”VICTIM”. (This so-called ”victim” LITERALLY f-ed a 2 year old baby to DEATH! The baby died of internal injuries!)
In any case, because this asshole can’t mind his own business, and because the other guy went WAY TOO FAR and cut his throat, they decided to make an example out of ME, AND the inmate they INTENDED to send to the hole.
So, I went to the hole at 5 pm on the 20th. I made a statement that I was allowed INTO THIS PRISON with the pencil sharpener, when my scissors, headphone extension cord, and other stuff was sent home because it was ”contraband”. If the sharpener had been labelled contraband, I’d have thrown it away, or sent it home. (I sent stuff to ”Ohio”) If I ”KNOW” what’s considered ”contraband” I’d AT LEAST have the opportunity to throw it away!
The missing blade was thrown out in Mansfield. I fail to see how a blade MISSING can from the sharpener is ”DANGEROUS”. Yes, I CAN understand their concern, but unless a weapon is found to have been made from it, I fail to see why I was put in the hole.
I felt wrongly accused of any offense, and I wrote an official statement saying so.
I refused breakfast, lunch, and supper on the 21st. I refused breakfast on the 22nd, and they asked me why I wasn’t eating. I told them ”I’m not eating a thing until I’m out of here. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m not eating until I’m out of here!” So, I was told I’d just get a ”minor contraband” ticket, and I pled guilty to ”#49 destruction, alteration or misuse of property”. THEN they turned around and put me on ”30 days commissary restriction”.
On the way TO and FROM the hole I had to wear shackles and it’s a long way to walk. The skin over my achilles tendon is raw, and I have blood on my socks.
I received my clothes that I sent to the laundry while over there, but not my fingernail clippers, shaving razors, or yesterday’s mail.

1.58 pm
”SHE” just left at 1.30 pm. I knocked on the cell window with my metal tweezers, and flashed my mirror so she knew where to look. She waved… she knew it was me. She looks really good. She was here to see him for a ”Christmas” visit. She left looking very happy.

I missed my last days to mail letters + cards out BEFORE Christmas! I wrote to Shyla while in the hole, using just the inside of a pen that I mentioned in the past… in a note to Karen I spoke of the red ink… and it consisted of the ink well stick and the tip of the pen (the part you write with). There was no casing around it, so I wrapped an envelope (from a Christmas card I received) around the tip and ink well, and taped it. I ”made” the casing, so I could write with it.
The ONLY card I sent out went to ”Sweden Med. Stu.” by way of a friend in Cincinnati, Ohio. And it won’t get there BEFORE Christmas.
My Christmas? My Christmas came by way of Christmas cards. I received 21 cards; 3 from my brother and his family (his daughter MADE me 2!!!), 2 from ”HER”, one from ”Ohio” (which was very nice), one from ”Texas S.P.”, one from ”Baston”, one from a new friend; ”Canton”, one from my friend in Cincinnati, Ohio, one from Dee Martin at The Abolishment Movement, 6 from people (that I don’t know) who support d.r. inmates, and 4 from people who read my blog. Of these last 4, I’d like to share what they wrote; ”May peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through! Hang in there and know that you are not alone” (Amsterdam, Netherlands)
”I often read your diary on the internet! I wish you all the best.” (Spain)
But my favourite one is;

”If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you,
And share with you its beauty
On the days you’re feeling blue.
If I could build a mountain
You could call your own,
A place to find serenity,
A place to be alone.
If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I’m finding
Are impossible for me
I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be what I know best
A friend who’s always there”

”Happy New Year and
be good to yourself”
(France)

This was handwritten on the back of a little card. It’s my favourite one of the people I don’t know.

10.57 pm
I got my card from ”Sweden Med. Stu.” today. She makes me feel like I’m too far away, and wish I was nearer. She writes hundreds of pages of letters to me and I can’t keep up with her. She doesn’t mind if I only write 2 or 3 pages, so long as I answer the important parts.

My transfer to O.S.P. took a lot out of me. I was depressed for a long time. I was forced to quit smoking, and I have no one to call on the phone, or anyone to visit me. (I won’t see my brother for 2 or 3 years.) I have no money, except for the $17.00 statepay I get each month for being the ”librarian” in my pod. Tha barely covers hygiene and writing materials. I owe ”Ohio” $500, and I can’t even make or buy cards to send out… not even mention embossed envelopes or overseas (extra) postage. I have 10 cents in my account, and that’s all I’ll have until January’s statepay (prison pay). I spent $1.42, of the $1,52 I had left over from December’s statepay, on a pint of Hershey’s Ice Cream on Dec 14th. (I’m including a commissary receipt to be scanned and added to THIS ENTRY!)

Dec 24th 2005
Saturday, 10.13 am
Good morning!
The sun is out and all of the snow is beginning to giveway to the grass beneath. We’ve had snow (4-6 inches of it) on the ground for at least 4 weeks… and it’s all melting for Christmas. But, there’s snow in the forecast for the days following Christmas, so the kids will get to use their sleds soon enough!
My Christmas will be a prayer at midnight tonight. I wrote to Shyla and asked her to say a prayer with me at midnight. We’re in the same time-zone. So, I get to be with my daughter at midnight. But anyone who reads this already knows how I spend my Christmases.

3.27 pm
I came back to my cell early. Rec isn’t over until 3.45 pm, but I came back at 2.50 pm. I was playing Scrabble (a boardgame) with Brett Hartman. He kicked my ass today. I only won one game all day.
There’s hardly ANY white left outside! Only where shadows protected it from direct sunlight. No white Christmas this year. Two days ago there was 4 to 6 inches of snow.
Anyway, I guess people may want to know what this place is like, so here’s MY thoughts so far; it’s good to be out of my cell 5 to 6 hours a day, and be able to socialize with the other 7 inmates on the top range with me. It’s nice to be able to eat my meals outside of my cell, at a table with others. The food TASTES 100 % better than the food at Mansfield! The visiting is better, and they’re about to start ”semi-contact” visits. They’ve cut holes in the safetyglass that are 5 inches high and 18 inches wide (approximately), where you can get a kiss and hold hands, but they’re only doing 3 booths. I’ve heard they will start in January. (I don’t have any visitors, so it’s not a perk to ME!)
The bad things are; the ”supermax” mentality of the staff here. Laundry takes 48 hours to get back to you. Rec is interrupted every 20 mins so the guards can do ”range checks”. Guards are vindictive, and instigate arguments with inmates… that’s how I ended up in the hole, because the other inmate argued with 2 guards (C.O. Singleton and C.O. Reyes). I kept telling the guy that his confrontational attitude was going to get his ass hung up on some bullshit! Well, it DID!!! And I got hung up TOO! (Man, I hate DUMBASSES!)

Dec 25th, 2005
Sunday, 11.59 pm
Merry Christmas!
No special meal for Christmas, and the prison was locked down from 9 am until 4.30 pm. We only got out for 2 ½ hours today. My worst Christmas of the 17 I’ve celebrated in prison. The warden is a Jehova’s Witness and he doesn’t believe in Christmas! It’s against his religion, so all of the other Protestants and Catholics find themselves religiously oppressed. After all, the Muslims are served their meals after sunset during Ramadan. But, no for all the ”other” Christians!
Yeah, I know Mary was only ”Great with child”, and that even the Romans were smart enough to wait for warmer weather to allow people to travel to their birthplaces for a census, and ”Christmas” was invented in order to incorporate pagans into Christianity by allowing them to substitute Christmas for their ”Winter Solstice”… but Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus as a ”tradition”, and not an actual ”holy day”. But this is the ONLY prison that DOESN’T serve a holiday meal for Christmas. So, since it is a matter of religious beliefs that denies us a holiday meal, let me speak against THEIR beliefs!
Jehova’s Witnesses believe in the Holy Days set forth in the Old Testament, such as the Feast of Tabernacles, Feast of Trumpets, Passover etc etc. They believe sabbath day is Saturday, and day begins end ends at sunset. Basically, they still believe in the ”LAW” and are bound by it.
A true Christian believes (and I stress ”TRUE”) that Jesus was the Son of God, God in the flesh. The words of Jesus are the words of God.
After the birth of Jesus, Joseph took Mary and Jesus to Egypt. An angel of the Lord warned them of King Herod’s plan to kill Jesus… but, the main reason is to relive the Exodus experience of Israel. The father-son relationship between God and the nation (Israel) is set in a higher key. But, here, the Son is not a ”group” adopted as ”son of God”, but the child conceived by the Holy Spirit. Jesus is the son of David and of Abraham, of Mary and Joseph, but, above all, God! So, Jesus is not only ”of” God, but of all of Israel, from Abraham (the beginning).
If Jesus is one with the Father, then the words He spoke were of God (God’s Word). Jesus (God) fulfilled the law, and made the law obsolete by dying for the sins created by Adam + Eve when they accepted the knowledge of right and wrong, which is what the law was made for; to prevent man from sinning. But, in following the law, one rejects the offering of Jesus, forgiveness of sins, and God’s grace. Holy Days or holidays mean NOTHING! Here are your only 2 commandments;

#1) You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.
#2) You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Is it a sin to feed inmates a special meal because you believe Christmas NOT to be a ”Holy Day”? Those who believe in celebrating the birth of their savior (regardless of whether it was or wasn’t Dec 25th) should not be denied a special meal on a holiday that the U.S. government acknowledge, ESPECIALLY in a FEDERALLY FUNDED (partially) PRISON! All because the warden doesn’t share the same beliefs. You fail the second commandment by hurting the feelings of Christians.
Jehova’s Witnesses base their sect around Isaiah, 43:10 ”You are my witnesses, says the Lord, my servents whom I have chosen.
To know an believe in me and understand that it is I.
Before me no god was formed, and after me there shall be none.”

Jehova’s Witnesses were formed by Charles T. Russel (1852 – 1916). They are a proselytizing Christian sect. They follow the mosaic law, and the old Holy Days, and keep an old biblical calendar to follow the Holy Days.
I think it is a sin to crush the spirits of fellow Christians, regardless of denomination.
Christmas was ”just another day” for me, besides the midnight prayer. My neighbor gave me a present wrapped in newspaper; chocolate bar and a lollipop. He gave ALL 15 guys the same thing. He put a present in front of every cell door on the bottom range for those guys… a while later, a guard was making his rounds and got suspicious, so he opened one, saw what it was, then tossed it 7 - 10 feet BACK infront of the cell door. We heard the lollipop shatter, so Brett (my neighbor) replaced it. Moments later we saw the guard telling the other guards about the little gifts. He seemed amazed that we’re capable of social skills and being civil and kind towards one another. (I HATE THIS SUPERMAX MENTALITY.)
(*sigh*) No one to call and talk to for Christmas. No visits. I’m going to go work out.

Merry Christmas!

Dukes New Address

2005-11-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

Donald "Duke" Palmer #A 215600
Ohio State Penitentiary
878 Coitsville-Hubbard RoadYoungstown, Ohio 44505

Please remember to send him some Christmas cards also.

Thank you

Demons and Reason

2005-11-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

Demons and Reason
By "Duke" Palmer
Woke up today and found myself in a prison cell.
Just like yesterday, and every day
for the past sixteen years in this concrete hell.
Every night I pray to wake from this fucked up dream,
here I chase my past, and look for love at last,
tasting tears in a silent scream.
Tears flow into the scream, and it tastes like venom. Poisoned dreams flow in and out of reality, and my reality is a nightmare. Alone. Abandoned. Forgotten. The volume of the voice in my head gets louder and louder, and I hate what it tells me. I’m afraid of it… of my own mind speaking to itself… of itself. It tells me the tears are the poison escaping my wretched soul, because of the hatred for those who’ve crucified my love for them. And the dreams are only the reality I wish inflicted upon those teachers of treachery and deceit, for the gift of my pain.
I’m a cold sweat, I woke to reason, in the early hours before dawn. Reason tells me to still the voices. That reality is a state of mind. Nightmares are only fears you allow yourself to believe. That I sent my love into a void, expecting the void to give what it doesn’t have to give. The only love I lost was the love I gave… I’ve only myself to blame. I received exactly what a void has to offer; nothing. Reason tells me to call back my love, keep it within me, and the one worthy of it will seek it out.
Yeah, right… whatever!

Letter I was sent.

2005-11-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Duke:
I saw a link to your webpage asking for penpals on the internet. I also found the following about your crime on the Ohio District Attorney website:
On 5/8/89, Donald L. Palmer Jr. and an accomplice murdered and robbed a driver of a pickup truck whom Palmer got into an accident with on County Road 2 near Glen Robbins Road in Belmont county. Palmer shot the driver twice in the head and dumped the body and pickup truck in a nearby field. Palmer additionally murdered and robbed another motorist who stopped at the scene of the accident. Palmer hot the motorist twice in the head and left the body and vehicle at the scene. Palmer confessed to police.
I’m curious, what on earth can you possibly share with the world? I’m sure you do enjoy living. Just as those two people you murdered enjoyed their lives before you took them needlessly and selfishly.
You’ve been on death row for 14 years it seems. That’s plenty of time to discover your personal views on the afterlife. Why not drop your appeals and be a man for a change? Your victims deserve to rest in peace.

Sincerely,

A Citizen For Swift Justice

Citizens for Swift Justice

2005-11-23T11:33:00.000-08:00

Tuesday October 11th 2005
10.20 pm
I’ve tried to write, and I’ve thrown 10-15 pages in the trash. Call it self-censorship… but I have my reasons; #1) I could be put in the hole for "threats" and #2) I refuse to give power to the negative feelings I’ve been harbouring. I will include a poem (?) I wrote, but I’ll leave the rest in the trash bin.
I’ve considered to stop the blogs, along with everything else. My life has turned to shit, and I am afraid of the feelings I have. I’m afraid I won’t bounce back from one of these bouts of depression. I feel like I’m being strangled by hopelessness and despair. I often (very often) consider ending my appeals. I feel like no matter how hard I try to be my own man, I have some kind of opposition there to knock me back down. This time, it’s going to make me hurt someone’s feelings… deeply. But, they’re suffocating EVERYTHING in my life, and I have to walk away before I totally bug the fuck out and get myself in a deeper hole than I’m in.
This is why I haven’t written, also! Too much truth can be a bad thing, and get me in tons of shit.
I haven’t painted or drawn ANYTHING! Doesn’t seem to be worth my time. Besides, I can’t afford to send it out to anyone, so why do it?
I worked out last night until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t want to try to write, because I’d just write out my trouble, and toss it in the trash. So, I did curls (biceps) and backarm presses (triceps) until I couldn’t do anymore. I’m sore as hell today, but I’ll do it again before I go to bed tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll work out all day, and run (in place) for as long as I can.
I still have 2 letters to answer from last week; "Baston" and "New Bedford" (Massachusetts)… and I got tons of mail today; my cousin, "Sweden Med Stu", "Texas W.R.", copies of the most recent blogs (from "Ohio") and a newsletter from "Florida Support". 25 handwritten pages from my cousin, "Texas W.R.", and "Sweden Med Stu"… 16 pages from "Sweden Med Stu". It was great to sit and read mail for 2 hours. (Took me an hour to read all of my blogs + the newsletter)
"Texas W.R."’s letter smelled SO GOOD! I don’t know what kind of perfume she uses, but it smells "clean"… that’s the best way I can describe it. She really cracked me up. I drew a picture for her in my last letter to describe something to her, and her comment made me laugh out loud. I just wish I had a photo to show her… she’d DIE! (*grin*) She probably thinks I’m exaggerating, but the truth is as disgusting as my drawing, which makes it that much funnier to me.
"Sweden Med Stu" wrote 16 pages, but most of it was blogs about her day. The really cool thing is that I’m there in her mind all day, everyday. She writes while commuting to and from classes, and it makes me feel alive. She strokes my um………………… ego! (smile) She told me about how she first came to write to me, and how it changed the way she thought about things. Here’s an excerpt from her letter: "… I quickly found truth, life and dignity in you, and us. For that, I am forever grateful to you. You said in your blog it’s been a privilege to see ME grow, but I must tell you that you inspire me to be a better person. You make me aware of the important things in life, and it’s the most precious gift I can ever get from you."
Good ripples, right?
Me?! The man deemed unfit to live by a jury of my peers? Surely, she MUST be mistaken, right? What good can there be in a condemned man?
I love this girl’s mind + heart. Here is someone that makes this world a better place. Here is a young lady with her head and heart in the right place. And, if I’m to be executed, I’ll know my love will continue to make good ripples in this world. She makes me feel like I MATTER!!! And, I DO…. to her! Gotta love that, right?
As for my cousin, she’s going through a heartache… and there are kids at stake in it… so, I’, needed there, too. She and I could always talk, and that’ what her letter was about; leaning on me, and talking out her problems. We’re a lot alike in that aspect. She’s a very independent person… very strong person. She’s just like her mother. She’ll be okay, as soon as we talk out her options.
Well, I’m gonna go to bed, it’s late. I’ve been re-reading all of their letters. It brought me out of my depression. This one lasted for about 10-15 days… that’s not good!
‘nite ya’ll!
Duke
Demons and Reason
By "Duke" Palmer
Woke up today and found myself in a prison cell.
Just like yesterday, and every day
for the past sixteen years in this concrete hell.
Every night I pray to wake from this fucked up dream,
here I chase my past, and look for love at last,
tasting tears in a silent scream.
Tears flow into the scream, and it tastes like venom. Poisoned dreams flow in and out of reality, and my reality is a nightmare. Alone. Abandoned. Forgotten. The volume of the voice in my head gets louder and louder, and I hate what it tells me. I’m afraid of it… of my own mind speaking to itself… of itself. It tells me the tears are the poison escaping my wretched soul, because of the hatred for those who’ve crucified my love for them. And the dreams are only the reality I wish inflicted upon those teachers of treachery and deceit, for the gift of my pain.
I’m a cold sweat, I woke to reason, in the early hours before dawn. Reason tells me to still the voices. That reality is a state of mind. Nightmares are only fears you allow yourself to believe. That I sent my love into a void, expecting the void to give what it doesn’t have to give. The only love I lost was the love I gave… I’ve only myself to blame. I received exactly what a void has to offer; nothing. Reason tells me to call back my love, keep it within me, and the one worthy of it will seek it out.
Yeah, right… whatever
Wednesday October 12th 2005
10.59 am
I froze my ass off last night. I put my blanket out to be washed, and I slept with just a sheet to cover up with. It must’ve only been about 45-50o Fahrenheit in here this morning. Someone’s going to die of hypothermia before they turn the heat on! (They have to keep the airconditioning turned on, or the heat… otherwise, it’ll get damp in here.)
Anyway, they didn’t wash laundry today… so it’ll be ANOTHER night without a blanket! (THIS SUCKS!)
I’ll spend the rest of the morning, up to suppertime (5.30 pm), answering these letters. I won 13 stamps in a card game, plus the $ 5 I borrowed from Kenny to get IN the game. Now, I have postage for U.S. letters, and $ 15 of commissary (hygiene items) to use for card games. I HATE living like this… but I’ll do hat I HAVE to do! Reduced to nothing… welcome to MY world! When it’s time for everyone to order from the commissary, I’ll ask if anyone is buying the items I have, and sell them for the same amount or cheaper, and get some more legal pads and stamps.
My life sucks! Oh well!
Later!
11.53 pm
I received the most lovely letter today from a nameless + faceless member of Citizen’s For Swift Justice. A copy of which will be posted on here in its entirety. The sender was courteous enough to put a return address on it, and (of course) it’s a P.O. Box in New York, even though it as postmarked in Memphis, Tennessee. I hope the DW at the heading is this person’s initials, because I’d like to address this person directly! But, my words would only seem self-serving, and portray me as a "typical convict" in their eyes… and would only be the subject of ridicule amongst these breeders of hatred.
So, I have my first request for those of you in opposition to the death penalty, or in opposition to those who would like to bypass the system that ensures a safe verdict, and makes sure innocent people are not murdered, despite the ignorance of citizens’ wishes; I’d like to see this letter answered by anyone who thinks I have ANYTHING worth sharing with the world! I’d like this hatred answered with 1,000 letters of love an respect and peaceful intelligence. I would like this blog, and this person’s letter sent out to every anti-death penalty group in the world, and have just this one person’s hateful voice drowned out with love. This person made the mistake of asking 2 questions; #1) I’m curious, what on earth can you possibly share with the world? …and, #2) Why not drop your appeals and be a man for a change?
I’ll leave that first question to be answered by anyone who believes I have something to share with the world… but, I WILL answer the 2nd question!
ANSWER: Why not give up? The guy who was arrested DID give up! He gave up his hatred. He gave up drugs and alcohol. He gave up on true justice, because it does not exist in the U.S.. He gave up the right to raise his children. He gave up listening to preachers of hate. And, he gave up his heart to the Lord Jesus Christ, despite his mischievous and sinful nature. He’ll continue to give up his sins to be nailed to a cross 2000 years ago. And, tonight, he’ll give up a prayer for you.
However, he won’t give up his love, his forgiveness, his wisdom, or the forgiveness of his sins that he has been granted through Jesus Christ, his Lord an Saviour. And, he won’t give up trying to be a better person… nor the life given to him by God the Father.
And, despite your request, he won’t give up on you becoming a better person.
God loves you! And, so do I!
As for the first question, those of you compelled to answer it for me, please address your letters to;
CFSJ-DWP.O. Box 170103
Ozone Park, NY 11417
And be sure to specifically state that it is in response to the citizen who wrote to "DUKE" on Ohio’s Death Row, and mailed the letter from Tennessee!
Please circulate this letter and this blog to everyone that you believe may write a letter!
I have been honest in my blogs, and I let everyone, and anyone, see me for who I am… the good, the bad and the sinfulness of my nature. I’m only a man. Please let love win this argument.
As for the statement on the Ohio District Attorney’s website, I have a challenge for them! Print any portion of my trial transcripts that say I was anything other than a passenger in ANY of the vehicles in the accident! Any portion that says I dumped ANYTHING in a nearby field. That I robbed ANYONE, OR confessed to ANY of these things to the police or ANYONE ELSE for that matter!
Trial transcripts are available at the Belmont County Courthouse for a cost. Ask for the CLERK OF COURTS!!!
False prophets will NEVER bring true justice without telling the truth! They spin the truth, and the facts, into false perceptions of reality… and call their convictions "justice".
Then, 16 years after the fact, the followers of these false prophets think themselves "righteous citizens", and lead crusades armed in ignorance.
‘Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do’ - Luke 23:34
One more note of importance; 15 or 16 d.r. inmates in cellblock DR-2 have been given 48 hrs. notice of their move to O.S.P (Super Maximum Prison) in Youngstown, Ohio.
It has begun.
‘nite!
Ohio Death Row Inmate
"The letter":
Dear Duke:
I saw a link to your webpage asking for penpals on the internet. I also found the following about your crime on the Ohio District Attorney website:
On 5/8/89, Donald L. Palmer Jr. and an accomplice murdered and robbed a driver of a pickup truck whom Palmer got into an accident with on County Road 2 near Glen Robbins Road in Belmont county. Palmer shot the driver twice in the head and dumped the body and pickup truck in a nearby field. Palmer additionally murdered and robbed another motorist who stopped at the scene of the accident. Palmer hot the motorist twice in the head and left the body and vehicle at the scene. Palmer confessed to police.
I’m curious, what on earth can you possibly share with the world? I’m sure you do enjoy living. Just as those two people you murdered enjoyed their lives before you took them needlessly and selfishly.
You’ve been on death row for 14 years it seems. That’s plenty of time to discover your personal views on the afterlife. Why not drop your appeals and be a man for a change? Your victims deserve to rest in peace.

Sincerely,

A Citizen For Swift Justice

Saturday October 15th 2005
11.40 pm
I went on a visit Thursday. "OHIO" came to see me. I think we’ve resolved some things that needed to be addressed between us. It was a fun visit, too. I came back at 1.30 pm, went to rec. at 4 pm, then slept until 4.30 am after I ate supper. I was wiped out.
Yesterday, I went to rec. at 8 am to 10.30 am, had mass (just Fr. Gerry and me) from 11 am to noon. Mail came at 2.15 pm… got a note from Karen: he was worried about me because of my bout of depression.
Today, I cleaned, went to rec from 4.30 pm to 6 pm (couldn’t get "NEAR" the phone, EVERYBODY USED IT!), just finished painting for the night (I’m working on the mountain lake painting Kenny bought from the other inmate), and I’m listening to Allison Krauss… she’s on "Austin City Limits" on P.B.S. tonight. Then, I’ll watch/listen to Joss Stone on "Sound Stage"… also on P.B.S..
I need to get up tomorrow and finish writing letters, and get these pages off to Scotland.
"Sweden Med Stu" keeps asking me for synonyms for words I use, so I’m sending her a thesaurus. She writes in English better than most Americans, and loves to learn as much as she can. She speaks Swedish, Danish and English. I have 2 different thesaurus books, so I’ll send her one. (Swe Med Stu NOTE: Actually, I speak a lot of French and a little German, too J)
Kenny’s next door snoring. The other night I was laughing as I went to bed, because I was thinking how I missed hearing him snore. It’s soft through the wall…but I’d NEVER be HIS CELLMATE! (Good Lord!) But, I thought it funny how familiar I found it, as I fell asleep.
Kenny won’t be going to O.S.P. when we move. He’ll go to Warren, until he goes back for his new trial. That’s going to be strange. I’m wondering how that must feel… my insides would be twisting if it was me. He’s been kind of depressed lately. He thought he’d hear something from the U.S. Supreme Ct last Monday. His attorneys told him it was put off until NEXT Monday… and he’s been depressed ever since.
But, I’m doing this painting; touching it up and changing the foreground, so it’ll be done before one of us leaves (him to county, or both of us to separate prisons). And, I keep putting off writing, trying to get all of this stuff done. Think I’ll stay in from rec. for 2 or 3 days, after I call Karen tomorrow morning.
About a week ago, or so, Kenny was playfully arguing with another inmate. Then Kenny said, "You wanna get down?" And the other inmate said, "Yeah, I wanna get down! Do you?" And Kenny said, "Yeah! Let’s go!"
Now, I know both of them well enough to know they were just playing, and I figured they wrestle around, or slap-box each other. And, when they came together they started snapping their fingers and dancing with each other! I swear, it looked like a very bad gay-porno! Very disturbing! I said, "Ya know, you’re both completely retarded!" If I had a video camera, I could make millions! I’ve seen some strange things these past 16 years.
Well, it’s time for me to go to bed. I have to get up and turn on the Country Classics in the morning.
‘nite, ya’ll!
Ohio Death Row Inmate
Monday October 17th 2005
11.50 pm
We got our notices to move today. It states that our ‘…transfer may occur within the next seven days, and not less than 24 hours after the serving of this notice.’ So, I could be moved tomorrow, anytime after 2.46 pm (not likely), but most probable within seven days.
Another inmate has attempted suicide. High-ranking correctional officers are doing cell checks every couple of hours.
As I understand it, those psychologically barred from being sent to Supermax will remain at Man. C. I.. I heard that the current D.R. facilities will be turned into "Mental Health" facilities for Ohio Dept. of Corrections.
I’ve been sorting through papers, and trying to get rid of stuff I don’t need. Not easy to do. I’ll pack up the stuff I don’t need on a daily basis, and get this painting done so I can pack my art supplies too.
I may not write anymore until I’m in O.S.P., because I have a lot to take care of beforehand.
More stress… yeah, that’s what I need right now!
Well, I’m going to mail these pages out, and be sure to have SOMETHING new on this site before the transition.
‘nite!
"Ohio Death Row Inmate"

Moving Cells AT LAST

2005-11-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

Friday Sept. 23rd 2005
8.00 pm
I’m not having a good day. I want to scream or break something. It’s just one of those days. One inmate is laughing his insane head off, just like he does anytime he’s awake… another is playing a harmonica, just like he’s done everyday for a year, and he hasn’t learned one frigging song… he’s just making noise… and my TV. has no sound, and my batteries will soon die in my radio (c.d. player). But I have it cranked up, and the fan on high… and I wish to God I could drown out the insanity!!! I wish the nurse would come around and give them their medication! Feels like an asylum in this pod! Five of the seven inmates on my range (the "upstairs" of this pod) are on psych-meds! I’m going to have to go to the hole for a vacation/holiday!
As a matter of fact, I’m going to put a kite in and move to the other side with Kenny! I can’t TAKE this shit! There isn’t one person in this pod that I can have an intelligent conversation with! I spent my whole rec. period (1 ½ hours) on the phone with "Ohio" and Karen.
10.10 pm
I went and layed down, and listened to the Celtic program, and then to the Kent State folk program… which is still playing. I feel a lot better than I did earlier.
I didn’t do ANY painting today… just to aggravated. I’ll go to bed soon, and hope for a better day tomorrow. I’m going to rec. in the morning and hangout on the phone again. I need to "get away from prison", even if it’s just in conversation.
Who knows, maybe I’ll paint a door on my outside wall, and just leave through it! Couldn’t you just see the look on the guard’s face when he looks in and sees a door on my back wall? HA!
One day, Kenny took a string and pretended t have hung himself when it was time for the nurse to make her rounds. He held his breath and turned his face beet-red, and let his tongue fall out. The nurse about shit herself! They put Kenny in a strip-cell, four-pointed him to a bed with nothing but a paper gown to wear… no mattress, no sheets… and left him like that for 2 days. To this day, he swears it was worth the look on the nurse’s face! And, I have to admit, it was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in my 16 years on the row.
One day, while in the cell next to Kenny’ (the one I sketched), I was at the door, sitting on a stack of transcripts (I used as weights to lift) and this plastic soda bottle landed on my foodslot. It had a tube made of empty toilet paper rolls stuck in the side of the bottle, with the bottom of the bottle cut off! Next thing I know I hear Kenny’s voice singing a song from the movie "Bridge of Brigadoon". The nut had made a phone so only we could hear what was being said.
Well, one day, a relief guard seen it in the door and asked what the hell it was… and I said "What? You act as if you’ve never seen a cell phone before!" (smile)
When we used to be allowed to roam the pod, and go where we wanted, when we wanted (during rec.), all of the guys (Kenny, Tony, "HIM" and me) would hang out in my cell and play cards. I had a table (footlocker up on cans) and seats for all of us. Sometimes we would cook and eat, like a backyard barbeque, and just sit and talk. They liked hanging out in my cell because it felt like a room, instead of a cell. I had a stereo with 4 speakers, a blanket on the floor for a carpet, etc… and it just felt comfortable, I even had a big Chanel #5 poster of Marilyn Monroe on my wall… until the movie "Shawshank Redemption" came out, and they TOOK my poster! (smile) They took a lot of things from me, including the carpet/blanket and the stereo.
Now, we can’t have radios with speakers, adaptive for A/C power (instead of batteries), nothing on the walls, no blankets or towels on the floor, etc etc. We’re cuffed before we leave our cells, and they lock us in a cage before the cuffs come off. We can’t wear our own shirts to visit anymore… we have to wear these ugly, uncomfortable white pullover smocks!
It just keeps getting worse.
Speaking of worse (*sigh*) there goes the batteries! Silence for one week. Think I’ll make it? Man, this is going to SUCK!
Well, I did get my coffee and smokes for another week. I’ll just have to get this painting done before next week. I should have it done by Monday. I’ll ask if he wants me to start the next one, and I’ll try to finish it before Friday, too, and see if he wants to pay me for that one, also! The spending limit is $ 75 per week, but some items are exempt from that limit; batteries, vitamins, medicines, t-shirts, scented oils, appliances (electronics; clocks, watches, beard trimmers, cordless shavers etc) and a few other things. But, I need a lot of those things, too… so, maybe he’ll pay me $ 30 in that stuff, plus $ 29 in regular stuff, which will leave him $ 46 within the limit. (I’m taking $ 9 off for the paints, which was $ 8.36)
I don’t know… we’ll see.
Well, I’m off to bed. I want to get up at 6.30 am and watch Bob Ross (artist) paint a landscape in 30 mins., maybe find a shortcut to the one I’m doing, or the next one.
It’ been quiet since the radio shut off. Hop they STAY asleep until I am. Kinda hate to give up the peace and quiet for sleep… I actually feel relaxed for the first time in days.
Well, anyways…
…’nite!
Duke
Saturday Sept. 24th 2005
11.59 am
I just finished painting for the night. I’m about 2/3’s done, and all I have to do is the details in the foreground.
I borrowed 2 batteries, and I’ve been listening to folk music all night while painting. No harmonica or laughing tonight.
I got up and watched Bob Ross this morning, and I found a shortcut for the next painting I’ll do for the inmate I mentioned. I realized that I paint in much more detail than Bob Ross did… yet, his paintings are just as good. Of course, he used oil paints, which are more workable than the acrylic paints I use, because oil paints stay wet longer.
After rec, I came back and slept off and on all day. I got up and cleaned my cell at 2.30 pm, ate at 5.20 pm, and went back to sleep until 8 am. Sleeping off my depression, I guess.
Today is one of those days I don’t feel ANYTHING. I’m just numb; neither hot or cold… I just AM. But, compared to yesterday, I’ll take THIS!
Well, according to the Dept. of Corrections, we’ll be getting no less than 35 hours of rec. a week, everyone will have a job, and they won’t start taking away our privilege (like they did when we came here from Lucasville). Those without TV’s will be given one. That’s what they told the court at the hearings that were held on Aug 31st, Sept 1st + 2nd, 2005. So, if the court accept those conditions, we’ll be moved to OSP in Youngstown, Ohio.
Looks like I’ll never be getting another visit in THIS lifetime. I’ll be moving hours further away from my family and "Ohio". Oh, well… that’s just the way my life goes.
Five hours of rec each day sounds really good! Too bad they don’t have a REAL rec. yard for us! But, I’m looking forward to working out every morning for 2 ½ hours, then coming out for 2 ½ hours in the afternoon/evening. That’s the problem with THIS place… there’s no time to workout AND make phone calls! We used to get 2 ½ hours in the am and again in the pm for rec. We could go outside and come in whenever we pleased, during our rec period. We could walk in and out of our cells, and use the toilet if we needed to.
I’ll miss having my own shower, but I heard the cells are bigger at OSP.
I don’t know… if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the Dept. of Correction, it’s that they ALWAYS paint a rosy picture, then hand us shit! Sixteen years of it! Why SHOULD I believe them NOW?
Oh, well! We’ll see what happens soon enough!
I’m off to bed! Want to get up for the Country Classics in the am, and finish this painting, so I can answer some mail.
‘nite, ya’ll!
Duke
Sunday Sept. 25th, 2005
8.08 am
Good morning! Well, it is for ME! They’ve been playing a lot of good songs… Hank Williams, Sr. I on right now.
Patsy Cline just came on, and even the black guys in the rec. cage got quiet and listened. Like I said, she’s got one of those voices that speak straight to your heart.
I’m going to finish this painting this morning and get another canvas board so I can start the second one tomorrow. 1 ½ feet by 2 feet… it’s a lot of painting. But, since he wants another one like this one, it should be a little easier after having done this one.
Tonight, I’ll write to "Southend" and to my daughter.
Well, I’ll turn off the radio at 9 am, and wait until 9 pm to turn it on again. Want to make the best out of these last 2 batteries.
Okay, time to go paint. I’ll be back later.
11.15 pm
Well, I finished the painting, and on good faith, I sent it to the inmate. When I went to rec., he asked me what I wanted from the commissary, so I start reading off a list. He starts an argument, and says I told him I’d do it for $ 25… so, I told him to stick it up hi ass, and I didn’t want anything from his bitch-ass! I’ll keep the paint… so, basically, I did a hundred dollar painting for $ 8.36 and never having to hear his bitch-ass call my name ever again. It was worth EVERY F-ING PENNY!
The 2nd shift guards never give u a break on our rec. period! Got us out at 4.48 pm and locked u up at 6.12 pm… and that included eating supper at 5.30 pm. Just for one week, I’d like to lock the guards up in a cell for 22 ½ hours a day… and take away more + more minutes each day.
I fell asleep at 8 pm, and woke up at 10 pm. I watched "Grey’s Anatomy" while listening to "Classic Country". The main character finds out that her boyfriend is married in last season’s finale, and tonight she finds out his wife cheated on him with his best friend, and that’s why he left. He describes coming home, and stepping on a man’ jacket, and knowing who’s it was. He tells her how cruel it was, and I just couldn’t believe how ironic it all was.
Well, I’m going to end here, and send this out. I need to write to my kids before I go to bed.
‘nite, ya’ll!
Duke
Wednesday Sept. 28th 2005
5.11 pm
What do you mean "where have YOU been"? I don’t know where I’ve been. Just doing stuff I’ve needed to do; fixed my TV, made my daughter a birthday card, did fantasy football paperwork, cleaned my cell yesterday, and worked on my son’s hexagonal box. I’ve written letters I NEED to mail out, but I’m out of embosses envelopes and I have no money left in my account. I used my last envelope to send out my daughter’s birthday card. I can’t mail out these blogs (Sept 23rd, 24th, 25th… and today’s… or the rest that I write) until the 9th of Oct. That’s when my $ 18 prison pay will be put on my books (the 10th).
I was hoping to sell some artwork by now. And I was counting on that ASSHOLE to hold up his end of the deal we made. Now, I’m just screwed. And I’m not asking anyone for help. I’ll just have to wait until February to order art supplies. I already owe out $ 10 of the $ 18, so I’m just DONE! No smoking, no coffee, no embossed envelopes, no pens, no writing tablets, and no postage money after the $ 8 is gone. Guess I’ll be doing a lot of sleeping, and I’ll sell my food trays for envelopes.
Oh, well.
Anyway, I woke up at 6.30 am and took a shower, and went on a visit with "Ohio" from 8 am until 11.30 am. We had fun, and spent the morning laughing. I laid down after lunch, and slept until 4.45 pm. I guess I find all of the stimulation exhausting, since I’m not used to it. Drains me emotionally/mentally.
I didn’t get any mail today, or Monday… but I DID hear from Sweden Med Stu on Tuesday (BOY! DID I EVER!) and she said I need my ass kicked, and if I ever left her wondering whether I was dead or alive again, she’d kick my ass herself. But, most of all, she just misses me… 14 pages worth! (smile) And she had a few choice words for "HER", but they’re all written in Swedish, so I have no idea what they say. I know only one thing, I LOVE being defended by this beautiful, blue-eyed, blond-maned, Swedish goddess! (smile) In fact, even the butt-whooping she threatened offered tantalizing prospects! (HA!) "Yes, Mistress! I’ve been NAUGHTY!"
Ha! You want a good laugh? Could you actually see a 6’1", 220 lb, death row inmate bent over the knee of this little girl? THERE’S a disturbing visual!
The more I think about it, the more I want to lose this weight! And, since I didn’t eat supper, I guess that’s a good start! Nothing but smokes and coffee tonight… and, NO, I don’t use sugar or cream in my coffee. I use artificial sweetener; "Sugar Twin"… and no milk.
I asked to move over to Kenny’s side of the cellblock, and I just heard that an inmate on his range is moving to this side… so, perhaps I’ll be moving over there in the morning. That would be such a relief! I’d get to spend these final days with Kenny before he goes back for a new trial. Boy! No more insane laughter… no more harmonica… no more of that ASSHOLE! I REALLY hope I’m on that "move slip" for tomorrow! I spoke to Greg Morrow, and sent a kite to Ms. Bethea… and Mr Morrow said he’d speak to Ms. Bethea about it. I spoke to him today, on my way back from my visit with "Ohio". If there is ANY justice in this life, I’ll be on that list! I really need this to happen! And, half of my footlocker is already packed, from the 2.4 inspection. Besides, I can get Kenny to mail this stuff out to Karen for me.
Well, I’m going to go draw something. Maybe another pic of Kim Smith. Nah! I’m going to draw something more provocative.
Later!
Duke
Friday Sept. 30th 2005
12.32 pm
No! I DIDN’T write yesterday! I was TOO BUSY moving into the cell (2061) that’s depicted on this website… the one I sketched. Soon as they told me I was moving (at 2.30 pm) I packed my stuff and was in my new cell by 3 pm!!! But, I went to rec at 6 pm till 7.30 pm… So I spent all night setting up my new cell.
Soon as I came up the steps, Kenny said " ‘Bout time, Cumdrop!" I said "I missed you too, Asswipe!". I didn’t even finish getting my stuff in the cell, and he was showing me photos of his son and his granddaughter. I think we’ve already spent 3-4 hours at our doors talking to one another.
I walked into this cell and opened the drawers, so I could clean them before putting my clothes in them, and found a button and a piece of wire I had left in there when I was here 2 years ago. Almost everything was just the way I left it! Even my old prison shoes were still under the bed! It was very strange… like walking into the past. This is the cell I was in 2 years ago when I got the news of my mother’s death, and in Oct. 2003 I went to the hole.
I’ve kinda come full circle, and I think of all that’s happened in these past 2 years. It was in this cell that I got my first letter from "HER". It was this cell where Kenny and I used to talk about exploring the ruins of castles and abbeys, and trekking through the Highlands in kilts… and, now, he’s just steps away from that possibility. (I’ll be happy for him. And sad that he’s not here to keep me company) This is the cell I came to after getting stabbed in a fight with another inmate, and where I took the stitches out… once I got out of the hole in March 2003. This is the cell where I first picked up a paintbrush, and got my first art supply order in August 2003.
I can’t think of a better place to start over. It is in this cell that I’ll change my life once again, and find the hope of happiness, regardless of what the future holds. Being around Kenny is like coming home… and there’s the realization that it’ll never feel like that with "HIM" when we’re around one another. That’s going to be strange, and uncomfortable. To be honest, I hope I never have to BE around him again. But, I DO wonder what it’ll be like once Kenny leaves. I already know I’ll become a loner… but that’s not a bad thing either! For every Kenny, there are 40 guys like "HIM"… so, I think I’ll keep my personal relationships "personal", and my friendships in prison "on the surface".
6.55 pm
Well, I got 3 letters today; "Texas S.P.", "Baston", and my cousin (on my father’s side of my family). My real (biological) father died of cancer on Sept. 22nd, and his sister’s daughter (the only cousin on that side of the family I’m close to) was the only one to think of me. He died 2 years and 2 days after my mother. I never got the chance to ever speak to him. Growing up, I told people he died in Vietnam… it was easier than the truth, back then. (that’s all I’ll say about that)
Yesterday, when I was told that I was moving, I got a letter from "Warrington"; a new penpal in the UK. O, I’m finding my days filled with new people to write to, and I’m in a place to feel like I’m beginning anew. More + more time between THEN and NOW, new people to think about, in a place where I’m comfortably tucked away from the insanity of prison (as in "THE IDIOTS"), and I where I can pick up the contemporary jazz station and be in a calm + peaceful atmosphere during the day. I feel relaxed.
Well, I intend to spend this weekend writing 6 letters, and painting some Christmas and Winter scenes for Karen to make Christmas cards from… and, hopefully finish this box for my son. (I’ve been working on it for a year!)
I have my metal cabinet so that the back of it I pushed up against the table, with the open end and drawers facing the sink + toilet. My footlocker is against the wall between the bed and the bench. This has created a little cubby-hole for my table + bench, and the cabinet shields the table from anyone looking looking through the window on the cell door… so, I have a little sanctuary in which to write and paint. My TV, radio with speaker (smile), and my lamp are all within reach. I’m thinking of putting a collapsible letter/paper holder on the back of the cabinet (hanging over the table) to keep things sorted. That’s what I’ll do when I need "something to do".
But, right now, it’s time for celtic music while I start on these six letters.
Later!
Duke

FOR SALE!

2005-10-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

Art work by Duke. Both paintings are $30 each.

The money will buy more art materials for Duke to continue his art work. Otherwise he will not be able to continue to paint.

He can also draw beautiful portraits from photographs if anyone wishes to have one made contact him on his email address or write to him.

My Life, My Hopes and some Dreams

2005-09-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

Sept 16
Friday 8.54pm
I’m listening to the Kent State radio station. They’re playing Celtic music. They play Celtic music every Friday from 8-9pm, before they play a mix of folk from 9pm to 1AM…….and I’ll probably sit here till 1am listening.
I spent last night writing to my friend here on the row. It seems we both had the same football player, whose season ending knee injury put us both in a fix for the year. At least I had another player available for my fantasy football team of equal calibre.
They are conducting a 2.4 cubic foot inspection on Sept 21st……..in five days………….where all of an inmates property must fit into their 2.4 cubic foot locker box, with exceptions for certain items, like: TV, CD player, headphones, lamps, shoes and hotpots etc. But, all of our clothes, books, CDs, art supplies (except canvas boards and other items too big to fit into it), letters, towels, blankets……..EVERYTHING!
I spent the day tossing out papers and old clothes (socks and underwear etc), and began packing my stuff. When I got done, I still had ¼ of my locker box space!
So, I put the rest of my stuff in there that didn’t have to be in there, such as my lamp, hotpot, and shoes.
I got a letter today from someone who was emailed my “Letter to No One”, and she’s from Texas…….so, now I have “Texas W.R” and Texas S P”!! So, anyway, Texas SP is due to become a grandma next month. She’s a country girl in the same small town she grew up in…….so you know I gotta like that. I asked her if she sang like Allison Krauss, too!! (smile) I figure she’ll laugh once she gets on here and read this. But, she sounds very sweet, and caring. I’m looking forward to her next letter.
Well, the sound on my TV went out………so, I’m watching it with the closed captioning turned on. I guess I’ll look at football this weekend, and listen to the radio. I’m ready to get of EVERYTHING! Keep my cd player/radio and toss the TV. I went 4 years without one……but, I had a radio with speakers THEN!! There’s a short in my headphones, so I’ll have to buy new ones. Geez!! Does it EVER end?!! Well, all things in time………my art work order on November 1st is my only concern right now. Without that, nothing else is possible.
Never did start those paintings, yet! I put all the canvases on the backboards, so I’ll do as many as I can starting tomorrow (17th) until Tuesday (20th), and mail them out to Ohio. By the time ya’ll read this, you should be able to see some of my artwork. Karen should get the portrait of Kim Smith tomorrow or Monday to put on this website. One day, I’ll try my hand at PAINTING portraits. Right now I only draw them.
Well, I have stuff scattered from one end of my bed to the other, and I need to put stuff in folders, and magazine photos in my scrapbook, and set up my painting materials for tomorrow. Then, I’’ hop in the shower and sit on the floor, and let it rain down on me for a while. I find it very relaxing. The water beating down on my head drowns out all other sound, and my thoughts go away.
The only sound is the beating down of the water, and there’s nothing else BUT the sound. It’s meditative. I’ll emerge feeling like a new man. I’ll go to sleep, and wake up ready to paint all day………..and I will.
Until tomorrow…………..
Good night ya’ll!!
Sleep with the Angels.
Monday 19th Sept. 1.57 pm
It seems “tomorrow” has turned into 3 days. I’ve spent all weekend, and 6 hours of today, painting. I’ve done 4 paintings, and I have 2 more to do. I’m really tired……..back hurts, eyes watering, and a headache coming on. Yesterday, I painted for 7 hours, took a nap for 11/2 hours, and then painted for 9 more hours.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to sit on a steel bench or the concrete floor for all of those hours!
I’m waiting for mail before I get into the shower. It’ll be here in the next 30 minutes or so. I think I’ll lie down and close my eyes until them.
8.37PM
Relief guards forgot to bring the mail bag with them. So I jumped in the shower first, then mail was passed out at 3.30pm. I got a “Country” magazine and the emails left on my email address, one from New York, and the other from Massachusetts.
I went to rec at 4.10pm, and they let us stay out till 7.45pm. I tried to call Karen, but Kenny had the line tied up. Tried to call Ohio, but she wasn’t home. I called Ohio again, and she said she got home at 4.45pm, but it was 7.30, when I called back.
She received my trial transcripts and photos from HER, today. So, I had her open them, and look for my photos……they were in there, too. Of course the ones left out of their envelope was all the ones of my ex girlfriends. Ohio read the name on the back, so I knew which envelope was opened. All the envelopes are marked, saying what’s inside….so it wasn’t some big secret………..I just find it funny that SHE left that one opened up for Ohio to find. Seems to me that SHE still doesn’t believe Ohio is just a very good friend. Then again, it COULD HAVE just been a COINCIDENCE!!!!!(SMILE) It’s pretty funny to me…….I mean, why would SHE even care? WHATEVER!!!! (smile)
Ohio’s coming to visit on Wednesday, so I won’t have to be in here for the 2.4 inspection/shakedown. That will be a relief. I HATE to stand there in my underwear with my hands cuffed behind my back, while they tear my cell up. I’ll have it all packed up and ready, and leave out of here for ½ of the day.
My luck, they’ll be late………..I’ll be back for it at noon. Oh, well. No big deal. ……..I’ve been through 100 of them in 16 years…
I’ll call Ohio in the AM, and hangout on the phone all morning, I need some “normal” conversation. One gets tired of prison topics. I turn up my radio to drown everything out. Wish my TV’s sound worked! I’ve been through $4 worth of batteries since Friday. I borrowed the last pack, so I owe $2 to another inmate. I’ll be glad to get these paintings out of here, and sold.
I did one painting titled, “Katrina”…and I really like it. I’ve seen so many pictures of the MESS, Katrina left behind, and I wanted to capture it, (the FEELING) on canvas. I saw a photo of a bulldozer in a pile of what use to be buildings, and I thought it was a toy, until I read the story. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it! It was a photo taken from the air (helicopter?), and I thought someone stood over a toy…….the pile of debris dwarfed the bulldozer, (actually it was a front end loader) and my mind just couldn’t comprehend what I was looking at. So, while, painting, I decided to capture the “feeling” of a hurricane. I’ve been in a Category 2 and 3, and been to areas where tornadoes had torn the roofs off of houses etc……and its amazing the things you see! I built a roof on a house, and the house next door was missing……….but the roof we were replacing was across the street on top of another house. It was bizarre!! It looked like someone picked it up and set it on top of the other roof and was almost a perfect fit!
But, I remember how the wind would blow the raindrops UP the window! And, at some points, you weren’t sure WHAT you where looking at!! Lots of green things (plants) would fly by the window, along with anything else that wasn’t tied down, and it’d be travelling at 80-100 miles per hour!
So, I kind of tied that memory into the painting, too. Most of all, I like the texture of the painting. Every time I look at it, I just HAVE to touch it………..it feels cool.
Well, speaking of painting……time for me to touch up the painting I have “done”, and do the last two.
I saved the 2 floral’s to do last because they’re the easiest to do. I do the hard ones first, and work backwards. (“KATRINA” 3 LANDSCAPES, 2 FLORALS”)
Six in 3 days…………35 hours of painting, thus far……..2 or 3 more hours for the florals ……….not counting the time to MAKE the canvas boards!! Wednesday’s visit will be a relief. I just hope I get done tonight, and I get some sleep before rec tomorrow morning. Until tomorrow…….. (PROMISE”” smile)
G’nite!
Tuesday 20th Sept.
4.23pm
Well I didn’t hang out on the phone ALL morning………just 4 phone call’s, 3 to Ohio (talking about my transcripts and photos and her family), and one to Karen (to see if Kim Smith had a nice flight abroad)
I played cards the rest of the rec period, and won just enough to get me through another weekend with coffee and smokes. I’ll quit playing until NEXT week! (smile)
Well, it took me 3 ½ hours to do the floral paintings, but they look good. I touched up the “Country Church” painting this morning after rec……and I only have a little more to touch up on the other 2 landscapes. My cell looks like an art gallery; 9 paintings and a box (6 sided) painted ultramarine with gold gilding trim. I’ve been working on the box for 6 months…..a little at a time.
I have to finish these paintings, and get them in the post before I go to bed. And, I have to pack the rest of my stuff in my 2.4 locker box for the inspection, and have it all ready, so I can go on my visit and avoid the hassle.
Boy!! I got a LOT of mail today!! Ohio, Italy, England and Karen (Scotland). Ohio sent me more pages from this site, and the photos I sent out of Jeffrey for her to scan. The other 3 were letters.
Italy turns out to be French, and belongs to another in Polunsky (Texas Death Row) …..And was just sending a moral support note. If you’ve been paying ANY attention to me, I won’t continue to write to her. I’ll find my OWN pen pal’s, and my OWN girl!! I’m not a BOTTOM FEEDER, or a scavenger…………I’m a MAN!!
England is a friend of Karen’s. I’ll refer to her as Southend, as I need to keep the UK in perspective.
I sent all of my laundry to be washed the past 2 days. “Whites” on Mondays, “Darks” on Tuesdays…….so it will all be clean and put into my locker box.
When I talked to Karen, she had been typing my latest 21 pages onto the site. (HA!) I told her that I’ve been looking everywhere for the Sept 12th and 13th pages, and to let me know if it shows up, because I didn’t know if I posted them or not. I THINK I did………..but, it’s all a blur!!(smile)
(KARENS NOTE!! YOU POSTED IT AND MY EYES ARE A BLUR OF YELLOW PAGES HERE. (smile)
Well, time to get busy, and get everything done. I doubt I’ll be back tonight…………I have letters to write, if I DO have time to write tonight, So, until next time………
Take care.
ANOTHER KAREN NOTE!! PLEASE TAKE SYMPATHY ON ME PEOPLE, WRITE DUKE LOTS OF LETTERS!!!! HAHA.
Wednesday 11.58pm
Sept 21st
Well, Ohio showed up, and waited 45 minutes for me to get out there. While I was sitting in the guard’s station, waiting to be escorted to my visit, a group of guards, (all sergeants) came in for the 2.4 inspection. My cell was ready, and they only took the stack of lids (to tobacco cans) that I used for pallets. No big deal. My escort was busy running a general population inmate (who works for death row staff in the hallway) to the hole for stealing the guard’s candy bars. (smile) Prison can be entertaining at times!!Ha!!
Anyway, I finally got out there at 8.55am, and stayed till 11.30am. I had fun…………..and we talked about a lot of stuff. And, she’ll be back next week to see me again.
Soon as I got back, I put my cell back together.
I still have to sort some papers, by my “house” is clean and organized, and I feel pretty good today.
I mailed out 7 of the 9 paintings last night, and kept 2 of them, because I want to add some details and change some things on one of them.
I’m doing one for another inmate, too……….it’s 18”x24”, and it’s his canvas board, but I DID get a bunch of paints I needed (as partial payment)!! I have YELLOW!! Woo-hoo!! NOW all I need to do is paint all of HIS paintings until November, and live on THAT until I get my next art order at the end of November! He has 3-18”x24” canvas boards he wants me to do. I’m only getting $35 a piece for them (1/ 3 of what they’re WORTH!), and I’m not signing them because he wants people to think he can paint……..but I have no canvas to paint of my own, and no money, so I’ll do what I HAVE TO DO until I can paint for myself! (YES KAREN, I STUCK A RED CATRIDGE IN MY PEN……IT’S ALL I’VE GOT LEFT TO WRITE WITH! It’ll turn red once this black ink is gone)
I don’t care if the guy needs to lie about painting, or plagiarizes my work…..so long as I can live by painting, I will!! I’d rather paint for someone than gamble at cards.
Right now, I’m doing a mountain with a lake in front of it. I did 1/3 of it already, and it only took 90 minutes, but that was the easy part. He can’t pay me until the 30th, so I can take my time. Good thing I won enough for tobacco and coffee until then! (smile) I just hope the guy has $35 each week, beginning on the 30th, because I can only do one every week, so long as he can pay! Normally, I’d NEVER do this kind of work so cheap! But, I don’t have much of a choice right now.
Well, it’s late…..And I’ve been up since 6.30am!!!
I seed some sleep before AM REC!!
‘Nite Ya’ll
Thursday 10.47am
Sept 22nd
I just came back from rec. I talked to Ohio and then the phone went dead. I didn’t get a chance to talk to Karen. I hate when they shut our phones down!
I’ve got my last two batteries in the cd player/radio, and I can’t get anymore until the 30th, so I’m sitting in silence, ‘cept for the sound of my fan on low. I’ll probably paint all day, and maybe watch TV with the closed captioning on. Man, what a life!
This is the first time I’ve had an opening on my visiting list since I’ve been in prison. Usually, I have 2 or 3 people wanting on my visit list. I can only have 2 “friends” (non relatives) on my visiting list, so I used to change it twice a year, so I could see people. Now, the “relatives” on my list has dwindled to only 4 people that ever visit………none of whom I’ve seen since Oct 2003.
I dread being given a life sentence. In 10 years I’d be completely alone. Do I really want to live that badly? Do I want to grow old in prison, and live this life? Should I cling to hope against hope, and be brave, and endure a life of hell for a false hope of ever being free? Do I find someone to live FOR, like I did HER? How long can I remain “human” without someone to love above all others?
How long can I endure without someone’s love for me?
Execution dates have become less of a threat, and more of a promise.
Life is short. As we grow older, we say, “If only I knew, what I know now, back then!” We waste so much of our lives “wishing” instead of “doing”. I could live my life out in prison………..I just don’t want to do it alone. I don’t want someone just seeking a thrill, or someone seeking public attention for having a condemned man! I want someone who thinks and believes I’m worth their love! I want someone who likes how I think, and cares about how I feel, and is interested in who I am as a person.
I’m in a strange predicament. I KNOW that I’m what women want as far as my personality, emotional availability, and intuitive, caring nature goes! But, I’m a death row inmate…………and that’s pretty much a “deal breaker”! (smile)
My ideal woman is probably a woman who chose a career over family, and doesn’t have time to get out and meet people. She loves her work, but is lonely, and needs to have someone to think about and love. But, what professional woman in her right mind would seek an inmate for a relationship?
What do I WANT from a relationship? I want to be able to talk to her on the phone, write letters that keep an ongoing conversation, get visits at least 6-10 times a year, and to have honesty, trust, love, sharing of the most intimate thoughts,(not just sex but our fears, our dreams, our hopes etc) and to feel each other in each beat of our heart. I want a “home” for my heart and mind. I want someone to talk to in my mind as I go about my day…..you know like when you do something stupid and you think of how that person would laugh at you.
I just can’t believe I’m THIS ALONE! I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in prison feeling this way. Sometimes, I wish I had been executed while I was still “IN LOVE” with “HER”……..just so I wouldn’t have to die feeling like I don’t belong anywhere.
11.50pm
I did the details in the 1/3 of the painting I had done, and added 3 more “layers” to the painting, creating distance between the viewer and the mountains in the background. I’m about ½ done with it, now. I can’t believe I’m doing this for $35 ($9 of it in paints)!! It’ll be worth about $200 when I’m done with it. It’s really gorgeous. Looks like Colorado, or Washington………..snow capped mountains against a blue/purple sky, with a large lake in front of the mountains, and layer after layer of pines crating distance. And, I can’t even sign it, or take a photo of it to add to my catalog of my art. **SIGH**
I got a letter from my daughter today. I love getting her letters. She needs brakes for her car, and she’s behind on bills. She and he beau are struggling from pay check to pay check. I really hate not being there for her. She can’t even look up this website… no computer. And, though I feel bad for her, I know she’ll look back on this part of her life and remember it fondly. Right now, she’s living on love, and probably doesn’t even know that this is the best time of her life. It’s in the quest of our dreams, trying to accomplish something, we remember even more fondly than actually HAVING accomplished them. But, I DO wish I could pay to have her brakes fixed, and buy her a computer. I want her to be safe, and I’d like for her to be able to read this stuff, and see who her father is.
Anyway, I’ll answer her letter over the weekend, and hope Rita isn’t dumping too much rain there.
I sat in absolute silence today, and painted. I just turned my radio (CD player) on, to have a little background music while I write. I’m trying to save my batteries for Sunday. Once they die, I’ll be in silence until the 30th.
I didn’t even watch “The O.C.” tonight. It’s not the same without voices!! Who knows, maybe I’ll learn to read lips.
“Greys Anatomy” comes on on Sunday………I’ll probably TRY to watch it. If not, I’ll listen to Country Classics, if my batteries last. I have $2.58 left in my account until October 14th when I get my prison pay. ($18)
I sure hope I can get the other $24 owed to me for this painting on the 30th!! I’m going to need it.
Well. I’m off to bed. Got a lot of painting to do tomorrow!
Later!!
Duke

"HER", The good doctor and my medical problem:)

2005-09-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

Monday 12 September 2005
4.22pm
No mail today…..just a note from “HER” concerning my transcripts and photos.
Went to rec this morning and talked to “Scotland”, who said I may as well call her “Karen”, since everyone knows Scotland is her. So……I will.
The title of the painting on my website is “A Life’s Worth of……” and I hope ya’ll can see and feel me in it. Yes, there’s a lot of pain in it…but, there’s hope (that we cling to)…..and I believe we are all fragile inside. I believe it’s important to allow the world to see ALL that we are inside, without all the pretenses we hide ourselves behind.
On 3rd June, 2005, “She” came to visit me. I knew “she” was leaving me, THEN!! But, I never mentioned it.
We talked, and I made her feel as loved as best as I knew how. I HAD to!! I needed her to feel ALL of my love, just one last time. She wrote me after that visit and told me how much she realized that she loved me and needed me. It was the best letter she had ever written to me………..and I knew she “FELT” my heart.
While she was writing that letter, and having a great weekend, I wrote 2 letters…….then a 3rd on the 9th. In those letters I told her I knew about “HIM” and how it was killing me. (I had felt it since March or April, and by May I KNEW she was falling for him. (He was tugging at her heartstrings, and the sexual/emotional stuff started in their writings)
Anyway, I wrote out every tell tale sign for her in those letters, and let her know how hurt I was. I had to get it out….it was twisting up my mind and heart, and I felt I was going to just die of heartache. I told her I loved her, but I hated her for “doing this to me.”
Well, on the 9th, I wrote a 3rd letter, saying she and I should just mutually walk away from this. I told her, “I know you’re leaving, and YOU know it TOO”!! I said, “I’ll pretend a little longer if you need me to, but you’re really hurting me.”
I never sent the letters……….but, I kept them. I wrote in the first letter, “In the days, weeks months to come I will send you this, just so you’ll know I KNEW”.
When she finally got up the nerve to tell me, (August 1st) it STILL hurt me WAY more that I expected, And, I guess I just wanted her to tell the truth…..but, she chose to justify it by blaming me. So, I sent her the letters, and I never expected to hear from her again. I knew her WAY more than she expected………and I just couldn’t let her dump it all in my lap. She got what she wanted, and I’d be dammed if she’d use me for an excuse!! I had been hurting for 3 months, and I tried to make it easy for her, and she tried to blame me. I know “SHE” doesn’t even believe her excuse, so why should I? Just because “HE’S” gullible enough to believe it, doesn’t mean I AM”. She used the same excuse for leaving the guy she said she was in love with when “I” met her, that she used to leave me to be with “HIM”!
But, it’s all said and done. I just want my legal work and photo’s back and to leave them to their treachery.
They deserve each other. And I’ll find my way back from it all.
I have some friends, my daughter and son, (even if he does hate to write), my artwork, and my writing. If I find that one special girl to put above all others, I will………and if not, I’ll just have to be content with the way my life is.
7pm
I just had the porter (inmate working in the pod) call “OHIO” for me, and ask “OHIO” to call “HER”, and have my transcripts and photos sent to “OHIO”…….for the time being. I know “OHIO” would want to read the “trial” portion, and see first hand who I am. Then, I’ll have them sent to my daughter………..so, she can see who I was. All the testimony from my family and friends about me growing up, etc, etc……..it’s an insight to how I grew up.
Well, in any case, I hope she’ll take care of it like her letter said.
Before calling Karen, I talked to “Ohio” for about 45 minutes, and then called her again after talking to Karen. I’m trying to get pictures of my paintings and drawings on here for everyone to see. None of them are like the one on the front page of this website………..they are landscapes and floral paintings. But “SHE” has all my best ones. My daughter has some really good drawings of mine. I don’t know who has the one I did of my ex-wife, but it was a good one, too.
Well, I need to write to “OHIO”, and send her a list of stuff that she asked me to send, so all I need done GETS done. If I have time, I’ll write more……..if not, I’ll see ya’ll in the morning.
Tuesday 13 Sept.
9.58am
Good Morning!!
I just came back from seeing the doctor. I feel fine, but it seems I have very high cholesterol. Its 178……and it should be 130. And, the fact that I’m still smoking puts me at a great risk for a hear t attack! And, with all the luck I’VE had lately, you’d think I’d already HAD one.
So, it’s back to working out and running…….and I’ve asked to be put on a diet, so that’ll help. I NEED to buy tuna, mackerel, and salmon from the commissary, and get on a REAL diet……..but, I can’t afford the $60 a month it’d cost!! I know I can’t do the veggie thing again. Last time, I went down to 165lbs and couldn’t gain muscle mass……..ended up in a fight with a 6’ 3, 240lb inmate, which put me in the infirmary for 3 days with a severe concussion, and a pinched nerve in my neck that never healed. I am on medication that keeps my brain from receiving the pain signal from the damaged nerves in my neck, which runs all the way to the thumb and index finger of my right hand.
Geez!! I really need to get back on my feet, and find a way to take care of myself. I know I can’t go on eating the regular prison food………it’s going to kill me before the state gets their chance! (Or is that WHY they’re poisoning my body with their food?)
It’s the ability to make fun of ourselves that puts people at ease with who you are………….and on that note, I asked if they checked for S.T.D.’s (sexually transmitted diseases) when they do blood work. She said, “H.I.V., hepatitis etc”, and I asked about herpes. She asked if there was a particular reason I was asking.
So I explained that I use to get blisters in the same spot………like an “open sore”………but that I hadn’t had it in a long time. I had to explain that it might have been just a “rub burn”, and it doesn’t occur anymore. *IS THIS AN UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION OR WHAT?)
So, I had to explain that it quit occurring because my method of “rubbing it, (SOMEBODY JUST SHOOT ME NOW!) Is different, and I don’t have that problem anymore. However, I have a mole that has turned black right where this use to occur. She says, “Well, I’m going to have to “SEE IT!!”
So, here I am, in a room with this pretty Asian doctor, and a female nurse……..all by myself. The guard looks in every few minutes to make sure everything is okay.
Well, the guards’ station is very quiet, and despite the pretense of a closed door, (pretending confidentiality) the guards can hear every word. And he DID hear THIS conversation!
It gets quiet while I’m exposing myself to the nurse and doctor. I’m standing there with my penis in my hand and the doctor is bent over looking at the “mole” about a foot away from it. The guard looks in, and sees the doctor and me standing there like this, and walks away, like, “I don’t even want to know!”
(*SIGH* ………EVER GET THAT FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM?!!”)
Well, it turns out to be a wart, and was probably caused from “friction burns” (RUB BURNS), and it is NOT cancer or herpes. (Thank God!). That’s the GOOD news!!
The bad news? A nurse has to put an acid formula on it 3 times a week to burn it off!
(Excuse me? Did you say “Burn” my penis? What? A nurse at my cell door, 2 guards in tow, is going to burn my penis 3 times a week? IS ANYONE ELSE MORTIFIED?!!
So, these nice nurses who bring my medication for my pinched nerve, whom I have pleasant “Good Morning…Thank You”, conversations with, are now going to have to apply wart removal to my penis!! I surely hope these “applications” take place at noon, and not at 7AM!!!!I don’t want to wake up from a dream and say, “Could you please give me a couple of minutes?” (Sheesh!! I just KNOW I’m going to the hole!!)
So, that’s MY morning!! How’s yours been?
Did you spend your morning reading this, and laughing at me? Want another laugh? This website is being printed off and sent to inmates here on the row! Friends and enemies alike are laughing right along with you!! More? Okay…….how about the though of my kids being mortified, right now? (Sorry babes……….your father is actually a real human; a “person” like any other!)
I do want to say something here, joking aside about Dr Lee. She is thorough, and a very competent doctor. She is the first doctor, in my 16 years on the row, to have my vital signs taken at every visit, and follows up on everything.
I heard a nurse gossiping about Dr Lee, and how she touches inmates when examining them. The nurse said, “She just doesn’t realize where she is!”
Dr Lee IS a very pretty, exotic looking woman. And, yes, there are inmates who like and want the attention, and there probably are some people (inmates) who may actually be dangerous. However, Dr Lee is the FIRST and ONLY doctor, since Dr, Jaun retired, that treats us as PEOPLE.
It hurt to hear the nurse say that, but (as an inmate) I have to keep my opinion to myself. The nurse IS a nice woman, and always pleasant and kind………and, I never would’ve expected to hear such a judgemental comment from her.
I have a lot of respect for Dr Lee……….and I appreciate her professional attitude, and her personable nature. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I could’ve revealed the nature of my “problem” (Ha! Worry-wart!!) To the previous doctor’s, who made me feel like a piece of human crap! The last permanent doctor’s lack of caring, led to his dismissal, when an inmate died of an infection. That won’t happen with Dr Lee.
I’ve grown up around the medical profession. My grandmother ran a home for the elderly, and my mother, aunt, and everyone else, including me, helped run it on a daily basis. My sister was born with spina bifida, and was paralyzed from the waist down. She spent A LOT of time in hospitals for operation after operation.
My ex wife was in nursing school when I met her, and later worked with terminally ill kids. I use to take my kids there to play with them, and take a teenager named Donny fishing when he was doing good medically. So, I KNOW what a good doctor is, and Dr Lee is a godsend to this institution!!
Well, I have to finish picking up my mess from last night, and get some painting done. I know “Ohio” has sent me some photos for portraits, so I need to paint until mail gets here…..then I’ll do these portraits.
Sept 14th (10.22pm)
I got a ton of mail yesterday………a letter from “BASTON”, and a bunch of envelopes from “Ohio”, all the pages from this website, and the photo for the portrait. I spent last night doing the portrait, and writing “BASTON”.
Got my first “treatment” this morning. (smile) The nurse said, “Here, I’ll be back for it”, and handed me the solution!! (Ha!) No………it didn’t hurt.
I spent my day sleeping!! I went to bed at 1.30am and woke up at 4.30am with fluid in my lungs. Felt like I was drowning. Really need to quit smoking!
The rest of thee day I spent finishing “BASTON’S” letter, and even painted a little flower and bee at the bottom of the last page. Then, I re read all the pages from this website, and correcting things in it. (PROOF READING/EDITING)
I only have the ones up to Sept 4th. Some of the typos are my fault…and some Karen’s. My handwriting can be really bad when I’m writing too fast, and I often write USED to instead of USE TO, and put Z’s and S’s in place of one another, like realised and realized. But, I think you get the gist of what I’m saying.
Soon, probably this weekend, there will be the 21 pages I wrote from the 5th to the 11th on here, and the portrait of Kim Smith. (Boy! If that portrait could TALK!) (Smile)
I didn’t get any mail today, but I still have my hands full with yesterday’s mail anyway.
Well, I’m off to the shower, and then to bed, I need more sleep. But, before I go, I thought of a couple of jokes about warts! You know the “old wives” tale that you can get warts from playing with toads? (smile) Ha! Have you ever heard of licking tree frogs to get high? “I said LICK the frog, Stupid!! **GRIN**
I sure miss my friend that died last year. He would’ve LOVED that joke. We would’ve wrote back and forth with a new joke about the same subject for a long time………thinking of new ones between letters, like, “I’ve heard of horny-toads, but GEEZ!” I once wrote that it looked like I had a parasite on there, and they asked, “Hey baby, you want to suck my tick?” And she wrote back and said, “Quit BUGGING me!” (smile)
Oh, nurse………….I need my mediCAAATION!!! (Yeah, I need professional help!)
‘Night, ya’’ll
Duke.

Kim Smith, Swedish Med Student and more

2005-09-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

9.11am
G’mornin’!!
Didn’t get to bed until 3.30am, but since the guys downstairs aren’t out for rec, (BECAUSE THEY LOCK DOWN THE PRISON FOR FOG), I wanted to be up for the peace and quiet. (They all went back to bed)
I didn’t get any mail yesterday. Today is the last day before the weekend. If I don’t get any mail to answer over the weekend, I’ll spend it painting…….if I can figure out WHAT to paint, with the colors I have left.
Hopefully, “Scotland” will get the three envelopes (that went out on the 6th) by tomorrow………..but, she’ll probably get them Monday or Tuesday. The drawing of my old cell (NEXT DOOR TO KENNY’S) and the diagram (floor plan) of the kind of cells we, (Kenny and me) are in now is in those letters. And, hopefully, “Ohio” has sent her a scan/photo of the, “A Life’s Worth Of…….” painting to Scotland to put up on this website. I hope those of you reading this can see all the pain and redemption in it. Even pain can be beautiful……..at least it lets you know you’re still alive. And, with life, there is always hope. It may be buried under tons of pain and heartache and despair……but, there’s always hope.
Well, Kim Smith is waiting to watch me undress, and take a shower, so I’ll oblige her. ***********SMILE************
(I REALLY NEED TO GET HER OUT OF HERE!! HA!)
Kim made me feel self conscious as I got out of the shower. Maybe I’ll keep her around until I lose this 20lbs I need to get rid of! But, I’ll have to explain to her how “shrinkage” occurs when I’m wet and standing under the cold air conditioning! (HONEST!!!)
Think she’ll buy it? She might believe it the first 2 or 3 times…………..but, then what? Ha!
I need a REAL LIFE!!!! I sure hope I get some mail today! I’m losing my friggin’ mind!! I need some people to write to, soon!!
Alright! I’m going to close my eyes until lunch gets here. I may, or may not eat it………..I’m hoping for a piece of meat of some kind to eat by itself. Other wise, I’ll eat veggies and/or fruit, and leave it alone. I don’t eat bread or any kind of carbs, except what is in fruit or veggies. No potatoes, bread, pasta or anything with a lot of starch in it.
12.39pm
Didn’t get much time! We had fish and coleslaw….but I didn’t eat the bread or potatoes. I have 2 oranges and 2 apples for later.
I’m going to get these pounds off of me………..and feel good about myself again.
3.11pm I have rec at 4pm……..hope “Ohio” and Scotland are there to talk to.
I got lots of mail today! One from a friend here on the row, and 2 envelopes from Sweden (a young lady I began writing when she was just 16…she’s now 24 years old, and a “MED STUDENT” in Copenhagen.) and the envelopes are full of letters spanning from Feb 05 to Sept 4th 05. She BLOG’s to me, just as I BLOG on here. (Another reason why I like “Greg’s Anatomy”………….because “Sweden: Med Student” is what my ex once was…….except Sweden Med Student will be a DOCTOR!!)
She and I have talked on a deep level, and when she grew up (she was already very mature) she had to find herself, and what she wanted out of life. She’s not a giggly type of girl………not even in high school………….and she’s the intelligent kind of young lady that you’d expect to be a doctor. And, it feels good to be loved by her…………….not as in “romance”, but for who I am, and because it’s her nature to “help” in crisis, and I was her first patient: a death row inmate in need of a little sunshine. Well, she’s A LOT of sunshine, and I’ll rekindle our relationship, because we BOTH need that right now.
Time for rec………….I’ll continue this subject when I get back.
5.54PM
I just came back from rec, and ate supper. I talked to “Ohio” most of the time, and talked to Scotland for one phone call (15 mins). I’ll talk to them again in the morning.
I need Ohio to take care of some stuff for me, so I’ll be in her ear for while. (HA!)
Okay…….back to Sweden Med Student.
I want to put a portion of her letter on here, and show everyone how beautiful she is.
August 26th. I haven’t given the Hippocratic Oath yet, but I really did many years ago. To me, helping people is a state of life……….I may not always be a sweet girl and do Florence Nightingale stuff, but I excel in crisis and where strength is needed.
Between us its friendship too. But one of the main reasons for writing to an inmate in the first place was to help some person in this world to have a decent life in a way I knew how.
Sept 3rd
When I went through my own stuff, I found your letter………and now I have them beside my bed. I re read a couple before sleep. They make me feel good. I guess it’s because I use to make YOU feel good, and that makes ME feel good today. I know I made an impact on your life, and I hope I still do.
Sweden Med Student.
I wish she and I could meet, or at least talk on the phone. All these years later, she still talks to me in her mind, and sends a bunch of letters every 6 months or so. I’m glad to know I have had an impact on HER life!! It’s been a privilege to watch this beautiful young lady blossom into the person she is. And, I’m very proud of what she’s doing, and who she is. And, it’s amazing to be counted as one of her friends. I mean, stop and look at who I am (in the world’s eye), and contemplate why this beautiful, intelligent young lady still cares so much about me!! The world would be so quick to judge her as “unbalanced”, or something….and would never stop to consider WHO I AM first!! She’s kind of a testament for my character and personality……..and I only say this to show people who SHE IS!! I have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain, from what the world thinks of me. I’ll continue to make good ripples in the pond of life, and leave as much love in my wake as possible……….and, if I find some of it passed back to me before I die, I’ll embrace it, and be blessed by it.
“Duke”
Saturday 11.45PM
September 10th 2005
I spent the day writing to “Sweden Med Student”, preparing 3 more canvas boards with the last of the 12” x 16” canvases that I cut in half to make 8” x 12” pieces. When they’re done, they will be 71/2” x 91/2” paintings mounted on 11” x 14” backboards, with 11” x 14” mat frames around the paintings. I started another portrait, cleaned my cell, and wrote out a new exercise schedule. I also did a little painting, at the end of “Sweden Med Student’s” letter of a flower and a butterfly
Scotland was on the phone with the “Highbalp” (KENNY KING OF THE GULLY DWARVES), so I left them alone…………..and Ohio didn’t answer, so I played cards with 3 other inmates.
Just before I started writing this, I put on my headphones and turned on the Kent State University station…..they play “folk” music on the weekends. That includes jazz, blues, Celtic, blue grass, etc…………..in acoustical form. When I first put them on, Norah Jones was on, and It just made me really sad. I turned “HER” onto Norah Jones, and she bought me 2 c.ds of Norah Jones. It reminded me of her, and I got a letter talking about “HIM” always being on the phone with “HER”, and I felt that “tightening of the chest”, and that “ache”. I’m just really hurt, and I just want to be a year into the future to be “over it”. I already knew I’d feel like this if I ever heard Norah Jones……..that’s why I sent all the c.d ‘s she bought me back to her, along with all of her photo’s, letters, cards and lock of hair that I wore on my necklace. I told her I’d send EVERYTHING back, and she said I was just being spiteful. I wasn’t. I just knew I’d think of her if I had to look at anything she ever bought me. So she wouldn’t think that, I just sold it all (clothes, shoes, blanket, towels, etc) to other inmates, and gave the rest of it away to the guys who don’t have anything. I traded it for smokes, coffee, stamps etc……not actually “sold”.
I just want the hurt to go away.
The only things I kept were the c.d player/radio and the book by Dr Wayne Dyer. I kept the book because I gave her my original copy. I kept the c.d player/radio only until I can buy a new one………then I’ll just toss this one in the trash.
It’s the principle of it all!! I accepted it all as “love”……….and, since she took her love and gave it to “HIM”, she might as well have taken the “STUFF”………….because, that’s all it is. If he and I had been in the same cell block, I’d have dropped it all off in his cell!! Then again, it’s probably a VERY good thing we WEREN’T in the same block!! Everyone in the rec cage with me on August 1st all got real quiet, and wouldn’t look at me, and kept looking over their shoulders as I paced the length of the cage, seething. I can’t blame them……….this is prison and “you never know.” But, I’m not like that. I’d never misdirect my anger. I was on an adrenaline high for a few days and didn’t even sleep the nights of the 1st or 2nd. I literally felt like I was vibrating. It took the death of my son to turn it all to grief when I found out on the 17th or was it the 18th?
Shit!! Now I’m depressed. I’m going to bed.
Duke
Sunday 11.25am
Sept 11th 05
Fourth anniversary of 9/11……..I was in the rec. cage with “HIM”, when the first plane hit. I was back in my cell when the 2nd one hit. I watched the buildings collapse.
I looked out into the sky where I could always see planes, or at least the exhaust trail of planes left behind. It was a day just like today, with clear blue skies. The only evidence I would see of planes was a big semi circle jet trail.
Most likely of a plane called back to the airport.
I seen people leaping from the buildings…….people leaping to their deaths. After the line of coverage, they cut the people falling and jumping from the buildings. When the buildings came down, I saw massive crowds running through the streets. It was surreal……….like an old Godzilla movie………..but, it WAS real. It was strange.
The plane that went down in Pennsylvania had flown right over my hometown, and crashed only 100 miles or so from there. Those people in that plane saved lives, by sacrificing their own. It too them too long though. They should’ve acted immediately, when it first happened. But, the average American just isn’t in the mindset to fight at the drop of a hat. They are complacent and blissfully ignorant in their lives of over indulgence. But, they snap out of it, eventually. In this case, it was by cell phone. That they had learned of the Twin Towers, and to the Pentagon, and knew their fate.
I am, both proud and ashamed: Proud of what they did…………….and, ashamed that we DO live in blissful ignorance.
It is capitalism that we live our lives for. We are the richest country in the world. But, our foreign policies keep making us rich, while the average foreign citizen lives in poverty. What the Average American considers to be poverty in THIS country would be a windfall for the average foreign citizen.
It is exactly THIS REASON that I am ashamed of my extra 20lbs!! Don’t people in this country have a conscience? I know how unfair it is to say that, but the majority of society really is too selfish. Why does it take a hurricane, a terrorism attack, or a Tsunami to make people want to help? There are kids in Africa dying everyday of starvation. Yes, I am ashamed of my country.
8.34pm
I’m in my cell, listening to the country station, waiting for “Classics” to come on.
Scotland told me Ohio sent the “A life’s worth of….” painting, and it’ll be up on the front page of the site, thanks to a friend here in the states. I can’t remember if she said Wisconsin or Minnesota………..I just know my thoughts went up that way when she told me. I’ll have to wait before I refer to her as a “STATE”.
I’ve addressed “Sweden Med Student’s” envelope, and have it ready to go out, along with my friend’s letter (here on the row).
I have to get this instalment ready to go out to Scotland. I think I’ll just put it all in a legal envelope, and send this drawing of Kim Smith with it. (I’m gonna miss her)
I wish I could find more of these oil painting paper pads.
I love to do drawings on them, because of the canvas texture.
But, this pad was sent to me in place of an “actual canvas” pad in one of my art orders, and they’re not listed in their catalogs. It’s made by Daler Rowney in Brocknell, England. Maybe someone in England will see this and send me 2 or 3 sheets of it at a time.
It’s Daler Rowney “Georgian” oil painting paper 9 x 12 inches, and comes in a 10 sheet pad……or maybe it was a 12 sheet pad.
It’s thick and textured paper…….very rich paper.
Geez!!! Whoever is running the “Country Classics” tonight is playing mostly honky-tonk dancing type of music. I want some soft, love ballads, or some country blues…….not all this hillbilly rock. This is like six songs in a row!!! I want to relax, not be annoyed.
Well, I’ll just end this, and get it in the mail. its 21 pages long…………………"Scotland’s” going to tire of me real quick.

‘nite ya’ll

My Mother..........My daughter

2005-09-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

Sept 9th
1.16am
I haven’t gone to bed yet. I watched “The O.C” and then the football game.
I was thinking about my mother, and part of my daughter’s letter, and thought I’d like to share it with you, but I need to fill you in on some things first. The letter was written on January 5th, 2004………….31/2 months after my mom died. My kids called her, “Mam-Moo” (which I always made fun of Mam, and called her “Shamoo” after the famous killer whale (Orca)…………but, I called MY grandmother “mam-mam”, so it’s kind of a tradition. And “angel” is my sister that died earlier this year. Anyway, I wrote her a letter and said she needed to write to me more often, and she had found this old letter just days before, (while moving).
She said she didn’t send it, because she was afraid it would only make me unhappy. (of course I wrote and told her I want the GOOD AND BAD, not selective info.) And, with that said, here’s part of her letter.
“I think of Mam Moo a lot. It’s hard to think of her not being there anymore. I really felt it on Christmas. Angel called to tell us “Merry Christmas”, and I told her that Mam Moo always called to wish us “Merry Christmas”.
When I was growing up, I spent so much time with her. I know it’s not right to think, but I don’t think she meant MORE to ANYONE ELSE, except you, and I know it has to be hard for you. But, she meant SO MUCH to us too, and especially ME. I miss her a lot. She always made it seem that she loved me and Brian so much, and I just wanted to tell you that we loved her just as much. She loved you so much, Dad. She told me one time, when I was a kid that life was so hard to live without you. And every time we saw her, she made sure to tell us not to go on living without checking on you. She always said that we needed to write more!
My mother was the only constant in my life, all the way until the day she died. No more than a month after she died, I ended up in the hole, for “threatening” an inmate.
(The truth is that I told the guards that I’D be forced to, “take care of it”, if THEY DIDN’T defuse the problem……and I went to the hole for “threatening” to defend myself!)
Anyway, while I was in the hole, I was given my legal work. In my legal work, I found the envelope my mother’s last letter came in. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I looked inside of the envelope KNOWING it was empty. (the prison opens our mail with an electric opener, and this letter had been cut on the bottom, instead of the top.)
When I looked inside, there was writing on the flap, which she had just written before licking and closing the letter. So, there I am in the hole for 15 days, feeling the whole world hated me, and being there because another ignorant, dumb ass inmate didn’t know any better to leave me alone………and I find written in red ink, “I love you”. My eyes filled with tears, and I finally grieved for my mother. Once again, when I needed her most, she showed up.
Well, after all that’s happened to me last month…………she shows up, AGAIN, in a letter written over 20 months ago by my daughter.
This is what I mean about “good ripples”, and how “love” continues, even after you leave this world. It IS IMPORTANT to leave behind as much love as you’re capable of………because someone’s always going to need it………..even after you’ve gone.
‘Night!!

More thoughts

2005-09-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

Sept 6th 2005
11.55am
First of all, I want to say “Happy Birthday” to my ex-wife. I know it’ll be a sad one…but, I’m thinking of you. I hope today brings a few smiles, lots of love, and a little peace.
If you want an old friend to talk to please write. Besides the kids, you know I care about how you’re doing, and what you’re feeling. You’re not alone…….I’m right here.
Secondly, I called, “HER” to ask for my transcripts to be sent to my daughter. “SHE” wouldn’t accept my call. I’ve asked her in letters, I’ve had people call and ask her, I had a message sent to “HIM” for “HIM” to ask her. I offered to pay the postage. So, I came back from rec this morning and wrote her a letter and asked her again……..I’ll send it out tonight.
My appeals DEPEND on those transcripts!! I trusted her with my “LIFE”!! And, now, she won’t give me my transcripts back. I have to question If she EVER loved me!!
She’s actually willing to keep my transcripts, and (potentially) get me killed!!
She hates me THAT much? She GOT what she WANTED!!
Why won’t she send my transcripts and my photo’s (16 years worth of photos of my family and friends and old family photos) to my kids? Why won’t she let me get out of her life? I just want to move on!! And forget I ever knew “HER” OR “HIM”!!
You would THINK she’d WANT me out of her life!!
I guess she hasn’t hurt me enough yet!!
I wonder how “HE” feels about her still hanging on to my stuff, and keeping me in her life, instead of letting me go, and HER getting on with THEIR relationship.
Well, if I don’t hear from her by the 14th, I’ll file a complaint, get an order from the court, and send the police to her house with a search warrant; since I’ll have an affidavit notarized saying she was given my transcripts here at the prison as proof.
Sheesh…….always gotta be about the “drama”!!
Well, I’ll give her what she’s asking for. I’ll do whatever I HAVE to do to get my transcripts from her. *********SIGH**********
Mail will come in two hours….I sure hope I get some!! I need something else to think about. I guess I’ll take a nap till then…………didn’t get much sleep last night.
Four hours just isn’t enough. I’ll turn the fan up high, and leave the radio (on my TV) on to drown the noise.
11.58pm
No mail, except a letter I asked “OHIO” to type up for me, and three more postage receipts.
I’ve spent my afternoon drawing a portrait of Kim Smith, a model. I think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world. I hope “Scotland’s” scanner can handle 9”x12”, so she can show it to you all. Drawing is very intimate: it’s almost the same thing as tracing someone’s face with your fingers…..very sensual. I fall in love with every face I draw…..it becomes burnt into my mind. You HAVE to see every detail, and then you reproduce it, and it’s like touching everything that MAKES them “THEM”!! And, once it’s done, it truly depicts the person; it’s kind of like saying “see!! I KNOW YOU”!!
Well, I’m off to bed. I’m bored.
‘night!
September 7th, 2005
12.42pm
Kim Smith’s staring at me. I didn’t realise I did her eyes where they follow you no matter where you are in the room. Kind of nice having a beautiful girl so interested in everything I do! (HA!) She’s here on my desk, in front of the 3 paintings (stacked behind her portrait)
Allison Krauss has been on the radio all morning. They’re doing a “spotlight” on her today…….. I really needed this, this morning. They play one of her songs after 2 or 3 songs by other artists. So, I’ll hear 3 or 4 more songs before this program ends at 2pm.
Ha!! If a girl this cute stared at me this long, to where I’m completely conscious of it, I’d just walk over and plant one on her!! (GEEZ!! I NEED a REAL life!)
I’ve been sitting here for a half hour already. Mail will be here in an hour.
I won’t get my hopes up.
I straightened out some papers last night, and sorted out what to keep and what to toss out. I added up all the cash slips I found, and I’ve spent almost $20 in postage……..not including the paintings I’ve sent to “OHIO”, or the photo album and C.Ds I sent back to “HER”. If I figured in the embossed envelopes, I’m probably in the 40-50 range.
By now, “Scotland” has probably received more of these letters, and probably has already posted them online. These letters (BEGINNING ON SEPT 6th) will have to wait until the 12th to be sent out. That’s when they will put my prison pay in my account. (I get $18 a month for being the barber) Oh, well!! “Scotland” will get a short reprieve…….THEN be up to her chin in typing! HA!! She said, “There’s a trail of yellow paper all over my house!! (**smile**)
(I WRITE ON YELLOW LEGAL PADS)
I’ve been through 2 pens and 4 legal pads (50 sheet pads) since August 3rd. And, I write on BOTH SIDES of the paper!! I have 3 calluses from writing…….the strangest one is the one on my little finger from where I rest my hand on the paper, and drag it along the pages as I write.
It’s the size of an eraser tip of a pencil in diameter.
There’s a new song out called “Out in the Boondocks” or maybe it’s just “BOONDOCKS”, but it’s by Little Big Town, and there’s one part that talks about honeysuckle growing wild, and how sweet it is….it’s definitely a song I can relate to. I could’ve written that song, except my “old camp creek” is “Seven Lake Hollow”.
In fact, I wrote a poem about 10 years ago, (my only copy lost when my mother died) titled, “Honeysuckle Wine”.
It was about Summer’s spent at my great aunts, and the memories I have of the smell of honeysuckle. I use to go fishing in “Seven Lake Hollow”, and I’d come back at dusk…about ¾ mile through the woods……..and I’d get back as it was just getting dark, but it’d be a lot lighter once I emerged from the woods, and I could smell the honeysuckle that grew against my ant’s house before the house was visible. But, “Honeysuckle Wine” was the aroma mixed in the humid summer air, as the day began to finally cool off.
The summer of 80, when I was 15, I had scratches criss-crossed all over the front of my thighs, because I’d trek all the way out to the 3rd lake (more of a pond) with just shorts and tennis shoes on. I had long hair, and a “perm” (think Peter Frampton in 1979), a dark tan, and a body sculpted from 2 years of football (American) workouts.
I lived on fish, and had NO body fat (about 8%). I lived in a 15 x 9 foot tent on the camp grounds at the lake above my aunt’s, and I only joined my family on Saturday nights, when I’d spend the night with my cousins (at my aunts) and go to church with them on Sunday mornings. Saturday nights were the only time I had a proper bath…..the rest of the time, I’d bathe by using the hose on the back of the camp ground clubhouse. Later in the summer, after the 4th July (Independence Day), I’d find myself alone at the camp during the week. I’d walk around nude, with my shorts on hand, “just in case”. I use to lay on the raft (a wooden deck floating on 6 fifty gallon drums) in the middle of the lake. One day, I left my shorts on the dock, and swam out to the raft, and a car came with a fellow and his girl. They swam out to the raft and made love on it, while I held on to the anchor-rope with one hand, and covered myself with the other hand, under the center of the raft. I had sat so still that fish were trying to peck the moles off of my stomach, which is why my other hand was WHERE IT WAS!!
They swam away, and left………never knowing I was there….after an hour.
When I hear that song, “Boondocks”, I’m reminded of a time that my heart clings to. These things….THAT is who I am……..not this label placed on me by society.
I got a letter today; with 2 photos and an old letter written Jan 5th, 2004………..from my daughter. The present letter says she and her beau have gotten their own place, and told me about Jeff’s funeral, and my ex’s family fighting over Jeffrey’s money. (Did I mention I can’t stand her family?)
So, I’m going to try to get in contact with Jen, and tell her how to protect Ashlyn’s rights, (Jeff and Jen’s little girl), and try to do what I think Jeffrey would want.
Ashlyn has no father to support her now, and she’s entitled to ALL OF IT!! What the HELL is wrong with those people?!!
I HATE selfish people!!
But the rest of the letter is full of love, and I’m so glad she sent the old letter. I really needed the old one, And I LOVE the photos!!
I’ll have these ones on my desk now.
Well, it’s almost 4pm (time for rec), so I’ll end here and get ready to go.
Duke
6.12pm
So nice to come back to these lovely eyes upon me!!(HA!!) I really need to send this drawing out to “Scotland”, and get it out of my cell!
For those of you who would like to learn a better way of living, or learn to be happy in spite of ANY circumstances, I have some recommended reading for you, “10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace” by Dr. Wayne Dyer
I’ve sent this book to my family and friends, and I keep a copy of it beside my bed, on my desk (footlocker).
I read it from cover to cover, over and over, and over again!! If one can keep these things in their mind, and practice living their life in this manner, they WILL find a better way of living. I keep it right beside my bible, and I read it whenever I have time. I just place my book marker wherever I leave off, and begin from there the next time. I’ve read it over 50 times…………and I’ll continue to read it, until I practice it, naturally, on a daily basis. But I know I practice it a lot because it’s in my writing and in the way I think.
“Boondocks” just came on!! I’ll be back!
Yeah, I love that song!! I couldn’t find a song that describes me any better.
Well thinking of home………..I guess I’ll answer my daughter’s letter. I’ll write more before bed.
11.58pm
I just finished writing to my daughter……a 6 page letter, (3 sheets, front and back) What? Well, I have to let her know I love her don’t I? I rarely get to call her and the hurricane has just about stopped the mail!! It took 2 WEEKS for my letter to get to her!!
She said her city has been flooded with evacuees from “Katrina”, and its hell there. Said there’s no petrol/gas to even BE purchased!! All the stations tanks are empty, and people are stealing it from other peoples’ cars! And the media’s putting the fear of God into people by saying the evacuees are desperate, and robberies and other crimes are going to be rampant throughout the region………..which I suppose is actually true, since people have lost EVERYTHING, and are starving!! Instead of fear, why not spread CHARITY? I really don’t know what the world has come to!! It’s just sad.
Well, I need to get some sleep before rec at 8am, so I’ll end here for the night.
Sept 8th 2005
7.42am
Good morning!!
Breakfast is o its way in, and I’m headed to rec after that.
I ended up not going to bed until after 2am, because I wrote Kenny a letter. As soon as the porter brings breakfast up, I’ll ask him to slide it under the door to the other side of the block, and have Kenny’s porter pass it to him.
7.51am. Done with breakfast, have to get ready for rec!!
8.06am
The C.O. s (Correctional Officers) are on the other side letting Kenny’s range out for rec. They’ll be over here shortly. As a matter of fact, here they come now!! I’ll write later!
12.10pm
Finally, “OHIO” answered the phone this morning!
She has had a lot to do, and a lot to deal with. It was good to finally talk to her. She has just looked up the website while I was on the phone with her. She’ll send scans/photos of my artwork to “Scotland”, and put up pics of them on this site. Hopefully, I can sell them and be able to order art supplies in November. I want to do a big painting (22” x 28”) for my daughter to put in her new apartment. She feels left out, when it comes to my artwork, and I feel bad about having to sell it. But, that’s just the way my life is! I have to do things I don’t want to do.
6.22pm
I just ate supper, and turned in my commissary order form. A pen, a small pouch of tobacco, and a candy bar for the football pool……leaves me with .04c (four cents) until my prison pay is put on my books (on my account). I asked Kenny to pick me up 2 more pouches until next week. I’ll pay him back then, and buy gum and a can of snuff (the kind you put in your mouth not up your nose) and try to quit smoking again. There’ll be no more smoking allowed after 1st November in this prison anyway, so I’ll just have to quit anyway! I’ve been smoking 20-25 cigarettes a day for 25 years… I should have quit years ago!! Actually, I quit for 3 weeks, until I had my conversation with “HER” on August 1st. But, I was forced to quit, since I didn’t have a prison job at that time, and she started taking care of him, instead.
At least my TV shows will be coming back on for new seasons. “The O.C”, starts tonight…………AND there’s the first NFL game on tonight. “Grey’s Anatomy” starts a new season on the 25th, which I absolutely love. The main character reminds me of my ex wife, when I first met her, and even looks a bit like her. (the eyes, the smile, and the personality).
My ex was in nursing school when I met her, and I use to stay with Jeffrey while she was at school, then help her study, THEN PLAY UNTIL DAWN!!
HA!! She use to go to school on 1-2 hours of sleep, come home and sleep for 2-4 more hours, and be up all night again. ****SMILE****
Oh!! How I miss being 17!! I don’t think we ever skipped a day of making love until all three kids where born!! NOW…………I hear this song called, “I’m not as good as I once was” (but I’m as good, ONCE, as I ever was) and I just HAVE to laugh!! But, I think I’m as good TWICE as I ever was! (smile)
Sixteen (plus) years of deprivation!!

Stay of Execution Order

2005-09-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

Example of Art work for Sale.........COMING SOON!!!

2005-09-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

To read ALL postings

2005-09-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

Please click on the part of the site it says ARCHIVES.

Letter from Kenny Richey Re John Spirko

2005-09-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

7 September 05

I have known John Spirko for over 19 years. John was one of the first friends I made when I first came to death row.

John has always been a decent and kind guy who has been known to go out of his way to help others.

I have read John's case, and the only conclusion I can come to with all certainty is that John Spirko is unequivocally innocent.

As John has often told me and I have always agreed,

"An innocent man is a dangerous man to the state of Ohio"

Unfortunately In order to cover up up the wrongful conviction of John Spirko the state of Ohio must murder John thereby hiding the truth forever.

And Unfortunately the greatest crime is not that the state of Ohio will murder an innocent man, the greatest crime is that the people of Ohio will allow them to do it.

This is not justice for the Mottinger family either. They have also endured much pain and torture over these years but they have been lied to by over zealous prosecutors, a lying postal inspector and an Attorney General who does not appear to know what the words fairness and justice really mean.

So if John Spirko is innocent, which I believe with all my heart he is, this means there is a murderer who has got away with the "perfect crime" then he or they have been assisted by the State of Ohio in achieving this!!

I so firmly believe that John Spirko is innocent that I would gladly bet my life on that fact.

Pontius Pilate Petro and his overzealous quest to look good for Ohio voters couldn't care less if he executes an innocent man.

Pontius Pilate Petro like most officials who work within the Ohio judicial system are nothing more than a blight upon society in their arrogant self righteous manner, they will gladly execute an innocent man and secretly pat each other on the back instead of acting with honour like real men and standing up and admitting when they are wrong.

Sooner or later the injustices that these foul bastards inflict upon innocent people, will come back to strike them down.

They shall reap what they sow for the innocent shall only suffer so much.

Stand Strong John, our thoughts are with you.

Kenny Richey

Editorial: Revisiting the Spirko case and Spirko says he doesn't expect fair clemency hearing

2005-09-14T02:10:00.000-07:00

Revisiting the Spirko case
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Death row inmate John Spirko will not face his scheduled execution later this month. His time on death row has been extended by at least 56 days.
Last week, Gov. Bob Taft ordered a new clemency hearing for Spirko after the Ohio Parole Board took the unprecedented step of asking for a chance to reconsider his case.
Given the significant doubts surrounding Spirko's capital conviction, one can only wonder why Taft didn't simply commute the death sentence to life without the possibility of parole. At least one outside legal expert calls the Spirko case the "weakest" death penalty conviction he's ever seen.
As this page has said before, Spirko is not a sympathetic character. His long criminal record - which includes murder - has caused him to spend virtually his entire adult life in prison. But he may well have not committed the murder for which he received the death penalty. The evidence against him is flimsy.
That is why the parole board's decision to reconsider the case is both moral and just. Killing criminals is not a solution to America's crime problem. And the willful killing of criminals whose convictions are overshadowed by reasonable doubts is simply immoral.
If the state built its case against Spirko on lies, as some evidence suggests, the parole authority must carefully search for the truth. In the meantime, if Taft harbors doubts about this case, he should be prepared to use his power to grant clemency and reduce Spirko's sentence.
Link

Spirko says he doesn't expect fair clemency hearing

By Tom Beyerlein
Dayton Daily News
DAYTON Death row inmate John Spirko told the Dayton Daily News that he doesn't expect to get a fair hearing on his request for clemency in the 1982 stabbing death of rural postmistress Betty Jane Mottinger.
Spirko, who claims innocence, said he's a threat to the justice system "as long as I'm alive."
"I'm a danger to them because I'm innocent," he said. "I'm a danger to the system because they don't want to admit that."
Spirko, 59, was to die by lethal injection next Tuesday, but Gov. Bob Taft postponed the execution to Nov. 15 to give himself and the parole board extra time to consider clemency.
Spirko called the board's unprecedented decision to have a complete rehearing of his case just window dressing.
The new hearing, set for Oct. 12 in Columbus, is just designed "to dot the i's and cross the t's," Spirko said

News article:Ohio's Supermax On Trial

2005-09-14T02:06:00.000-07:00

By Daniel SturmSept. 6, 2005Three years ago, the American Civil Liberties Union won a significant legal victory when a federal district court ruled that the state must follow strict due-process guidelines before sending prisoners to Ohio's only supermaximum-security in Youngstown. The number of inmates at the Ohio State Penitentiary dropped dramatically after a court-ordered review of individual cases determined that two-thirds of the prisoners did not meet the criteria for such restrictive confinement. "The supermax was built to hold 504 prisoners," reported Staughton Lynd, the ACLU's counsel on the case. "There are now roughly 250. So, you can say we've very nearly cut the population in half."The future of Ohio's only supermaximum-security prison may hinge upon a related hearing's outcome.In an Aug. 31-Sept. 2 hearing before U.S. District Judge James Gwin in Cleveland, the ACLU attempted to block a recent state proposal to move Ohio's death-row from Mansfield to Youngstown. The ACLU has argued that the wholesale transfer of approximately 190 death-row prisoners violates the concept of individualized hearings. The Berkeley Wright Institute psychiatrist Terry Kupers, a witness for the plaintiff, testified that placing death row inmates in supermaximum facilities would result in deteriorated mental health, an increase in suicides, and an increase in requests to "volunteer" for execution.Countering this, the state maintained that conditions at the Youngstown supermax did not differ significantly from those in Mansfield, and that planned amenities for the death-row inmates would improve living conditions.The state also argued that the daily budgetary cost of $157 per inmate at Ohio State Penitentiary would drop significantly if the facility were filled.With a high record of suicide attempts, and recent allegations of prisoner abuse which are currently under investigation, critics of the move say that the state's money would be more efficiently spent by shutting the facility down. The federal court is expected to make its decision by the end of September.Supermaximum security prisons have always been controversial. Originally designed in the 1970s in response to increased prisoner violence nationwide, they were built with the idea of isolating "the worst of the worst," or prisoners who had gotten into trouble since being incarcerated. Since the mid-1990s, supermaxes have been subject to an increasing number of lawsuits and human rights protests. Human rights advocates argue that prisoners kept in long-term solitary confinement suffer from mental stress and sensory depravation. This controversy is not new. The first experiment with solitary confinement took place when "silent prisons" were built in the U.S., more than a century ago. Locked in solitary confinement for most of the day, prisoners often became mentally ill and had to be transferred to an asylum.The last of America's "silent prisons" were dismantled at the turn of the century.However, one guard I spoke with from Youngstown's Ohio State Penitentiary said conditions at his workplace today were disturbingly reminiscent.Prisoners were locked in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day, in bleak concrete cells measuring 7½-by-11 feet. Each cell had a sink and toilet, a small desk, a concrete stool, a concrete slab with a thin mattress, and a slim rectangular window. "Bert," as the Ohio State Penitentiary guard has asked to be called (for fear of retaliation), claimed that the physical design of the prison itself bred a culture of animosity. "Over 50 percent of the staff has never seen an institution like this before they came to Youngstown," he said. "Here, they see people locked up all day. Half of them shit their pants. It's a dead end."Bert told me that prisoners and guards, alike, refer to the Ohio State Penitentiary as "the hate factory." "We have an old dungeon type of prison here in Youngstown," he said.Siddique Abdullah Hasan, a Sunni Muslim Imam who was sentenced to death for his alleged involvement in the 1993 Lucasville prison rebellion, has been incarcerated at the Ohio State Penitentiary since it opened in 1998. In a written interview, Hasan emphasized that: "Rarely is media coverage given to guards assaulting prisoners, as if guards have a green light to assault prisoners. However, if prisoners assault guards, they are usually indicted and the media reports it."Similarly, inmate Tommy McClenton (whose nose was broken during a July 17 shakedown, which he claims was no fault of his own), wrote that "guards who assault and withhold certain privileges from inmates" were provoking prisoners who would otherwise be eligible for transfer to a lower security facility. In Ohio, supermax prisoners are not eligible for parole board reviews, and must first be transferred to a lower security prison.Recent events at Ohio's supermax support these two prisoners' statements. In the weeks leading up to the hearing, several guards and prison staff have reported an increase in the number of "use of force" incidents at the supermax. There have also been eight suicide attempts since July 11.On August 11, an Ohio State Penitentiary correctional officer allegedly pepper-sprayed the prisoner Edgar Lee Hamilton, in retaliation for throwing a glass of urine on the guard, according to two staff witnesses who requested anonymity.During a second incident two weeks later, Hamilton was beaten so badly that an ambulance had to be called. He received stitches for wounds to his head, after allegedly being banged several times against the cell bars. The prisoner was transferred last week to the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility, in Lucasville. The Ohio State Penitentiary's spokesperson Keith Fletcher and the State Highway Patrol Investigator's Office have confirmed that an "ongoing investigation" is underway, but have declined further comment. The Ohio State Penitentiary warden, Mark Houk, testified during the U.S. District Court hearing that the correctional officers involved had not placed on administrative leave.Two weeks ago, the Associated Press reported that Ohio death-row prisoner Martin Koliser told a fellow inmate he would rather kill himself than be moved to the supermax facility in Youngstown. He committed suicide on May 7.---Daniel Sturm teaches journalism at Youngstown State University in Northeastern Ohio. He is a German journalist who covers underreported social and political topics in Europe and in the United States.

My Cell, My "house"

2005-09-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

5th Sept 05

9pm

Since "Scotland" is now posting this as a "blog", I think I'll sketch my cell, to give y'all an idea of what my cell looks like from the cell door, looking in, and a diagram of the cell.

I found a sketch I did when I was in the cell next to Kenny's. Its 2-3 years old, but I'll touch it up and send that one, so all I have to do is a diagram

The cell Kenny is in, and the one I'm in, are mirror (reversed) image of this one. They are all the same, but half are the exact reverse of the other half.

That didn't take long. I just did the diagram, with basic things in the cell.

The dark things on the table, footlockers, bench, cabinet, bed, etc.......are towels and blankets that we in to cover up the chipped and rusted metal. The bed is the only metal thing in the cell that isn't that bad, but the cabinets and footlockers are just rust buckets! I've sanded down all of mine with emery boards, painted them, then varnished them.
I even put a piece of chipboard on the top of the footlocker, (the lid), and painted it dark blue to match my towels and blanket.

I spend 221/2 hours a day in my cell, so I fix everything. a lot of guys just don't care....it's a prison cell to them. But, I just can't live like that....it's too depressing. some would say I'm "institutionalized", and maybe thats true, but it's MY living space, and I refuse to suffer in it. It helps keep my sanity.

I do LOTS of things to try to be comfortable! I put baby powder all over myself when I get out of the shower, so my clothes don't stick to me. I have a desk lamp, so I don't have to sit under the harsh florescent lights on the ceiling. I re-bind my hard cover books when they get old, and paint the covers. I wear nylon boxer shorts because they are comfortable. I shine my boots, iron my clothes, and handwash all of my nylon clothes. I put my locker box up on cans to make a desk out of it, and stack books up for a seat, and put my pillow on it when I sit there. I keep photos on my desk.....and currently they're of my kids...........and the painting of the barn is on there too. I painted gold trim on my alarm clock, and on my ashtray. I make little oil lamps and use baby oil for fuel...........so long as I keep the flame short, it'll be a burn clean. They're good for "atmosphere", and for when stroms knockout the power. And I write because I have no one to talk to. When I answer letters, I may write for 2 or 3 hours, or I may write one page..but, I write because I want to express myself, and it helps me: emotioanlly. When I'm not writing, or talking to someone on the phone, I talk to "noone" in my cell.........yeah, I talk to myself. But, I carry on in a normal way, in an abnormal situation. (I'll bet that "Scotland" will be happy when I have more people to write to, and to call. (SMILE). But I know she likes to keep busy.........and she likes me, and likes to read this stuff as much as those who log onto this site.

What can I say? I have to do whatever it takes to survive.

Duke.

Labor Day("no mail day") and The Response to Katrina

2005-09-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

Sept 5th 2005

11.30am

Today is "Labor Day" in the U.S.............just another "no mail" day for me. That which is a holiday for society is a day of punishment for inmates. Every holiday is a "no mail" day.

Tomorrow is my ex-wife's birthday......it'll be a sad one for her. I wrote her a letter, made her a card, and can't post it until tomorrow, because no mail on Saturdays or holidays. I don't even know if she will be home to recieve it.

I ended up not going to bed until 2AM, and I just woke up a few minutes ago. Had dreams all night. Without getting into it, lets just say I woke up and was forced to see how pathetic my life is. You know it's bad when TV characters are "your friends" in your dreams. (SHEESH!)

Well, since I din't go to bed until 2AM, I need to clean my cell. It's still a mess from last night. So, I'll do that, then jump in the shower and shave this two-day growth off my face. I see about three things I want to touch up on these paintings, so I'll probably do that before I go to rec at 4pm.

6.35pm

On the issue of race and the response to "Katrinia, what you are seeing is the segregation of blacks as far as class goes. Racial bias, even in the mixed culture in New Orleans, is a persistant cause of suffering for blacks. The black faces you see on television are predominant because those who were unable to drive away, or pay for passage out of the area, or have a PLACE TO GO, where UNABLE to leave. Racial bias makes it hard for people to make a living, usually living from paycheck to paycheck. It forces the poor to live in areas they can walk to work, and to the shops.

All the black faces you see from the hurricaine are victims TWICE!! They are forced into menial jobs by racism, and were too poor to get out of the path of the killer storm.

The only question, (I think) is hard to answer is, Was the response to New Orleans slow because the majority of the victims where black.or, was it because they were just unprepared to deal with such a massive tragedy? the only think I WILL say about this is, "Where the hell did all the money go for dealing with terrorism here in the US? Why wasn't those agencies responding to THIS catastrophe? And, THANK GOD it wasnt Al Quaeda that blew down the levee!! Oh thats right, there's no Bush in office in Louisianna!
There was a report that a military helicopter was shot at, while trying to evacuate people from the Super Dome, and the helicopter left! Geez! God forbid the victims there weren't marines on the ground in Iraq!! Because THOSE helicopters get shot at EVERYDAY!!

This country is in BIG trouble if a dirty bomb goes off....especially in a highly black populated area!

Duke

Painting and Classic Country

2005-09-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Sept 4th 2005

8.23pm

I’ve been sitting here at my desk since 10.30am, painting and doing fantasy football paperwork. I painted 3 paintings, (11x14” outside, with the actual painting (71/2” x9/12” inside most of the frame)

One is a lighthouse on the water, one is a wilderness waterfall and one is a barn with an old dirt road leading to it with a wooden rail fence enclosure beside the barn, and alongside the road. I like the lighthouse’s colours……….and the waterfall’s overall picture, the best.
The barn painting is on the “plain” side, but that’s what I was going for. Reminds me of the farms where I’m from………especially the hills in the background. The sky on the lighthouse painting turned out great! Purples and blues………..worked out well! I had to squeeze some white paint, and some “slow blend” acrylic medium into the yellow paint bottle and shook it up until I had enough to do the light on the lighthouse. It worked. Can’t believe I have to go to the end of November before I get some yellow paint. I’m going to have to draw instead of painting for awhile.
Imagine that!!! “Knock 3 Times”, just came on the Country Classics……..ironic, huh? Seems I was just talking about that at 2-3am this morning!! I haven’t heard that song in YEARS!!

Sunday night, Country Classics………..it’s Sunday’s that I live for.

Love, my thoughts and music

2005-09-12T04:53:00.000-07:00

Sept 2nd 2005

AM

I went to rec at 8am, and stayed inside the rec cage for mass. I got to have a mass for my son…….and find the love within myself to forgive.

How can someone waiting to be executed, who has lost 3/4s of those closest to him, find love within himself to forgive those who betray him in his lowest moment of life.

Think about every person who has ever wronged you. Everything anyone has done to you cannot be UN-DONE. The past exists only in your mind. All those wrongs committed against you no longer exist., because the past cannot exist in the here and now (the present), except in your thoughts.
No one can put a thought in your mind FOR YOU! Only YOU can put a thought there. So if the past can only exist in your thoughts, and only you can put a thought in your mind, who’s fault it is if you continue to allow past wrongs to be a source of pain and heartache?

You can’t undo what has been done. You accept it for whatever it was, you embrace it and learn from it, and then you forgive it, and no longer carry it in your heart or your thoughts, and you let it go. Otherwise, you allow those past wrongs to continue to make you a victim. The forgiveness is for YOUR sake!! If you THINK you are a victim you ARE. If you THINK you are NOT a victim, you ARE NOT!!
People who are still victimized by their past CHOOSE to be victims”

“What a man thinketh, so he is”

“I think, therefore I am”

All of what we feel and experience is a CHOICE!!

Think you’re happy, and you are. Think you’re sad, and you are. Think something is good and it is (for you). Think something is bad, and it is (for you)

That is how I try to live my life. I define who I am, how I feel and everything else about my own personal existence by the thoughts I place in my mind. I do not have to be what OTHER people think I am, because what they think is in THEIR minds!!

This applies to EVERYTHING in the past!! The things YOU have done wrong, the way you’ve been conditioned to think, all you have been taught………EVERYTHING can be left in the past. You can totally redefine your existence, and who you are!!

Don’t get me wrong, though…I still get hurt and angry and everything that comes with being human. But eventually, I take control of what I feel………and I CHOOSE to be a better man. And prison or even death sentences, cannot take away my love!!

So, THAT is how I am able to forgive, and why I am able to love………..because I CHOOSE to!!
5.30pm

Well no mail today. Guess I’ll spend the weekend painting. I have nothing else to do. Tomorrow, I’ll go outside for rec, and run in circles around the rec cage. I weigh 223lbs……….I’ve gained 5lbs this month. I’m going to work out, paint and write these “letters to noone” until something in my life changes.

I won’t run up “Scotlands” phone bill any more. And I wont call Ohio until she has time for me. I’ll just get on with my life, and those who want to be in it WILL be in it…….but I don’t think I’ll have to worry about having too much company any time soon!!

I guess I’ll go shower and shave, get ready for bed and read until I fall asleep.

September 3rd 2005-09-12 5.37pm.

I just came back from recreation. I apparently lied last night, because I did damage to “Scotlands” phone bill tonight.

“Scotland” said she put up a website for me, and all these letters….but, I’ve decided to continue to write these letters by keeping others names anonymous.

Its not my intention to make public the privacy of those I interact with, so I will continue in this vein.

Well. Ill be happy when I get up at 6 AM tomorrow morning as I listen to Classic Country from 6.15am to 8am. (when I go out for rec) They always play some really good ones in the morning, like Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and Hank Williams Sr.

Since I have batteries for my CD player/radio, I listened to folk music and the last song was by Eva Cassidy. Despite her popularity in the UK, she’s hardly even known in the US. The very first song I ever heard her sing was “Somewhere over the rainbow”, and I had tears in my eyes. Her voice and obvious passion goes straight to my soul. I think my grandmother would’ve loved her.

I have a great love for music. When I was little (5-6 years old) I’d sit with my back against my aunts piano as she played. I loved, not only hearing her play, but feeling it vibrate through my body. Just as you love someone so much that you wish you could climb right into their heart, so is it with music for me. It’s a kind of “BELONGING”
Eva Cassidy, Allison Krause, Patsy Cline and Sade are voices that speak to my soul.

Well, I’m going to paint for a little while. I found a sheet of canvas (9x12) inside a folder, and I haven’t sent Scotland one of my paintings yet……….I guess it’s the least I can do for all she’s done for me. I’ll have to make something “close to yellow paint, like white mixed in golden yellow…so I can paint flower stems and leaves. Then, I’ll go to bed early so I can get up at 6am.

Memories of My Mother

2005-09-12T04:40:00.000-07:00

September 4th 2005
2.24am

Instead of painting last night , I went to bed at 7.30pm. I woke up at 1am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I was thinking about my mother. So I thought I’d share one of my favourite memories of her with you.

I had learned a song called, “My little Puppy’s name is Rags” in school. (Kindergarden). I’m not sure if that’s the actual name/title of it, but that’s what I’ve always called it.

Anyway, my mother used to take me out on the balcony of our little apartment at night, and spend some “quality time” with me. And I would buy “punks” (an incense stick without a perfumed scent) to stick into the cracks between the wooden banister to keep the mosquito’s away. (Yes, I’ve always been an adventurous/independent person even at five years old)

She would lie in a lounge chair and I would lie beside her, and she’d sing to me. My favourite songs where “Raindrops are falling on my head” , “Hey Jude”, “Knock three Times” and “Country Roads”.

Well, one night, I sang, “My little puppy ….” For her, and she laughed and laughed.
The only parts I remember now are, “My little puppy’s name is Rags, he eats so much that his tummy sags” and there was another part that said….”and when I want him to come, all I have to do is whistle” and then you whistle. But, its one of those songs that continue to be “kid cute”, if you know what I mean.

And she never forgot that night……………nor did I. And once in a while when I was married and had moved away, I’d call her up and sing those 2 first lines of the song when she’d say hello.

When my mother died, I’d include every memory of her in my prayers. First, I’d say the “Lords Prayer”, and stop at, “Lead me not into temptation, but protect me from evil”
Then, I say the “Child’s Prayer”. “Now I lay me down to sleep……..I pray the Lord my soul to keep………….If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take”…in between each line I would think of a moment with my mother. I would search my memory for a new memory between each line, never repeating the same memory.
I did this for 6 months, every single night, after she died……..and I relived every moment I could remember about her. It was to honor her, to show God the “ripples” she made in life.

Now I do that with Jeffrey.

My reason for saying the “Child’s Prayer” is to remind myself to remain like a child before God, and that I AM a child of God. Then, I say personal Prayers after asking for forgiveness of my sins, and then I finish the “Lord’s Prayer”.

I really miss my mother, I miss having someone to talk about personal stuff like this. I suppose it’s why I started writing these letters.

Well, I think I’ll go back to bed till 6am. Its 3.33am. Night!

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

My Dog Rags

I have a dog, his name is Rags;He eats so much his tummy sags,
His ears flip flop, his tail wig wags,
And when he walks, he walks zig zag!
Chorus:He goes flip, flop, wig wag, zig zag;
He goes flip, flop, wig wag, zig zag;He goes flip, flop, wig wag, zig zag.
I love Rags and he loves me!
My dog Rags he loves to play,
He rolls around in the mud all day.
I whistle, he won't obey,
He always runs the other way.
Repeat Chorus

Feeling lonely

2005-09-12T03:25:00.000-07:00

September 1st 2005

1.23 PM

Mail will be delivered in an hour or so. I didn’t get any yesterday……..just the receipt for the postage for the letter to Italy.

Besides writing to “Scotland” and “Ohio”, and about John Spirko, I painted a card with daisies and a butterfly….just to fill in my time. My cell is spotless, and after making my bed, dusting, and wiping the floor with a damp cloth, there’s just nothing else to DO! I sure hope I get some mail today.

My little brother has been here for 11 days, and I’ve yet to talk to him. I have no idea where he is or where he is staying.
I’ll leave this letter open and write throughout the day. I’m going to read for a while until mail gets here.

6.15pm. No mail, just a cash slip to send the letters from 29th August and 31st to Scotland.
Went to rec only to find “Ohio” not home and Scotland’s line was busy. (already engaged), so I didn’t get to talk to anyone today.

Just one of those days when I feel alone.

So I sat and played cards today, and won again………….and STILL would rather get mail than play cards.

I don’t know what to do for the rest of the night.

Today was the 2nd day of the hearings being held to decide if the Ohio Department of Corrections can send us to the Super maximum prison in Youngstown, Ohio. The prison is called O.S.P. (Ohio State Penitentiary)
It is the most inhumane prison in Ohio……….on the scale of Pelican Bay but not as bad as that.

Its my understanding that the Ohio dept of corrections has a back up plan, and if they are told that they cant send us to O.S.P. they plan on moving us to Toledo.
Either place is too far for OHIO to come visit me, so I guess that will be the next thing prison takes from me.

I could really use a break from all of this B.S. (*sigh*)

You ever wish you mattered, to just one person, more than anything else the world has to offer? Yeah……..me too. I think I was born 30-40 years too late. Does anyone still believe in an abiding love that lasts forever? I understand that I can’t expect someone to lock their heart up in prison with me for the rest of their life, or for the rest of my life (if I am executed).
But, it’s still not something I can give up hope of having. And, yeah, that’s MY selfishness showing……….but, who doesn’t want “happily ever after?”
Hell I just want “ever after” (Smile)
Love endures all kinds of disappointments, heartaches and tragedies.
Love is what we’re here for……what is life without it?

I don’t know…………..I think I’ve probably seen the last time I’ll ever feel that way. Not because I don’t want to, but because the kind of love I’m looking for in a woman just isn’t often found by a death row inmate. I suppose I’ll have to get by on friendship.

I’m going to look for a poem I wrote for my family and friends, and end tonight's letter with it.

But, before I go, if you’re in love with someone, and you don’t say, “I love you” or how grateful you are and how much you appreciate that person, take a moment to think what life would be like without them, then go sit down with them, and let them know what they mean to you.

Goodnight!

Apologies and Forgiveness.
Written in 2000 or 2001.

I apologize for locking a part of you up in prison with me.
How selfish can I be.
Loving me is a painful thing.
I’m a lost cause that will take your hope, heart and mind to the grave.
I will bury your love with me.

I apologize for loving you, and making you see who I am, on my way out of this world.
I make you see how unfair the world can be. I am selfish that way.

I apologize for all the times you’ll think of me when I am gone. I am sorry for all the pain, and for the tears, yet to come.
For that, I am truly sorry.
By the way, I also forgive you for loving me, and making me feel guilty because of it.

Before, Now and Always.

Katrina

2005-09-12T02:54:00.000-07:00

Sept 1st 2005
AM

I turned the television on for the first time since watching “Prison Break”, and seen the devastation from Katrina for the first time. It’s massive. We have over 100,000 refugees in the US!! The city of New Orleans is totalled!!!
More than 80% of the city is under water. The city of Gulf Port, Mississippi is GONE!!
In that one county alone, over 100 people are dead. I saw a sign that said, “IHOP”(International House of Pancakes) that looked brand new………….but there wasn’t a standing building within hundreds of yards of the sign.

Eight oil refineries are unopenable, and fuel prices shot up over $3.00 per gallon. One oil drilling platform was pushed 65 miles, and come to rest against a bridge on shore.

The biggest tragedy is all the poor folks who were unable to even evacuate. Some are dead, all are homeless, some are missing, and some are still trapped on rooftops. I saw a family of six living in a car. Their house was gone. The car’s tire was flat, the four kids hadn’t eaten in 24 hours and the mother was seven months pregnant. That’s just one family’s plight out of tens of thousands.

This is absolutely worse than 9/11!! It is estimated to be 26 billion dollars worth of damage. There isn’t even an estimated death too yet.
Had this storm hit a place like Great Britain, there would BE NO GREAT BRITAIN.!! That is the scale of land mass that has been destroyed.

65,000 college students have lost their schools. One young lady lost three years of art work……..I know how that must feel. Felt really bad for her.

I heard a story where a family was in the attic of their house when the house split in two. The mother was swept away from the father and 2 kids, and she said, “take care of the kids,” and was never heard from again. She is presumed dead.

I’m sure there will be many more stories like this, just like the stories from the Tsunami. I won’t watch any more coverage of it. I’ve had enough of tragedy and death.

When a storm threatened Pensacola earlier this year and the national media reported on it, I saw how the place was still a mess from the year before. If a popular city like Pensocola hasn’t recovered much in a years time, I can only imagine how bad Pt. Charlotte and Punto Gorda is!! And, now those two little cities will be totally ignored in the aftermath of Katrina, because of the need to restore a vital part of the U.S. We are so weakened economically now that the impoverished in this country are going to see their lives fall apart. 26 billion dollars to rebuild has to come from the US taxpayers….and the funding for our war in Iraq is already draining our economy. One year from now, look at the US .. and it will be on the verge of falling apart.

The impoverished will live a completely different life in the US than those with money.
We spend so much money exploring space and invading countries that we have no business being in, and we ignore people starving to death in Africa.
What a waste!! Why are we studying Mars? We can’t even heal our own planet.

The world’s going to hell in a handbag.

"A Life's worth of ......." a Painting By Duke

2005-09-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

My mate Kenny Richey

2005-09-10T02:52:00.000-07:00

I met Kenny Richey in 1990, after arriving on Ohio's death row on 1st November 1989.
He and I were "block porters", working together in the prison guards station. It was our job to distibute food carts to the four ranges, holding 20 cells on each range. Then, the range porters would pass out the trays of food to the inmates in their cells. We were also responsible for keeping the guards station clean, and loading ice into plastic tubs, to be distributed by the range porters to the inmates in their cells. We worked second shift, (2pm-8pm), had a shower then locked up in our own cells.
Mail arrived between 2-4pm, and he always had stacks of it, all from overseas. He had an accent, and I asked about it. I learned who he was, where he was from and was intrigued. Back then, Kenny was this fresh faced, lean, fit young man. We were the same age, seperated by only half a year.
He introduced me to organisations in the UK that supported Death Row inmates. My first penpal was a young woman who lived in South Wales. Expressing my feelings through correspondence was like therapy, and allowed me to heal a lot of emotional issues I had at that time. I learned, not only who I was, but who I wanted to be. I learned to be myself, and that people liked me for who I am. The labels placed on me by US Society: Condemned man, death row inmate, scum of the earth, worst of the worst, etc etc, allowed me to be myself, because I expected to be shunned. And the people who allowed themselves to look past all that, to the individual within, found a person they actually liked.
I was one of the fortunate guys who was able to read and write, and through penpals, hang on to my sanity and humanity.
One special woman I met in 1995, from Leicestershire, England, is now my sister in law. My brother and his wife live in the UK and have a beautiful 16 month old daughter.
Kenny and I "best mates" as he says.
I know his case inside out. I know who he is, what he dreams of, how much he loves his girl, and even what he is thinking at times. He does the best Sean Connery impersonation, loves the BBC shows, "One foot in the grave", "As time goes by" and Coupling, (We argue over who loves Sara Alexander who plays the character Susan the most)
Kenny and I look after one another, and always ask each other if there's anything the other needs from the prison commissary. I am always making him file the paperwork necessary to get things done, such as going to the dentist, ordering new prison clothes, seeing the doctor etc etc. I made him fill out the forms to get out of the hole, because they held him there for not filling it out to their satisfaction. I told him to fill the questions, then add a note which read, "the unanswered questions are ones I cannot fill out upon the advice of my attorneys, as they are incriminating questions which answering them is against my right not to incriminate myself, guarunteed by the 5th Amendment of the US Constitution". He left the hole shortly thereafter. He is now next door to me. One hour from now, we'll be out at rec together....probably fighting over use of the phone. Haha.
Kenny has a good heart. He's jovial and full of laughs. We laugh at the plight we find ourselves in, because its better than crying. It's a cosmic joke, and we're at the butt end of it.
But, I know how Kenny dreams of the ruins of castles and abbeys. I know of his love for a woman who stands by his side, who has become the rock he leans on. He has the kind of honour admired in most of history's heros. One of the beliefs in the US Marine's is "Death before Dishonour".
Here is a man more honourable than those who hold the title "Honourable Judge" who have continually failed to act honourably in considering his case. I know Kenny. He IS an innocent man.But, I REALLY know Kenny.........he is my best mate, and he is responsible for the process that allowed me my humanity, and (indirectly) responsible for my brothers happiness, and the existence of my neice.
I'm a 6 foot, 200 pound, death row inmate. I'm not the the sort to tell even my best mate that I love him as a brother. But, what is important is that I let my actions, in these dark times speak for themselves.
Many supporters hear the stories, and the outpouring of love gives me the hope for this world. If only words touch the hearts of so many, imagine walking beside him, talking to him, living the same hell....and knowing he is innocent. I've read every piece of paper concerning his case. I know his personality and how he thinks. Not only am I helpless to do anything but watch this system fail him, but I'll lie in the same spot when my friend leaves this world. Cry out and shout the injustice to all who will listen. Do not let them get away with the murder of an innocent man.
www.kennyrichey.org

DUKE

Embossed envelopes and US Airmail Envelopes NEEDED URGENTLY

2005-09-10T02:45:00.000-07:00

Embossed envelopes are the ones you can buy with a prepaid stamp on them. The have 40c stamp embossed on them. ACTUAL stamps are not allowed!! Air mail envelopes are blue and have a sheet of paper attached to "envelope" they cost 80c. I know that he can also get envelopes that have been franked in a machine that stamps envelopes. If you would like to send some envelopes to help Duke write to family, friends and supporters please contact me.

He is allowed 3 to be sent in per letter. Every little helps.

If you can send Duke any of these envelopes please send to:

Donald "Duke" Palmer A215600
DR MAN C. I
PO BOX 788
Mansfield
Ohio 44901
USA.

This is appreciated more than you will ever know.

Thank you in advance.

Thank you

2005-09-06T04:10:00.000-07:00

to the people who have sent me emails. I have no access to a computer and a friend forwards them onto me. I appreciate it this a lot. thank you

I love to recieve snail mail and will try to write to everyone who writes me.

Thank you for the positive feed back to my writing.

Love n hugs

D

Punishment and the execution of an Innocent Man

2005-09-06T03:59:00.000-07:00

August 31st 2005-09-06
I didn’t write yesterday, except to answer a postcard from Italy and a letter from Texas. The letter from Texas made me laugh and smile. It was a long letter, and had photos printed on the last page of her kids, who have grown a lot since last I heard from “Texas”. I enjoyed the letter, and writing back to her. Its nice to have a friend back in my life that I haven’t heard from in years.

I’m glad this is the last day of August. It’s been the longest month of my life. I want to push it into the past and for it just to be part of what I had to go through in order to get to wherever the days ahead lead me. But, it’ll be a while before I’ll get over all of this. It’s getting better everyday……just need MORE days between NOW and THEN!!

I’ve been thinking about John Spirko. I hate to think of all the years he’s spent in prison, and is scheduled to be executed in 2 weeks. Twenty three years of sensory deprivation, spent in cellblocks designed to punish inmates…….and an execution at the end of the road. I live a life with death being as common as holidays within a calendar year.
When I was first arrested, I used to think, “It’s Friday. The weekend. Everyone is going out to enjoy the days at the end of the hard week”
Slowly, that anticipation for Fridays faded, and when they took away mail service on Saturdays, I began to dread the weekends.
I found that I could still enjoy Christmas, and I’d make my own Christmas cards, and put the ones I received on the wall in the shape of a Christmas tree. I’d paint my light bulbs blue or red and put it on my desk lamp, and turn on Christmas music, snack on goodies sent in food boxes by my mother. I’d spend every midnight, as it turned from the 24th to the 25th of December, in prayers, and end with a “Happy Birthday”.

Then every February, on my birthday, my mother would send me $200 to buy new clothes……….just as she did every Christmas!
But she knew I would spend Christmas money on gifts and postage for family and friends, so she’d send $200 every February for clothes.

Well, first they told me I couldn’t put my cards on the wall any more, or paint light bulbs. Then, they took away food boxes, where death row inmates couldn’t receive them any more. Then they took away radios with speakers, and we could only use head phones. Then my mother died, and I couldn’t buy gifts for people, or afford to send many cards.

Soon, I began to dread Christmas. I still pray at midnight as it turns to Christmas Day. I make a few cards for family, so long as I have the embossed envelopes to send them.
When I first met my girlfriend (now ex girlfriend) I didn’t even have shoes to play hand ball in. All of my clothes were threadbare, faded and had holes in them. The only good clothes I had were prison issued uniforms. She bought me $175 worth of new clothes, and gave me my dignity back.
Then half of my clothes were stolen from the prison laundry.

How much of this has John Spirko known in HIS life? And, now, it ends with an overdose of lethal drugs. Death row inmates are sentenced to DEATH! DEATH is the SENTENCE……….yet we are punished far more that any other class of inmates (for 23 years in John’s case) UNTIL the punishment (THE SENTENCE) is carried out! No other maximum security inmate (NOT under sentence of death) has to live under the primitive conditions that death row does! We do the hardest time in prison than ANY other class of inmates!! And THEN we’re executed!!
Under the law, when John went to trial, the jury had the option to sentence him to “20 years to life”, "30 years to life” or “death”. If he had received the “20 years to life,” he’d not only be eligible for parole this year, but he’d have done his 20 years in conditions where he’d have had contact visits, freedom to move about the prison, and visitations wouldn’t be made by reservation and availability. He’d have had a prison job, and possibly even worked towards a lower security status prison.

Instead, he’s done 23 years of the hardest time an Ohio inmate can do, (unless they’ve done something to be put in Super Maximum), and now he’s going to die. It seems to me that John Spirko will have been punished THREE times. 1) He’s done a “20 to life” sentence, 2nd) He’s done 23 years in a punitive atmosphere and 3rd) He’ll be murdered by the State of Ohio on behalf of its citizens.

There is a law that forbids anyone to be punished twice for the same crime….but, they claim the 23 years John Spirko has spent doing hard time isn’t punishment? NO? You think not? Take 200 “close security” inmates from the prison’s general population and force THEM to live LIKE WE DO! I think EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM would feel they’re being “PUNISHED”.

Those are just the obvious punishments! How many funerals was he denied to attend? How many loved ones has he lost? How many heartaches has he dealt with?
When will the rest of the world stand up and demand an end to the crimes against humanity committed by the US government?

When Russia put down Napoleon’s reign over the world, they became the darlings of the world. But, then, they gained power over the world and became detested by the world.

When the US put down Hitler’s reign of terror, the US became the darlings of the world. And, now, the US dictates and policies the way THEY say the world should be, and they’re fast becoming the ones detested by the world.!

Soon enough, the US will go the way of Russia. And, eventually, the European Union (IF THEY EVER QUIT FIGHTING AMONGST THEMSELVES) will lead the world.
It’s all the same. We just keep trying to fit the square peg in the round hole. When will we become one world working towards the peace and goodwill of ALL mankind? Life is so short……..we don’t have time to be the ugliness of our nature! Greed, hatred and power…………what a wasted opportunity!

I hope John will hold on to love, until the very end, just to die a better man that those who’ve had a hand in his execution. When we take a person’s life, we deny God His will. The 2nd Commandment says “to love your neighbour in the way you love yourself". What person would KILL HIMSELF in the name of “justice?” Surely not any of the people about to kill John Spirko!!

That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Stand Strong John!!! Justice for John Spirko an innocent man on Ohio's Death Row. www.johnspirko.com

A day in my life on the row

2005-09-06T03:57:00.000-07:00

1pm August 29th 2005

I woke up this morning and watched the news coverage of hurricane “Katrina”. My kids and ex-wife live in the Florida panhandle and have run from storm after storm. This one won’t hit them directly, but they’re on the east-side of the eye where all the rain and tornadoes are often the worst. It’s still less of a threat than the storm surge and the winds at the eye of the storm. But, with all that’s happened this month, I can’t help but worry. The last storm chased them to Alabama, and I’m hoping they stayed home this time, as this storm will dump major amounts of water and cause serious flooding in Alabama.
When I saw the video of Punta Gorda, Florida last year, I was in disbelief. I used to work for Charlotte County in Florida, and my cousin worked for the city of Punta Gorda. I couldn’t imagine what it would’ve been like to be there in person! Both sides of Charlotte Bay where demolished. Pt Charlotte and Punta Gorda. I wondered which of my friends were affected, and thought about the guys I worked with, and imagined what work was like as they’d be the ones to do all the cleaning up.
I wish I’d have stayed in Florida, instead of coming back to Ohio. I had a good job, nice condo and sun and surf. But who knows………………

Today is Monday……always grateful for the days when mail is delivered, but for whatever reason, very little is passed out on Mondays. Since they took away Saturday mail in Ohio prisons, you’d think there would be MORE mail on Mondays than any others.

I don’t get much of it these days…and I guess I don’t really want it from where it USED TO COME FROM anymore anyway. (*SIGH*)

I wonder if people have any idea of what it’s like to watch your whole identity disappear. They think death is the ultimate punishment, but they are wrong.
The punishment is the separation from your loved ones. Its seeing the heartache in the lives of those who love you. It's watching your children grow up in photos and letters, and wondering who they are as people/adults. Its watching your mum become manically depressed………addicted to prescribed drugs………..and die of massive heart failure. It’s getting a letter from her five days before she dies, and regretting not answering it that very day………knowing she’d have got it before she died.
It’s hearing about your 9 year old son running out of his classroom talking about killing himself, because of the news coverage of the Lucasville riot, and worrying about me. It’s thinking about your children and wives of the two victims in my case……….knowing one of those kids has to think about his father every time he had a birthday. It’s KNOWING what those kids lives must be like (to a certain extent) by seeing my own children growing up without a father in their daily lives. It’s knowing that I’m not a criminal, and I’m not like a lot of these guys here on the row………and I have nothing to prove it, except words.
It’s never getting a second chance to prove it. It’s not being able to show my son a better way to conduct himself, and then not being able to bury him or say goodbye when he kills himself.

NO……death is NOT the punishment!! Death will be the answer to my prayers, in which I pray to be released from captivity.

I try to find a bit of peace and contentment, until it all plays out. I look for that one special woman to share the rest of my life with, hoping against all odds that it is actually possible to truly love a man in my situation…….only to have new wounds torn into my battered heart.

I believe Jesus was the Son of God….God incarnate as man…..and He suffered much more, being innocent of any crime, for the forgiveness of all man kind’s sins. Peter was festering in prison and never gave up hope and faith.

Who am I to expect special treatment? I’m responsible for the taking of two men’s lives. I’m unable to change that fact……….but, I can pray for their souls, and for their families.

I am not an “act” that took place 16 and half years ago. It doesn’t define who I am….nor will I ever allow it to! I can only be who I am, and define myself by the way I conduct my life. I SAY who I am, and I DO what I SAY!

I’m not a saint….nor am I a criminal. I’m just a man..no more, no less.
I was convicted of MORE than the truth, so they could secure a death sentence against me. But, “truth” and “justice” are separate entities in the US, and one has little to do with the other.
All I can do is try to be a better man for no other reason that to be the best person I am capable of being. What others think of me is none of my business. People who judge me define themselves through their words and actions.
They cannot MAKE me to be who they THINK or SAY that I am.
It would be much easier for them if I WERE that!! Well, “I’m sorry to make your life so uneasy”!
People who have taken the time to get to know me often ask, “How does a guy like you end up in prison?
How do I answer that? Do they really want to know I couldn’t deal with heartache, buried myself in drugs and booze, and snapped one day because I was drunk? I guess the answer to the question is, “I WASN’T a guy “like me” the day I shot 2 men”!
Because “a guy like me” has learned how to live life in a better way. But, I still get angry….and I still have faults. I’m just a man. A BETTER man………….but, just a man.!!

Well, no mail today. All I received were receipts for overseas postage ($4.06 US) for three envelopes.
They say writing is good therapy. I guess therapy is expensive in ALL of its forms. (smile)

Well, I have recreation in 40 minutes. I think I’ll take a nap for 20 minutes, then go to rec and call “Scotland” to see where my kids are, or if she’s heard from them. Then I’ll call “OHIO” and see if she has received my painting which she’s framing and sending to “Scotland” for me. What would this month have been like without THEM? How can I NOT believe in the power of love?

“If I do not have love, I am nothing.” Corinthians 13:2

6pm August 29th 2005

Just came back from rec at 5.30pm………sold my food tray for a stamped envelope (40c). Need to keep my writing costs to a minimum. Besides, I NEED to start skipping some meals.
Called “Scotland” and let her know what had been posted to her, and asked if she’d try to call my daughter to find out if she is okay, and where she is. We talked about putting up a website for these letters and using a painting for a logo/insignia for the site.
“OHIO” didn’t get back home until late and I only got to talk to her for five minutes or so. But, she did get the painting, and was surprised that it was so unlike my other paintings. But, she could feel the emotion in it, and understand WHY it is WHAT it is. I explained why I wanted to put it up as the logo for “Ohio death row inmate”. How it (literally) paints the picture of my feelings, and expresses what I’ve been writing about in these letters.
She thinks I should continue to paint like that.
But, I explained that flowers and landscapes where comfortable, and I never had to worry about it not turning out right, and the other painting was an emotion, and just happened. If I mess up, make a mistake, I have to toss the canvas out!!
But, she’ll email a photo, or scan of it and send it to “Scotland, and she’ll frame it and post it to her.

It sucks that I only got to talk to her for five mins!!! I’m hoping to get at least 2 calls in to her tomorrow. (2-15 min timed calls) before she has to leave the house.
Well that’s my day in a nutshell. Now I’ll watch “prison Break” (a new series on TV), then I’ll turn the radio (on my TV) and take a shower. I’ll sit and write a letter………..then go to bed….or just sit and listen to the radio and enjoy my own company.

Nite ya'll

You can email Ohio Death Row Inmate

2005-09-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

At duke215600@yahoo.com

Letter to Nobody

2005-09-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

Letter to Nobody
By An Ohio Death Row Inmate

12 August 2005

I am writing just for the sake of speaking out. I've no one whom to say these things to, I'm just doing it for my sanity. If I find someone who would like to know about me one day I'll let then read all of this.

I'm a death row inmate in Ohio, I'm 40 years old, 25lbs overweight, wearing prison issue glasses and I look like someone other than myself. Only I can see the good looking guy that was arrested for a double murder in 1989. I've been broken in so many ways that I couldn't begin to make someone understand. I wonder how much more I must endure before it all ends, and HOW it will all end.

On August 1st, eleven days ago, the woman I loved told me she was in love with my best friend.........another guy on death row.I know I should just see it as someone on the outside would see it, thats she's obviously insane to begin with. But I know why she only falls for men in prison, it's because she knows that men in prison look deep within themselves, and they appreciate her love far more than men on the outside. They cling to her, depend upon her, and make her feel like an angel. They feel blessed by her love and companionship.
The sad thing is her inabilty to be commited to just one person. Once the relationship takes on the air of being comfortable, she becomes bored and looks for that exciting time of getting to know someone new.
Yet, once she IS known, she wants to move on when they see the truth......that she's not a "happily ever after" kind of girl. Never has been.....never will be.

The friend she ran off with, so to speak, is a guy I took under my wing when he first arrived. All the homosexuals were at his cell trying to drag him into their world of using one another.....not just sexually, but in the way that inmates do, gambling, scheming, and just being shit starters. They are the kind of people without self respect. Their idea of respect is to give props to people who are feared.

I kept him out of all that, and he was my cellie for 22 months,from April 98 till Feb 2000.............. a year and a half after he arrived in Sept. 1996. We were closer than any two friends can be. We were locked in a nine by eleven foot cell, with a shower in it. We ate, shit, showered and slept in the same space.

While most other death row inmates were fighting with their cell mates, he and I got along famously. We worked out together, played cards and board games, did art work together, and talked about everything. He was like my brother and I loved him as much as my brother.

I lost 2 people I loved the most. Though they say they want to continue to be friends, I have no room in my heart. I'm unable to be friends with people who betray my trust and my love. A two year relationship and a 9 year friendship both tossed in the garbabge out of selfishness. I'm hurt because of it.........but I can't go backwards and try to be less than what we were with either of them. Thats not how I work.

I'm on death row now because my brother in law hit the backend of a guys truck, the guy attacked, and I killed him. I didnt mean to....and there was no intention to harm anyone that day.

Its how I was raised, you protect the people you love, regardless of your own safety. Another man was killed in the incident, also. I can't take it back. I can't do ANYTHING to change what happened. But I would protect my brother in law again in those same circumstances. The only difference is that I don't drink or do drugs anymore, because I dont ever want to be without the ability to reason under pressure. (yes drugs and alcohol are accessible in prison)
So, I dont understand betrayal. These people can't possibly like who they are! And, I know I dont like them. The only thing I feel, besides being hurt and angry, is pity that they are people with no integrity.
You know whats worse? It won't last between the two of them.......and I feel betrayed for nothing. And I will not forgive them afterwards. Well, maybe forgive, but I'll never talk to either of them.
I'm alone in this world. I have a friend I call in Ohio and one in Scotland. I hear from my daughter once in a while. But, my brother lives in England.........my kids are in Florida.....and I don't hear from the rest of my family. Never knew my father, and my mother and sister have both died in the past 2 years..........as did a very dear friend of mine.
What do I do now? How do I live? Where do I find hope?? Where is it that my thoughts and heart call home?SHE was "HOME" to me. She took that and gave it to someone else. HE took it for his own. I feel orphaned.

Sixteen years, I have watched my life fade into nothingness. All I've written to my mother has been scattered to the wind. I no longer exist in this world. A living ghost, if you will. I have no future, no past..........just this empty present. If I died, a couple of people would say "that's too bad" but no one's life would be turned upside down because of it. But, perhaps the pain would go away for me. I'm not that concerned about my current appeal in federal court. In fact I'd rather die than be sentenced to "life in prison".
Why would I want to extend my heartache and pain? My kids are all grown up...........in their twenties now. My family have forgotten about me. The rest are dead.My best friend is no longer someone I like.....My girl gave herself to someone else. And I am supposed to FEAR death? I WELCOME an end to this.

An Ohio Death Row inmate.

Diary of My Thoughts

2005-09-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

DIARY OF MY THOUGHTS
August 25th 2005

I'm dreaming about the kind of love I want (NEED?) from a woman again. I don't want to get out of bed. I was dreaming of someone who is very famous, a sex symbol, who has had a lot of plastic surgery..........she's not what I like at all!! It was a symbolism for everything I DON'T LIKE, but I guess it was the extreme case to overcome!
I took her to this very small room (closet?) and I turned out the light. Then I said, "With no adoring eyes upon you...no camera's to play with....nothing, but who you are inside...that's what I want of you. I want the inner person who hides behind the persona you project. I want to understand, and know the person you really are.........the one you're afraid to be. THAT'S the person who's heart I want to be trusted with......and I want to mean more than your fame and vanity.........more than your selfish desires to fuck someone who interests you.........I want you to love me more than all of that.
I want love...........YOUR LOVE FOR ME, to mean more than anything else that life has to offer you.
She cried, and I wiped away the tear from her cheek. (At that point the door was open, and we could see). It was "us" standing there looking out at the world waiting for her to come back out.) I put my forehead to hers and said, "I'm here, waiting for you to leave it all for my love."
I realised two important things.
1) I've yet to find a woman like that, and the three I've truly loved all left me for their selfish desires
2.) I'm already wanting (looking for?) that kind of love.
I'm moving on.......accepting the fact that my latest love just wasn't who I thought she was.
Yeah, it still hurts. I'll never get over the betrayal and I don't like her excuse that I was "only interested in money." But, they ALWAYS have to justify their guilt......and I'm used to it, and allow them to do or say what they want. They ALL know the truth, and if they want to continue to project a false reality, so others will see them in a better light, they'll never find real happiness. Experience has already shown me ..........the first love of my life hasn't ever remarried, and hasn't loved like she did with me, ever since. She's alone, and fills loneliness with sex. The second one is separated from the person she left me for.......because "love" isn't enough for her.
So, I already know how these people will live their life, and (unless they learn a better way) they will never be happy.
I'm sad for them, and sad for myself. But I will continue to look for that "real" woman.........and fill my life with friends until then. My time is to short to spend in heartache and misery.
"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create that fact" William James

26th August 2005 AM
So far in a hole the opening looks like a full moon on a midnight sky. Memories spiral down flooding the minds eye with ghosts from the past, or perhaps from a dream from long ago.
Its hard to tell what is real, and what isn't any more. So far in a hole that the dead are above my existence, and they come calling me to remember a journey once shared.
So far in a hole that the dead are closer to me than the living..........but, still above my place in this world. Is this hell? Is this another type of death? Limbo?
Purgatory? So, so far down in a hole. Is it any wonder why no one wants to get too close to me?
Who would want to bury themselves in my existence just to keep me company? "Please love me?" "Hell no, holeboy!" "Please?" "Get lost"!
"Get lost?" Ha! I already am, Lost........so far down in a hole? Who'll find me? Some future generation on an excavation team? What will they make of it, a man far down in a hole? What surmised story will they tell about me? That I was sacrificed to the ideals of a barbaric society in the early 21st century? How quaint!
Yeah, but.......true? Hmmmmm...funny, the things one conjures up so far in a hole.

August 26th 2005 PM
It's almost midnight. I'm listening to the country station (local) that I'm able to pick up on sub ariel bands on my TV. Its the only way to listen to music without headphones in here.
They no longer allow radios with speakers.
Today was commissary day, so I've got a full belly, a steaming cup of coffee and a smoke burning in the ashtray. I smoke regular, and they sent me menthol. TASTES like shit.........yet, I'm smoking it. I had quit for three weeks............then "SHE" told me she was in love with my best friend. I smoked 9 ounces of tobacco from the end of that phone call until that Friday (August 1st to August 5th)
Of course, I had not smoked so much if I could've slept. I ran on adrenaline for those five days.
I slept 6 hours in those first four nights: NO sleep the first 2 nights, and then 1.30am to 3am the last two nights. I smoked one cigarette after another. The night of the 6th (Sat), I slept 14 hours straight.
My body just crashed, and my mind finally got its chance to work shit out.
"SHE" left me so broke, and unable to make money by painting, because I used up all my materials for the paintings I sent to her. So, I reached out to friends and was sent $50 from one friend, and $100 from another. So, today, I've probably eaten over 5,000 calories in junk food. Watched football and ate all night.
Earlier, I went to recreation and sat there talking on the phone for 45 minutes.......then played cards and won $2.30. I've lost $6.50 (2.50 and 4.00) in two days.......so I won some of it back. But, since August 1st..... I'm up about $25. I've been living on my winnings, smokes, coffee and stamps.
After rec, I wrote "So far in a hole"........and then cleaned my cell. Got a letter from a friend of mine on the row. He told me things I wanted to know about other people, and generally just let me know I am not alone. At least one of my friends understands honor and integrity.
I received a card, or a letter, 4 of the past five days........so it has been a good week.
When commissary came, I received my 22x28 chip boards, and cut one into 4- 11x14 and put canvas on all 4 of them. I painted skies on each one....getting them ready for the landscapes I'll do. I'll do all four of them over the weekend, and send them to my friend. She'll sell them and send me the money. I've already done 7 paintings this month, a 16"x20" landscape, 11"x14" landscape, 11"x14" floral (x2), 7"x7" floral with butterfly, and 11x14 (expression by collage of symbols), and one on the handmade cover of my dictionary. Only three of them will be sold..the others where for friends............and the dictionary just NEEDED something on the back cover.
If I can't make some money painting, I'm just screwed. I'll be back to living on $18.00 a month. But, I know I'm good enough to support myself. Even if I have to paint 10 a month to make a profit, I think I'll do okay.
Never thought I would see the day when I'd be this alone in here. My friends chipped in to pick me up off my ass...but now I have to stand on my own two feet and be self reliant. Thats hard to do from a cell on death row, (at least in an honest way!) and I still have to rely on my friends to SELL the paintings FOR ME!!
I'll get these 4 done, and in the mail on Monday morning. I'll just have to see what happens with these 4, and the other 3. I'll know soon enough where I stand.
What a strange existence this is. My life has been a strange journey. I wonder what purpose I have in God's plan. You ever think He's just "winging it"? (smile) You really have to sit back and wonder where we're going! Well, Lord, here I am.........pick me up, and lead me into tomorrow.
Night ya'll!!!
27th August 2005 PM
What would I do without my friends? Since life just took a huge crap in my lap, my friends have picked me up off my rear end and put me back on my feet. I was left broke, and with no art supplies to even try to get back on my feet. Then, 2 of my friends sent me some money. ($150 between them), and they're going to sell my paintings for me. I can only do so much, and then I need to find a market for my artwork.
But, that is just what I have to do to live, and man can't live on bread alone. My friends were there to pick up the pieces when I found my world torn to bits. They listened when I had to express the hurt, heartache, and grief. They filled my emptiness with their emotional needs, and made me feel like I was needed. They leaned on me, and they knew how to make me feel strong. They never made me feel weak when I expressed how hurt I was. They know who I am, and they knew I'd reached down inside of myself and deal with it.
When my son died, it was my friend in Scotland who relayed the message to me. She heard the heartache and pain as his mother completely broke down on the phone. She heard me be strong and reach out to my ex wife, and as I talked to my kids, my other son and daughter. I once read that......"great tragedies are the bonfire in which trivial hardships are burned!!"
The loss of my girl and my best friend was consumed in the death of my son. What I thought to be the heartache of all heartaches was completely overshadowed. God has a way of making me feel silly.
My brother flew home from the U.K to bury my son. He and Jeffrey were like brothers, and grew up together. It made me feel a lot better that my brother will be there. Jeffrey was buried in my hometown, on the banks of the Ohio River.
My friend in Ohio ordered flowers in my name and had them sent to the funeral home. How's that for friendship? It meant the world to me.
I believe in honor and integrity. I believe in love, and in the truth. I believe in God, because anything less means there's no purpose to life. I believe in forgiveness, even if it's undeserved.........because its the only way to heal the wrongs done to you. And though this world is full of hate and violence, I believe in the love in mankind. My proof in the love of mankind has come in the way of friendship, when all I wanted to do was die.
I may, or may not, be executed, but I'll live my life until it all plays out. And, I'll have REAL friends until my time comes. I may, or may not ever know REAL love again.... but I'll know the love of friends until the day I die. To "Scotland" and "Ohio"........I thank you for being who you are!!!!!!!

28th August 2005
I'm listening to my country music station. Every Sunday, they play the old classic country songs in the morning from 6.15 am to 9am..........then play classics again from 9pm to midnight. Right now, the top 20 country songs are being counted down to the number 1 song of the week.
I didn't listen to country music as a teen, but I grew up in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, so I KNOW country and bluegrass music. Now, that I'm older, I like it....it reminds me of home and family.
Have you ever watched "The Deer Hunter"? It was filmed in the Mingo Junction, Ohio....and that's where most of my family was born and raised.
The bar where the characters hangout at, is where my grandmother worked when my mother was a kid.
All of my friends' fathers worked in the mines, steel and mills, drove coal trucks, or worked on the railways.
I grew up about 50 miles down the Ohio River from there, but spent many of my childhood summers in the hills behind (west of) Mingo Junction at various relatives' but mostly my great aunt's.
So, every Sunday, I listen to the classics, and I get to spend time remembering people I love, and cherished times spent with them. And the one image I'll always remember is my grandmother in her kitchen, and she had a spice rack with a built in AM radio, and the high lonesome sounds of bluegrass crooners playing over the sizzle of bacon every Sunday morning......AFTER the Sunday hymns!
I remember my mother pointing out a brick chimney in the woods on a hillside, and explaining that it was what's left of the house she used to live in. And further down the road, she pointed out a little country church, and told me it was a 2 room school house she went to as a kid.
I loved these stories, and if I have any regrets (and believe me I do!), I regret that I never got the chance to pass these stories on to my kids, and give them a sense of "self", who they are and where they came from.
I listen to Allison Krauss and Vince Gill and my heart sits in my throat, and I'm lost in bitter sweet memories. I miss the dew drops strung on spider webs, like pearls, on my way to my favorite fishing hole. I miss the scent of ivy and honeysuckle hanging in the humid evening air on a Summer night. I miss lying on my back in a raft in the middle of the lake with no one within miles of it. I miss the magical encounters with wild life while alone in the woods. I miss the beavers warning slap of his tale on the water, and in interrupting his work, as I fished on his lake. And, I miss telling these things to my mother.
Bluegrass music came from Celtic music, as the Irish and Scots settled in the Appalachians.
My great, great grandfather was a McIntyre, and he came from those Irish/Scot settlers. And I'm proud of where I come from.
General George Washington, long before he was the first president of the US, recruited the "Irish Scotch" (as they where called) to fight with him, because of their reputations as fierce fighting men.
Ever heard of the Hatfield/McCoy fued? The McCoys were obviously descendants of those "Irish Scotch"
I miss the hills of home. I miss "home". So I listen to country music and hold dear the memories, and remember who I am in this place of sensory deprivation.
I'm a hillbilly who's seen a lot of the US and lived on the ocean shores, and the big cities like Philadelphia, St Louis, Kansas City and Columbus, Ohio. I'm educated well enough, and I now how to survive on the streets too. But make no mistake about it, I'm a hillbilly, and proud of it!
I've been with women from all backgrounds.....but, give me a beautiful, country tomboy, any day!!!
And, if she can sing like Allison Krauss, I'll know I've died and gone to heaven.
"Country Roads...............take me home" John Denver
Ohio Death Row Inmate

Letter regarding visitation

2005-09-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

This (below) is a letter written to prison staff in 2003 as I tried to appeal to their humanity. By the end of 2004, they had put bars on the visiting booths, with windows that could be opened, for SEMI CONTACT visits. The first day of contact visits was scheduled for Feb 14th, Valentines Day 2005.
I had a visit scheduled with my girlfriend. (now ex)
During the first week of February, 2 inmates tried to escape. The other 99% of the death row inmates lost contact visiting indefinitely.
Punished the majority for the misdeeds of 2 inmates.
Our recreation time has been cut to the bare minimum, and that means less time to use the phone and the window of opportunity to catch someone at home between the hours of 8-30 -9-30am or 4-5 pm, which is when people are at work, has also narrowed.
Now I can only pray that my other two children learn from Jeffrey's death, what I am unable to teach them, due to the policies that victimize my loved ones.
I am tired. Sixteen years worth of tired. I have paid my debt in one heartache after another. A part of me will be relieved if I'm to be executed. Dying seems to be the only peace I'll ever find in this life.
Hopes and dreams fade, and time is running out. My youngest child will be 21 years old in October........and the last time I was given a hug and kiss by anyone, was by her in October of 1989............ my life has passed.

To Deputy Warden of Operations.
I am writing this letter to appeal to your sense of humanity, and requesting more humane and fair treatment of death row's general population.
Before the Lucasville riot, in 1993, death row was being given more and more privileges, as time went by. We were allowed 40 inmates at a time on the rec yard, and in the gym, plus 20 inmates, (one range) at a time, in the evenings, went to the day room.
After the riot, we still went 20 inmates at a time in the yard.
Just before the riot, we were waiting for the Central Office to approve contact visitation. The visiting situation, even before contact visits were considered, was still better than the visitation, at Man C I.
Once we were notified that death row would be transferred to Man C I, we were assured that contact visits would continue to be pursued, the whole of death row's general population wouldn't be punished for the misdeeds of a few, and we would be just like the prison's main population, only segregated.
Also, that the outside rec yard would be built, between DR2 and DR3, by extending DR5's rec area to the end of each building. they went as far as digging the post holes for the fence. That was the end of any effort to build it.
The rec cage, inside and out, do not provide restrooms.
They do not met A.C.A. standards as far as minimum required space per inmate, and were designed as disciplinary cages for 2 inmates at a time. (To be locked in a cage is restrictive by its nature)
DR6 is portrayed as an "Honor Block", but is in fact only the standard by which all death row's general population should be living under. It is the ONLY DR pod that meets A.C.A requirements!
I'm not asking for the same privileges and conditions that DR6 inmates enjoy. I am only seeking to loosen the punitive conditions under which the majority of death row's general population must endure.
DR6 inmates are the same classification as the rest of death rows general population. We have the same sentence, same security status, same classification. Yet, they enjoy a "REAL" rec yard, not having to be cuffed before their cell doors are opened, and they're not locked into a rec cage, 5 inmates at a times, that's only designed to only allow 2 inmates at a time.
DRs1 thru 4 are locked in their cells 22 hours a day, with their food slots locked. We're fed in our cells. We're cuffed before exiting our cells. Our outside rec cages have 12 foot ceilings (6 feet short of A.C.A requirements, and built for only 2 inmates)
The difference between D/R 6 and DRs1 thru 4 is vast and very obvious.
The DR4 disturbance took place almost 6 years ago. Only a handful of inmates were found responsible, yet ALL of death row's general population was punished, and the majority of death row's general population continues to be punished under disciplinary procedures, except for DR 6.
It is a well known fact that death row inmates (as a whole) are better behaved than ANY other population of close or maximum security. Death Row inmates are mostly interested in their appeals, and don't want to jeopardize them.
DR6 inmates have enjoyed their privileges for a year and a half, and there have been no problems, thus far. In fact they've even won "Pod of the month"
The rest of us have been punished for almost 6 years for something we had absolutely nothing to do with. There is no justifying the disciplinary conditions and procedures we must endure.
With DR 6 being treated as we were ALL once treated, it seems we've suddenly been placed in a lower classification with no clear cut criteria to obtain the same privileges. Determination of inmates allowed to enjoy such privileges. Determination of inmates allowed to enjoy a lower security status, and other privileges afforded to DR6 inmates, is prejudiced and biased, with such decisions made by the whims and wont's of Unit Staff.
I'm only asking for the obvious unfairness between DR 6 and DRs1 thru 4 to be brought to the attention of this institution, and for the institution to close the gap by easing the punitive conditions under which the majority of us live.
I'm appealing to your sense of fairness, and humanity. I'm just trying to bring to light the injustice of punishing the majority for the misdeed of a few.
I thank you for this moment of your time, and appreciate you listening to this plea, and considering the hardships death row inmates must endure before they're put to death.

Sincerely and Respectfully
Ohio Death Row Inmate

My son Jeffrey died August 16th 2005

2005-09-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

JEFFREY

(far left Jeffrey, Shyla and Brian)

My son, Jeffrey, died of an overdose on his 28th birthday, August 16th 2005.

Jeffrey was 4 years old when I met his mother....so he was technically my step-son. But I raised him for the 8 years before my arrest, and he was "MY SON" in every sense of the word.
I was the one who watched him leave for his first day in school. I was the one who took him fishing, camping and swimming......who built a tree house for him in the woods behind our house. I was the one he called "DAD".
I remember reading "Green Eggs and Ham" to him before bed. I remember him crawling into bed with his mother and me in the middle of the night. I even remember the night he fell asleep on the love seat, and sleepwalking as he was sitting up and eating something that didn't exist. It was the first time I had ever seen anything like that, and it tickled the hell out of me.
When Jeffrey's little brother and sister arrived, he was a little man who took responsibility to help out.
Jeffrey was 12 years old when his uncle (my brother in law) and I were arrested and tried for murder. My last memory of him, while in the free world, was his uncle and I driving him around at 5.30am on his paper route.
Jeffrey left home at 16. He was kicked out of school and doing drugs. Finally, he took his G.E.D, and got a job repairing utility lines. (yes the guys you see on the utility poles)
While other kids his age were still in high school, Jeffrey was making making almost 20 dollars an hour, a man's wages at a man's job.
But, Jeffrey wasn't a man.....he still had the head and emotions of a 16 year old. Anyone, who once used drugs, and is now sober, would tell you that drugs keep you from maturing emotionally. You cannot learn to DEAL with reality until you EXPERIENCE reality.
Jeffrey grew up with feelings of abandonment. His biological father, me, his uncle and even his mother, because she had to work and her attention went to the younger two children. She figured he was old enough to take care of himself......but, he wanted and needed her attention and love too!!
I talked to Jeffrey in 2001 through 2002 about his drug use. He was depressed and felt like he was alone. I tried to explain to him how much easier it is to deal with life when you are sober. I explained that all that self pity does go away once you take control of your life.
I tried to get him to get sober and join the military. Jeffrey's IQ was very high, and he would've gotten a very good job in the service. I told him to go into the Air Force or Navy. (Jeffrey was kicked out of school for drugs, not because of his grades...he got straight A's, until he started drugs and skipping school). He had the math and mechanical skills to be an engineer.
The prison phone system, and especially the visiting regulations required to visit, hamper communications between inmates and their loved ones. Visiting for Ohio death row inmates is too much of a hassle, and visitors (once they request a visit, "In writing only" and receive a confirmation slip) have to see the inmate through bars AND Bullet proof glass, use the phone to talk to them, and watch their loved one (inmate) try to hold the phone in their ear with a 4 or 5 inch reach between the handcuff and the belly chain it is attached to. They see the marks left on the wrist from the cuff being pressed into the flesh, just to hold the phone to their ear. What they DON'T see is the shackles on the inmates feet.
I was the only one who even got through to Jeffrey. I was the only one who he believed when I told him there was a better way to live. But, the system prevented me from having adequate access to communicate in a meaningful manner. Jeffery needed my love and guidance, and I failed him because of the frustrating policies separating us.
Jeffrey leaves behind a little girl Ashlyn, and his fiancee Jennifer; Ashlyn's mother. They had just ordered their rings.
Jen's life was already turned upside when her mother was diagnosed with cancer. She had just left Jeffrey to go see her mother, having to leave North Carolina and go to Kansas. Jeffrey died in his sleep that very night............alone.....still aching for love.
Jeffrey was MY son, in every sense of the word. I grieve as his FATHER, in every sense of the word!!

Sit tight, and rest my son
I'll be there very soon
I miss you with all of my heart
where, for you there'll always be room
"I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like them Sam I am"
Dr Suesse
Nite Jeffrey, Sleep with angels!
Loving you
Dad

mailto:ohiodrinmate@aol.com